How independent/responsible is your 6 year old boy?

[MillieMoodle]

Just that really! DS1 is 6 (school year 1) and I am wondering whether he should be a bit more independent than he is. Compared to a lot of his classmates, he seems very immature and I wonder if this is just how he is, or if we've babied him a bit too much.

Recent examples include spending 40 minutes of football training (which is only an hour long) crying, whinging and refusing to play because he wanted to be on x's team and wasn't. Also not listening, rolling around on the floor when he was meant to be following instructions.

At a party recently he wouldn't join in the game they were all playing, then came to sit down later and got upset because he didn't know what everyone was doing.

We went out for lunch earlier and he lost the toy he took with him, but made no effort to keep it safe, just assumed we would find it for him (once we'd got home!)

He doesn't seem to be able to follow simple instructions or listen properly and it's driving me mad, he just seems to please himself. It's hard to explain and I'm not sure I've worded this right, but it's so frustrating because I can't trust him to do anything, especially when we're out and about. When I ask him to do something I have to repeat it at least 4 or 5 times before he'll even start to do it. He just seems to think tha I will sort everything out for him.

So how does your 6 year old boy behave? Does this sound about right or should I be worrying? Does he sound a bit immature or could it be something else? I am at my wits end trying to get him to listen to me and think about what he is doing.

Sorry this is so long!

[Kiwiinkits]

With my six year old (a girl) we have a marble in the jar system. So she gets a marble if she is kind, or helpful or whatever. If she reaches a predetermined number of marbles she gets a special trip (like to the trampoline park or sushi bar, or whatever she likes). Our rule is that if I have to ask for her to do something three times, she has a marble taken out of the jar. All I have to do is say, "I've asked you this twice. Remember, if I have to ask three times, you get a marble taken out..." Works like magic. Every time.

[MillieMoodle]

Kiwi thanks so much for your reply, I think I will have to try that. I only asked about boys as based on what I've seen at DS1's school, the girls in his class seem to all be angels! But am sure at home they can be trouble

What do you do if you get back chat or a tantrum? Is a marble taken out of the jar automatically? How many marbles does she have to get in order to get a trip out? Sorry for all the questions, but I think this might be the way to go for us and I don't want to be too harsh/too soft. I think in the past we have been guilty of letting him get just one more second chance and he's far too used to getting his own way.

[Logoplanter]

DS is just 6 and I do think I baby him too much sometimes.

He gets himself dressed and will pick his own clothes at the weekend but does like me to help him sometimes.

He has a habit of asking me to find stuff for him rather than looking for it himself. He also tends to forget things when we're leaving the house, for example I'll have said have you got your sun hat, answer yes, then we'll be in the car and I'll ask where his sun hat is, answer in the house, I forgot it!

He went to an all boys 6th party the other week and they played some games at the end and of 18-20 kids I reckon 6 or so got upset about not winning, ranging from stomping off to tears. It was quite eye opening!

He goes to football and strops a bit if he has tried to do something once or twice and can't do it.

I also have to ask him loads of times to do stuff sometimes, then other times he'll do it straight away. I think he's in a world of his own half the time. Taking to friends with boys the same age I think this is pretty normal.

So in conclusion, I think he sounds perfectly fine!

[Amaried]

My ds is similar. Definitely a bit immature and away with fairies. Loads of toilet humour at the moment and silly voices which tbh makes me want to kill him!! Really hoping it's a phase . I have started him on fish oils lately so waiting to see if that improves things!!

[MillieMoodle]

Sorry logo and amaried, have only just caught up with the thread, thanks for your replies.

My DS sounds very similar to both of yours, but a lot of his school friends seem much more mature. I am finding it very hard work at the moment!

This afternoon he has cut his own hair with the kids scissors he uses for craft stuff. I swear he just doesn't think before he does anything!

[FineAsWeAre]

I'm so glad I've read this thread today, I've just written another thread about my DS who is very similar. I love him more than anything but he's driving me crackers at the minute! Other children just seem so much more mature, he is one of the youngest in his class but I do really struggle with getting him to be a bit more independent and I'm feeling like a bit of a failure at the moment tbh.

[MillieMoodle]

Fine I know how you feel. My DS is a mid-year birthday, so not even one of the youngest, but his behaviour sometimes is more like that of a 3 year old. I despair. Sometimes he can be so sensible and other times (most of the time) it's like he's on another planet!

[Kiwiinkits]

What do you do if you get back chat or a tantrum? Is a marble taken out of the jar automatically? How many marbles does she have to get in order to get a trip out? Sorry for all the questions, but I think this might be the way to go for us and I don't want to be too harsh/too soft. I think in the past we have been guilty of letting him get just one more second chance and he's far too used to getting his own way.

I hardly ever get backchat. But if I was having trouble with backchat I'd use the marble system. The key thing is to sit down with your kids and agree the things that earn marbles, and the things that get them taken away. Get them to write out the rules on a piece of paper when you've discussed and agreed them. Then stick the rule sheet on your pin board or on the fridge with a magnet.

You can kind of hint for the rules you'd like to see on their list, when you're sitting down having your rule-setting session. So, if backchat is an issue, you can say, "how about backchat, should that be a reason for a marble out?" And see what they say. Kids love being part of making their own rules.

We typically have 30 marbles in the jar gets a trip away (two girls working in tandem). They agree the number of marbles; they write it on the rule sheet. One time they chose 50 marbles, as a challenge! I didn't remind them that it would take them longer and be more difficult; that's what they wanted, so up it went!

[Kiwiinkits]

I wouldn't punish for tantrums. Mostly tantrums are just dealing with overflowing emotions (or hunger), not naughty? If there's tears and drama for drama's sake I just say, I know you're upset, I can tell you feel angry, but your noise and crying is bothering me and the rest of the family. Please can you go to your room until you've calmed down and you're ready to tell me in a normal voice what you need.

[MillieMoodle]

Thanks kiwi - our marbles have arrived and we are just starting out but so far the threat of not getting a marble or losing one seems to be working well!