Not coping with a toddler and a baby

[Violettas]

I just wondered how other mums cope with 2 children, as I am not coping too well and feel like I'm going to go nuts. My DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 6 months. My DD1 stopped napping, she cries about everything and says No to everything. She has been a good child, but since she turned 2 she is getting more and more difficult. She literally says no to everything: eating, sleeping, brushing hair you name it...she takes all the toys out that she can possibly find and just leaves them on the floor to a point where there is no room to move. Dd2 - well that is another mAtter - she basically wants to be held ALL the time - I put her down - she stars screaming to a point where she looses her voice- coming 5pm and I can't do anything as she starts her screaming episode, I always have to rush DD1 with dinner so I can pick the baby up so she stops crying. I thought once DD2 goes on solid food she will get better but I feel she's getting worse, she doesn't sleep during the day as her sister makes a lot of noise. I literally think I'm going to go crazy. I don't want to shout at DD1 as much as have been but I'm running out of patience....never thought it would have been so difficult with 2. I try to get out of the house as much as possible, but that alone is like a mission...and by the time I leave the house in the morning it's time to get back for lunch...I just wonder how other mums do it....any advice is welcome....

[Lovelymonkeyninetynine]

I didn't want to leave this unanswered. I had this age gap and it was so so hard. First accept that and give yourself a pat on the back for getting through every day. And remember it will get tons easier.
Is your partner supportive if you have one? Make sure you rope in as much help as possible from everyone. I hope you have family and friends to help in any way.
Take short cuts as much as you can- ready meals and takeaways, easy food for dc. Do you get out to baby groups much? This was my saviour as I found we were all happier after being out.
If you can get any time alone with your eldest it will help her behaviour, she is most likely acting out to get attention after the baby's arrival (plus she's 2!!!)
At the end of each day try to remember the good things you've done rather than beat yourself up about what you wish had gone differently.
Give yourself a break! Keep going, the age gap really pays off in the end when they're buddies and can play together. Sorry, no ground breaking advice but I remember this so clearly and my heart goes out to you x

[DNAwrangler]

Hello Violettas. I'm sorry things are so tough. I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old so I get it. Mine are fantastic, but it's the balancing two needs that I find tough.

Not sure if this will help, but I have a shirt list to get through each day. You could have a physical printed check list with a sharpie that you wipe clean at night. The list is something like:

• put on laundry
  
• one other household task (hoover, administration, etc)
  
• vitamins/medicine for everyone
  
• something outdoors
  
• read book and/or coloring, paints
  
• play a game
  
• some fruit/veg
  
• wash for everyone
  

I'm sure you get the idea, but we do some variation of the list every day. For example this morning I put the washing on and then we walked to town to buy toddler winter coat. Played I spy on the way. Ate lunch, watched TV. played a bit in garden, bath, story. Tomorrow we'll go for a walk, collect leaves and do some painting of leaves. It helps to mentally tick things off to stop me losing my mind some days.

In a practical sense, I try to get the baby to sleep in his wrap during our outing. He hates his pram. They go in the bath together. I dress the baby on the bathroom floor while three year old plays in bath. Then I stick baby on a huge cushion and quickly get in with three year old to wash her and me.

Some days/weeks are very, very hard. Chin up.

[DNAwrangler]

Wow, that was long. In short - I try to manage the baby's and toddler's needs, and have low ish expectations of what we'll achieve. And then if (when!) everything goes to pot and one or both end up screaming, well I tried. We're not superwoman after all..

[user1471451559]

I don't usually post but wanted to reassure you that it does get better. I had the same age gap and similar issues. I remember both would be crying simultaneously at around 4 and 7pm most days! It will get much better when your eldest starts nursery and you can have a couple of hours with just one to look after. When things get too fraught throw clothes on everyone (even if it's just over jammies and you've all got unbrushed hair) and go for a walk. The fresh air seems to help destress everyone

[Jojo13]

I feel your pain! Mine are 2.5 and 6 months also. And baby is very high maintenance and loud! Much harder work. Sometimes he actually gives me a physical headache from the noise!
I try and get them out of the house, even if it's for a walk around the block (less prep needed for this)
Also, baby loves watching DS1 so sit them both up at the table to do colouring and they have started to entertain each other.
Also, I try my hardest to sit down and just spend time with DS1 when baby naps. Sod the housework! This seems to help with any attention issues he has now DS2 is here. I go almost overboard with attention for him when I can because DS2 is so demanding I know DS1 doesn't get much attention once he wakes up.
It's hard. Really hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm not coping and feel like I'm miserable and worn out and a Crap parent a lot of the time.

[Violettas]

That's how I feel....crap...I feel that I'm holding DS2 all the time...coming 5pm and she goes into her screaming mode...tried different options like giving her food just before, putting her to sleep, taking for a walk...nothing works...I can only delay it by 10 min but it comes anyways....she starts screaming as if somebody was cutting her fingers off....I started feeling so anxious around 4.30pm now that my hands shake and I keep dropping things...I don't know when it will get better, don't want to get my hopes up, keep thinking maybe when she can sit up or crawl she will be happier, but something else will probably come....I just feel bad as I don't have much energy to play with my DD1, the baby just drains me....

[Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time - apologies if you've tried this already, and I know it's the classic mumsnet suggestion - but do you have a sling? My second one was in-con-so-la-ble the second you put him down but would spend hours happily in the sling.

I honestly think I'd have gotten PND without that sling - and I'm not saying that in the 'oooh, I'm so OCD I can't stand it if things aren't tidy' sense. I really really don't think I'd have coped without it.

Other than that DNAwrangler is wise - having a plan and getting out of the house makes things so much better.

There's an app called hoop you could look at that has things for kids to do in most of the UK - baby groups, dance classes, messy play, sing & sign at the library, whatever frankly as long as it gets you out of the house and gives your older one something to do.

Good luck.