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He doesn't want the baby

(14 Posts)
unsure25 Mon 29-May-17 18:34:22

Hi everyone.

I am 25 years old, been with my partner 11 years he soon to turn 30 years old and we have just recently just found out I am 4 weeks pregnant. We have never had this before. I am allergic to latex so the pill is the only option. I have recently lost roughly 5ish stone in weight and said I am going to stop taking the pill as it was interfering with my weight and my cycle. Normally every 28 days has been a nightmare since going on the pill after being on the depo injection.

So I tell him and his reaction is I DONT WANT THIS, I'm not ready. He hasn't been supportive at all and said if we didn't find out you was pregnant I would have proposed. He is currently in the process of setting up a new business and we are going to move into a flat we was going to eventually buy. He cried the other night and said I don't think I want this, I don't feel ready, I think
Maybe you should have an abortion. He keeps swapping and changing his mind on what he wants to do. He reassures me that he will love me no matter my descison BUT then he say we can't predict the future we might not work out. I have wanted a baby with him for some time now as I love him all the world and want to share this with him. I don't believe he had any intentions on proposing to me. Problem is I can't leave him because I love him. I booked the termination for the14th June then he says I don't want you to get rid of it. Then he changes his mind.

We have a few heavy bags in our place we are currently staying and he won't pick it up for me and says I'm being over dramatic and it's not hormones. He doesn't know what he wants and because I love him I'll do what he wants. Please help me with some advice!

Thank you xx

snoopyokay Mon 29-May-17 19:37:59

Do you want the baby? You are the one who will have to go through pregnancy and birth so you get the final say here. It sounds like he is just scared but maybe he would come round if he keeps changing his mind then he is probably quite confused?

It is really hard but you have to put his wishes out of your head and concentrate on what is important to you and then go from there. Hope you can work it out flowers

beccii161016 Tue 30-May-17 00:58:25

Only get a termination if YOU don't want the baby. Yes it's his baby too but it is in your body and the procedure would be done to YOU. With a baby's life, you really both need to agree on a termination before you go through with it.
11 years is a long time and without meaning to upset you, how long does he think he'll need to be ready? Someone told me, and I believe this wholeheartedly, "there's never a PERFECT time for a baby and if you waited for it to arrive, you'd never have one".
Sometimes it can seem like the worst thing but then become the most amazing thing.

The decision is completely yours and only you know what is best. I would urge you not to do something just because you think you should do what he wants though. At the end of the day, you both made the baby and you both now have a responsibility.

Good luck x

unsure25 Wed 31-May-17 10:15:39

Good morning guys,

We have been speaking over the weekend and he is still undecided. He tells me he wants the baby but then says we messed up and it's not the right time. It's strange because I feel responsible for this! I feel it's my baby boy his (is that normal) I worry what my mental state will be if I go ahead with this. Thing is ive convinced myself it's the right thing to do because it's right for him and loosing him is the worst thing! But then I think I'm giving up my baby for him. Do I deserve to be a mother!
HE can't make his mind up. What about what I want. I'm sure I am not the only one who has brought a baby into the world like this. His family have now been told and they aren't happy because it's "not what they wanted for him" he's always been the golden boy and I was never good enough for him!

beccii161016 Wed 31-May-17 10:43:05

It's a very very difficult place to be in!

The question you really need to work out the answer to is, what would I feel worse about: giving up the baby or keeping the baby when he's still unsure. You need to try and figure out how YOU feel. Not how you feel because of your OH being undecided but how you feel. Are you happy? Are you ready?

The thing is, if you do give up the baby and it turns out to be the wrong decision, it's inevitable that there will be resentment from you towards him for making you feel like you needed to do that. Could his mind be being influenced by his family who think that you're not good enough?

Slightly personal question but how is your life together in general? Do you have a home? Do you both work? Are finances relatively stable? I'm not fishing for specific answers haha just wanted to make a point that if the answers to those questions are yes and you've been with this man for so long, why is it such a disaster that you're pregnant and how more ready does he want you to be?

I myself was unsure about having my baby. I was young and had dreams that would be practically impossible with a baby. I had only been with my partner for 9 months (known him for 3 years), we were living in a one bed flat at the time and I wasn't working (I managed to find a job).

I seriously asks myself if I was doing the right thing. As soon as I saw the scan I knew. Feeling him kick. And now he's here I'd do anything for him. Nothing else matters.

Would it be an option to go for an early scan around 8 weeks and see how you feel once you've seen the baby? It sounds strange but I know that for me, it didn't feel real until I saw it.

unsure25 Wed 31-May-17 11:13:06

Thank you for understanding.

We live with parents. He refuses to rent as he sees it as wasted money. He has a business which is fairly successful but he is currently moving the business from one complex to another. So yes we would be fine say 6-8 months time providing the business stays the same as it was in the previous place. I feel totally controlled by it. I don't know what to think, what to feel? He says he loves me and wants to be with me but does he! I thought after being together this long he'd want this he'd ride the wave whatever. But he dismisses it like it's a car. I panick if I go for the 8 week scan and see it I'll love it and I can't go back from that.

beccii161016 Wed 31-May-17 12:09:36

Ah that rings bells for me! My OH used to feel the same about renting but needs must!
I completely understand what you're saying and a scan would probably make it harder! The thing is, I suggested it because it's really easy in early pregnancy to sort of almost ignore it's happening and ignore that there's a person in your tummy. You haven't seen anything or felt anything. Only trouble being that when you do have a baby in the future and feel all of those things, it may bring up bad feelings about the first baby. If you ring the doctor and make an appointment with the midwife, they will talk everything through with you. It could really help to have someone on the outside give you some advice!
It's very difficult to give advice about because a baby is life changing and it has to be your decision. It does sound to me like oh are leaning more on the wanting the baby side at the minute. But it does sound almost like your OH is trying to make it more awkward for you.

I can only speak from experience. My experience was that I really wavered on whether or not to have my son. I was 21, unemployed and I was trying to pursue a career in music which I knew would be pretty impossible with a child. I suffered crippling anxiety. Now I've got him I honestly wouldn't change anything! It's been the making of me.
It's hard at the beginning and it's life changing but it brings a joy to your life that you wouldn't get any other way. It really is true that you don't know love until you have your baby.

That being said, I can imagine it's very emotionally draining if you're not in the right place. You need to work out how you feel. And if you want the baby well that's your partner's responsibility. You both made the baby and unless you both agree I don't personally think that giving the baby up would be the best thing to do.

unsure25 Wed 31-May-17 19:23:33

Thank you Beccj, for your kind words. Truth be known I am nervous but something deep in my belly is telling me to have this baby! Whether he's in for the ride or not because I know i will love him/her either way. I am currently up the hospital. I am having terrible pain in my left side and haven't felt right today. I brushed it off but the thought of this little life being hurt got me here and I just want to know if it's ok. I think he will support me whatever. But I guess we will see xxx he doesn't know I'm here btw I'd rather not trouble him

beccii161016 Thu 01-Jun-17 00:03:50

That's no problem at all! The way you have described the pain you're having and how you feel honestly sounds like you already deeply care for this little life! Don't do anything you don't want to for anyone, no matter how much you love them. We all make sacrifices for love but this shouldn't be one of them and no one should ask you to make it one of them.
Maybe it would be worth telling him about the hospital visit. Maybe if he thought the baby could be in any danger it could jumpstart him into realising what is actually happening here; there is a little life inside you!
You've been together for 11 years. He should be supporting you in whatever decision you choose. Whilst you're still in a relationship, you shouldn't have to do it all on your own!
Hoping all is well with you and baby chick. Aches and pains are totally normal throughout pregnancy, especially when the uterus is starching. Wishing you lots of love and luck xx

unsure25 Sun 04-Jun-17 23:56:59

Hi all,

Update. Saw the little dot on the screen the baby is fine. They questioned eptopic but the baby is apparently doing really well. Now I've spoken to my boyfriend and he's still undecided. So I laid my heart on the line and I'm honest this is it. I want this baby so badly but our life is not in the right place. Living arrangements and money wise. So for now I am going to go ahead with a termination. But I know I will regret it for the rest my life and it's not what I want to do. (Deep down) but what's best for this little life is that xx

cleo3x Mon 05-Jun-17 08:17:41

I completely understand your reasons chick. I really hope it's the right decision for you. There's so so much help out their for parents and love is more important than anything else for a little life. I don't mean to put you in an impossible place but, just to play devil's advocate. You want this baby badly. What if when you are both ready, you really struggle with conception? Sorry, I don't meant to make this harder for you I just really want to try and convince you that this could work because it could.

I can't imagine being in your position, I just hope you find the strength to get through it. I completely understand your reasons and you have no judgement from me. The only reason I'm trying to sway you the other way is because it seems like really and truly you want your baby. Good luck xx

unsure25 Wed 07-Jun-17 10:51:25

Hi everyone,
Saw the kidney bean on the screen everything's fine. I've decided I am keeping the baby with or without him. I've given him the option to walk away. Let's see what happens xxx.

snoopyokay Wed 07-Jun-17 21:41:57

Glad you have come ro a decision. It really doesn't sound like you wanted a termination. Hope you are feeling better about things and congratulations! flowers

beccii161016 Thu 08-Jun-17 10:41:21

I'm so so happy for you! Honestly this baby will bring you more love and joy than you can ever imagine. x

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