I don't want my DS anymore.

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

I know it's not a choice. I know I'm stuck with him.

He's 4. Possible ASD or similar. He's so violent, hits me, bites me, kicks me, punches, pinches, spits in my face, and headbuts me. He's got no toys in his room because he kept throwing them at me. So I took them all away. He doesn't even care. He doesn't care about any consequence or discipline. I've tried everything from shouting and losing my temper to sitting calmly on the floor and explaining why his behaviour isn't nice and "you're a good boy, but your behaviour is not nice".

I ran a bath an hour ago and I still can't get in it because he just will not go to bed. He's now staying in his room but he won't sleep. So I can't get in the bath. Now it's too late to actually bathe and shave and wash and dry my hair none of which has been done for a week I can't even cook myself some dinner because I can't stand out there in the kitchen long enough to even cook, let alone actually sit and eat.

It's just constant. He goes to nursery but then I have to fit literally everything else (shopping, paying bills, any meetings with anyone, any phonecalls because I can't use the phone with him around, my own appointments) has to be crammed into those 15 hours a week.
Have the Early Help worker out on Wednesday.

But I'm fed up. It's constant. I need a break and there's no one about to provide one. I just want to wash my fucking hair.

[Hairydontcare]

Come and post on the SN section. Bin the bath and open the wine.

[ImperialBlether]

You poor thing - that sounds incredibly stressful. Do you have a partner or family/friends nearby to offload to?

[Guitargirl]

That sounds very hard OP. Am guessing from your post that you don't have a partner and no family close by?

How is he at nursery or with other people? Is it just you he behaves like this with? What I mean is if you explained all this to a friend could someone take care of him for a day - a whole day - so you get a chance to recharge your batteries a bit?

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

There's no one. It's just me and DS.
I don't live near my family, my father died and my mother is EA. There's honestly no one.

[PurpleDaisies]

You're not the only one who had felt like this.

Have you got anyone in real life to support you?

[PurpleDaisies]

Sorry, cross posted with you.

That sounds so tough. Is he at nursery? Do you have any breaks at all?

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

He's fine at nursery. Unless I'm there. He punched me and spat in my face at pick up time because he didn't want to come home. The nursery staff told him off.

There isn't anyone else that could have him. I've got a friend but I couldn't ask her to have him as he won't behave and her partner's terminally ill. It's just so endless.

[Sostenueto]

Whatever you feel about him when he is around you he will pick up on. He may feel unloved if you are always harass

[Guitargirl]

I know this may sound like a bit of a bonkers suggestion and feel free to tell me I'm talking out of my arse but how would he be if you had a friend of his over from nursery to play? I used to find when my kids were that age that having a friend over they would just go off and play for ages - much less intense/less work for me. I could get quite a lot done that way.

[hellomarshmallow]

I would really recommend looking up PDA. The usual discipline and ASD strategies don't work, and they're usually ok at school or nursery. My DD is the same.

[Sostenueto]

Sorry internet signal went. What i mean is children pick up on your moods and behave badly if you are stressed as it stresses them too. See if there is a local family centre near that you can go to for support as it is so hard on your own I know as I had 2 children on my own the eldest had hyperactivity syndrome and never had a nights sleep till she started full time school. I had no family or friends to help but there was a family centre I used to go to that gave me a chance to relax and talk to other mums and make friends and support workers who gave valuable help and advice. If there isn't one near you ring your health visitor who may be able to help you. Don't despair there us help out there for both of you xx

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

He's no better, I've stopped his friends coming over now because he doesn't play nicely, he bullies and picks on them and won't let them touch any of his things.He's quite big for 4 so is physically so much bigger and stronger than his friends. And he doesn't listen to a thing I say.
We went to the park day before last with his friend and he was still picking on him even there.

I've looked at PDA before but some of it doesn't fit?

[Ringaroundthemosey]

Can you ask someone from nursery to babysit? Someone who knows him and is used to his behaviour?

[Notmyrealname85]

Nothing to say other than i'm in awe that you're doing such a tough job, and you sound like a very kind and patient person

[WanderingTrolley1]

Is your DS undergoing assessments?

[DaffodilTime]

I agree with the poster above, you sound like you're doing your best and in the face of very difficult behaviour.
Our DS is similar to some extent except that I 'love bomb' him when he's being horrid and it's the only thing that speaks to him when he's wound up and it calms him. He gets very angry and difficult and If it's getting out of control I'll just gently say 'I know it's upsetting and I love you, do you want a hug?' And it's the only thing that diffuses it. But I make sure I still mention why what he was doing was wrong later, as if I do it at the time he can't cope and gets worse.
I do think some DC are MUCH harder to parent and I really relate to what you're saying and hope you can find a way too to get through the really hard times and connect to him, it's hard.

[crazykitten20]

Wheat does the GP say?

[AlpacaLypse]

Huge It's shit isn't it? This wasn't what we signed up for with the baby thing.

Nag and nag and nag a bit more to get a statement of needs or whatever it's called now.

Join the SN bit of MN. You have to specifically opt in to it, to help keep the worst of the trolls out. It's in Settings. HQ will help if you get really confused.

You sound like you may be needing a bit of respite social care... that frankly depends on local authority and how much funding they have (hollow laugh). There are a few charities out there who might have some left though.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Have you spoken to nursery about how you feel?

There are situations where you can get a care needs assessment and they may be able to offer extra funded hours?

Have you applied for dla? You could use this to pay someone to provide some extra care for you.

I know how hard it is. I'm alone with my ds (now 12) who has asd and at times you just don't have time for yourself. But one thing I've learnt over the years is I'm no good for ds if I'm exhausted.

[Neome]

I am really glad you have nursery & it's working for him. I hope you can get more support via GP/Social Services. Perhaps the best answer to start with would be someone funding more nursery hours.

If Social Services understand that without effective help you will not ultimately be able to continue they are likely to find ways of giving support.

Good luck x

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

Ok lots of posts, bear with me...

The nursery won't do things like that and I couldn't afford to send him any more hours.

DS had an assessment 7 months ago, to be followed up 6months from then. That was last month. I'm still waiting. It was the GP that referred him. The early help worker is going to chase up the reassessment because the number I had for the unit doesn't work.

I try to talk to him calmly and ask why he's hurting me or trying to hurt me, but I genuinely don't think he understands?
I ask him "what kind of boy are you" and get him to tell me that he's a good, kind, lovely boy and get him to tell me that his behaviour isn't nice.

I asked about respite care, only to be told that that's voluntary foster care where I live.

Thank you for

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

Cross post.

The nursery say it's all me, I'm basically the problem and they never have an issue with DS.

I haven't applied for DLA as I didn't think he really required it. I got stuck at the 24hour constant care bit.
I might look into it again for him as right now I can't even take a second to pee without him doing something...

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

Shit. Namechange fail.

[picklemepopcorn]

Report the post, MN will name change for you. You do it too, speed it up!

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

I've reported it, so hopefully they change it nice and quickly for me