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Being “soft” on a child as you had a bad childhood

(10 Posts)
Scaredparent Sun 01-Oct-17 17:06:58

Every time my ex takes our child they say that they misbehave and it my fault as I’m to soft.

I had a bad childhood and I try to be as fun as I can and make sure my child is loved, gets all the attention they need and to get a better start in life then I had.

Do you think that I am not developing the correct boundaries and am damaging my child?

Ijustlovefood Sun 01-Oct-17 19:22:48

I wouldn't have thought so but it's difficult to comment without more information. What's his behaviour like with you? How do you deal with bad behaviour etc?

Scaredparent Sun 01-Oct-17 19:25:25

Playful, silly , when it comes to be being firm just speak to them if need to then naughty step.

Ijustlovefood Sun 01-Oct-17 19:28:14

That sounds fine to me smile

Ijustlovefood Sun 01-Oct-17 19:28:47

Sorry you had a bad childhood

Scaredparent Sun 01-Oct-17 19:43:04

Shouldn’t be sorry it life & something I dealt with.

I just don’t wish to pass it on

Hohofortherobbers Tue 03-Oct-17 14:25:44

My dh had a bad childhood and is very much the soft touch in our house. It does frustrate me as I feel I am left to discipline and am the bad guy. I think constructively disciplining a child is important and if they have different houses then even more important you both are on the same page for consistency

Witchend Tue 03-Oct-17 18:16:04

I think most of us may at some point find us indulging our dc in something we longed to indulge in, and wasn't allowed, as a child.
For me there's two things: 1. Eating out. We almost never ate out as a child, always took packed lunch. So I'd now rather go out less often and have a meal at the café.
2. Afterschool things. We hardly did any and if anything was ever suggested it was either too far, too expensive or inconvenient time. So if the dc ask to do something I try and see how it can be worked out.

This probably means that my dc will always take packed lunch everywhere and never let their dc do anything. grin

I think the problem comes in when you are always indulging them. So you always say "yes" then your ex ends up being the bad guy if he says (reasonably or otherwise) "no", and it's reasonable for him to feel miffed about that.
I also don't know how old your dc is at present, but as they do approach teen years they do need you to parent them, not try and be their best friend. That's the one thing that I would wonder about from your post. I had a friend at school whose mum was like that and it was damaging in a different way to the neglect that her dm suffered from. She went nc at 21yo and, as far as I'm aware has never spoken to her dm since.

corythatwas Thu 05-Oct-17 08:42:13

the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say

you do silly and playful- but can you stop your dc from terrorising other children, tearing up public property and making a general nuisance of themselves?

if you can, then you are getting results

if your ex can't, then maybe the problem lies with his parenting

Zoesweet Fri 06-Oct-17 12:25:17

I'm sorry to hear about your bad childhood experience but know that there should be balance. I have a 2 yr old ds and I would want to raise him in a way where he would know there are consequences to either good or bad behavior.

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