My 6 year old daughter is making me so depressed

[siskin1]

I have 4 kids, almost 7yrold,6yrold,4yrold and1yrold

Everyone keeps telling me its just middle child syndrome but really????

She has always been harder work since a baby compared to both her sister and brother. She has such an attitude and answers back to everything. She never listens or does as I ask, most of the time she does the complete opposite!

It's mainly a problem on school mornings, I try to encourage her to get dressed as soon as she is up now as if I don't we are late for school almost every day. She takes her time over everything, gets easily distracted and just won't do anything she is asked. It's went on too many years now just to be a phase. I have friends who say their child can be awkward at times too but I've never come across another child like mine! Even my cousins son is same age and she has made comments over the years that her son said something cheeky and she was shocked, made me feel even worse cause my daughter just doesn't seem to have respect at all.

We always teach our kids to respect others and have manners to which she does with teachers and most family but just doesn't seem to give a damn what I tell her!

Some days she can be such a loving little girl and asks to help or will get ready straight away for me. I try to praise all the good she does but it never lasts. I've been to health visitor many times over the years who are useless, told me to do naughty step and reward charts! Naughty step does not work, she could sit there 24 hours and not care. She loses stuff and doesn't care. Rewards charts last a day if even then doesn't care if she loses it.

I'm actually scared of what she will become as a teenager or an adult!

I have 4 kids to get ready in the morning so I can't always be watching her, I need to be able to trust her to get herself dressed but she just runs off or hides when I ask her to get ready, her ironed clothes have disappeared behind chairs so she doesn't have to get dressed. Or I will catch her watching tv when she knows she is not allowed to. She likes school and her teacher so school is not the problem. She is very sociable and outgoing so has a lot of friends. School have promised to keep an eye on her but as she behaves there I don't think it's a behavioural problem that can be diagnosed or treated as she obviously knows how to behave for others! Although teachers have commented as well as other parents that she is a humourous little girl, always making them smile but a lot of the time I hear her it's mainly being cheeky. I'm emabarrased at times over the cheek she gives.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm late out the door every day, I'm so stressed having to get her ready every day. We can't seem to discipline her at all. It doesn't matter how early we get up she will cause so much hassle we will be late no matter what.

She will lose her shoes, like this morning. She hates socks and tights and will spend majority of the morning trying to eithe take them off and hide them or will moan and pull at them constantly.

Obviously there is a huge list of issues to her behaviour but won't list it all,just wanted to give a general idea of what she is like. Because I'm stressed getting out in morning and we are late every day, it make me so down for the rest of the day. I dread getting up every morning

[MedusaMomma]

My heart does go out to you. I can't offer you any advice really but I have suffered with depression and I understand how it can creep up on you. Having read what you have said maybe your little girl is acting out to get attention. Maybe you use some kind of reward system like a jar or sticker sheet on the wall and when she gets ready in time in the morning she gets a sticker and when she has done a good job all week she gets a treat? I dunno if that's bribery or not just maybe it will help you in this situation. Really hope it gets better for you ~hugs~

[MedusaMomma]

Oh sorry I missed the reward chart bit.....Sorry I was absolutely no use

[ShiftyLookingBadger]

I sorry I have no advice except I think you may need to speak to a professional (not a HV) The fact this is making you depressed means that it's far bigger than just an annoying behaviour you should be putting up with. Can I ask if her father is still in the picture? If so has he tried to help in any way?

[CCCCCCC]

[sorry new here not yet familiar with forum acronyms, not a native English speaker, so I prefer writing the full words ;-) and this message is very long sorry]

My almost 7-year-old daughter tends to be like that. And I was like that, too! And I turned out OK: a happy person, with a job I like, in a long-term relationship etc. As a teen, I was OK too...
But as a parent, it's very upsetting. The hardest part is not to take it personally when she does the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I've just asked her to do.

From what I remember doing it as a child, I don't think I was looking for attention as much as freedom or a feeling of control. Pushing away the limits to have more ease, as you'd do with a shirt collar that's just a little too tight. Sometimes it means LESS attention. Encouragements when I complied were just as annoying to me as punishments, they made me want to do the opposite, even if I didn't really want to. Sometimes I feel like that again.

I knew my daughter was like that when one day I told her to put her rainboots on and she answered "OK, I'll do it but just because I want to, not because you told me to." She was 3. It made me want to laugh and to cry at the same time.

What sort of works with my daughter is writing down what she can choose and what she can't. Rules feel better if they're written and if everybody agrees. Stuff like rainy weather = rain clothes in order not to get sick. wash your hands before dinner so microbes don't get in your belly. Tie your hair to go to school so that you don't get paint / food / dust / lice in it. Baths every night and wash hair twice a week to smell good. Me or her dad help her putting on socks/tights, buttoning buttons, combing hair if necessary (for efficiency purposes), she does the rest because she's big enough to do it. Be ready by 8 so you don't miss the bus. Strictly limited TV time so you have time for all the other activities life has to offer. Rules of politeness: no answering back, "yes please", "no thank you" (rather than throwing yourself on the floor when I ask you if you want brocoli). For all of these, we struggle quite a lot less since we've written down the rules with the reason for it. Of course, she's our only child so we can take the time to do that. The list also needs to evolve with the age of the child. Sometimes she becomes quite a rule-keeper actually. And at the same time we've decided that she would have new freedoms: she was free to choose whatever she had for dinner on Friday nights, even cook it if she wants, she was free to play whatever music she wants at certain times, we won't force her to have her hair cut (an obsession with her, yes we gave in. I used to have some principles. Now I have a child.).

I say it "sort of" works, because once we solve the problem with the bath, the same problem reappears about another issue. But our life is becoming less filled with fights, one issue at a time.

Like your daughter, mine has no problem with authority in school. I tought that maybe it was precisely because the rules were so clearly spelled out in school. Or maybe she likes to subvert authority only with the people she feels emotionally comfortable with.
I hope this helps a little.

[Scaredparent]

Take her out for the day or do something together

[user1464795209]

My son is like this . He's younger but he's been this way since forever .
He's rude and defiant and doesn't really care what I ask
Him to do or anything. He's also similar at school
Which upsets me as I was hoping starting school would help change it