did I do right or am I evil?

[hatwoman]

dd2 (4 - 5 in May) is gregarious and confident. She's charming and adorable but she's the original girl with a curl. DH has taken her to two parties recently when he dropped her off and she barely said goodbye - dived straight in to play with her friends. I took her to one a couple of weeks ago and she was all clingy and sulky "i want you to staa-aaaay" etc etc. I managed eventually to escape the room and until she saw me again she was having a great time. I took her to a party today - I had told her I wasn;t staying. As soon as we arrived she went utterly sulky, wouldn't join in, clinging to me "I want you to staa-aaay" etc etc. I told her I'd stay for 20 mins, during which time she clung to me and refused to play with any of her friends. After 20 mins I told her I was going and she could stay or come with me. she came with me . when we got in the car she had the most almighty strop - refused to get in the car seat. "I want to stay and I want you to stay" ad infinitum. I couldn't get her into the car seat - until I started the engine at which stage she shrieked in fear about the policemen. It was a strop of such dimensions I felt like crying. So anyway here we are at home.(and typically she's now happy as larry...)

At one level I don't think it's unreasonable for a 4 year old to want her parents to stay at a party - but all the evidence (not just party-related - a load of other stuff too) points to this having k'all to do with that and everything to do with manipulating me into doing what she wants. tbh I'm really fed up of it. so evil or reasonable? votes please.

[becklespeckle]

think you are reasonable - sounds just like my DS1!

[hunkermunker]

I think you were utterly reasonable.

If you'd taken her out of her car seat and gone back into the party and stayed, that would have been Wrong, IMO.

[becklespeckle]

i would have (and have in the past) done exactly the same thing

[FrannyandZooey]

I don't think you should have taken her out of her seat once you had gone down that path, but personally I wouldn't have insisted that she stayed without you or came home in the first place. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want you to stay and I think it's a phase more likely to pass quickly if you pander to her a bit. It isn't really doing you any harm to stay, is it? Why make her miss a party for this? Is it wrong for children to be able to get us to do what they want? I would have thought it was a normal and pleasant part of life to ask your family to do things that you want them to do, and have them do them for you.

[FrannyandZooey]

ps I don't think you are evil! There is some grey area between being right and being evil, IMO

[hatwoman]

awww thanks. I feel really bad - she's only 4 and my baby etc etc. but on the other hand she'd get an olympic medal in manipulation. The shreiking about policemen when I started the engine was one of those moments when your desire to cry turns into a desire to laugh.

[foxybrown]

hmmm, that old manipulation game... you know yourself if she was feeling insecure and wanting you there because she wasn't going to have a good time, or if she was trying it on and would have been fine anyway. You have to make a decision on what else has been going on lately. I'd have probably just dropped off and run to the nearest cafe, perhaps sticking my head in at some point during the party. If I'm 99% sure that its all going to be ok when I'm not there I leg it. Wouldn't have taken her back to the party after the car seat tantrum either.

[Boco]

My dd is the same age - she'll be 5 in June. She can be very confident and outgoing, but also really shy in big groups. She's just become self conscious about her shyness and she finds this really upsetting. She wants to join in at parties and play with the others, but sometimes she struggles, and for that reason i do often stay with her at parties, i'm hoping that if she does things at her own pace without being pushed then she'll feel more secure and confident. If i felt there was manipulation, i'm sure it'd be more complicated - if it really was a battle of wills and she was trying to make you stay out of bloodymindedness then you did the right thing, but if she was genuinely feeling insecure and worried about being left, i'd have probably stayed a bit longer. It won't be long before they'll be embarrassed being seen out with us, so i'm enjoying this phase while it lasts!

[Lizzer]

Oh Hatwoman I remember it well! IMO You did the right thing... I know they're just children and I know it doesn't matter in the long run and all the other reasonable, rational things but when they drive you crackers with no explanation they are vile! Like foxybrown I learnt the 'drop em and run' technique after a few traumas

[colditz]

I hate children's parties. If a previously fine about parties 4 year old suddenly decides you have to stay - tough, in this house. No way. I don't make ds1 come shoe shopping with me, he doesn't make me stay at parties. No way.

You were utterly fair. You gave her a choice - if I had been you, the sniff of a tantrum and we would have been straight back home.

[sunnysideup]

I think you were right to stick to your guns once you had her in the car, but what's wrong with staying? OK, she didn't want her dad to stay, but sometimes it's different with mums....four is still so very young, I don't see that there's a problem with you staying.

As you say, you're viewing this in terms of her other behaviour too which we don't know about, but from what you say here I think you simply need to agree with her before you even set off for the party that you will stay with her if she wants. She has what she needs, she doesn't need to 'manipulate', you don't get the hassle of trying to manipulate your way out of the party......

I don't see what's wrong with giving her what she wants on this issue. Not on everything, of course; but totally reasonable to stay at a party with a four year old in my view.

I also agree with franny, she's not even likely to be in this phase for long so maybe it's not worth fighting over in the meantime.

[hatwoman]

like foxybrown mentions - I know that in this case there was no question about her being insecure. The main problem with me staying is that it would made the whole expedition utterly pointless. as long as I was there all she was going to do was cling to me and not join in - she would have been miserable and I would have been miserable and it would have been a total waste of time with no winners.

[sunnysideup]

I guess the solution is for her dad to take her to parties, and if you know he's not going to be available, just say no to the invite.

They aren't compulsory, thank god

[nooka]

I used to get this sort of thing sometimes. Completely different behaviour with her dad and with me. I think that the simplest solution probably is to get her dad to take her. Or be really firm and say at parties I drop you off, and then I pick you up later, and then say good bye from the moment the door is answered. Most children at parties (and I know there are some exceptions) are happier without their parents there. And unless you have some role to play at the party, then it is fairly miserable to have to sit there in a room of strangers with a stroppy little girl on your lap (can you tell I don't like parties much!). It is worth trying to talk to her about it first (or asking her dad to) just in case there is some real reason that she wasn't keen on the party.