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3.5 year old lied about being hit - SS involved

(13 Posts)
Grimnorthener Sat 08-Apr-17 15:48:35

Hi everyone, I know it's a lovely sunny day out there so thank you to anyone who takes the time to read/reply.

It started this week, I got a phone call from my DS nursery to tell me had told one of the staff I had hit him. He repeated the story later on to the same staff member and consequently they felt they had to refer it to SS. Now my DS has a VERY active imagination, and has been known to say similar about his dad, grandma. If you move his hand away from a hot/potentially dangerous area for example he will say 'don't you smack me' very temperamental sometimes.

Obviously I was absolutely heartbroken to get this call. SS visited last night and spoke to DS alone in his room - he told them mummy and daddy have never hit him, he isn't worried about anything and was generally being his usual excitable happy self. Our house is obviously a loving home, DS is so loved, well fed and dressed - we both love for him and it shows.

They are coming back in a couple of weeks to do an assessment of whether they need to stay involved - I just feel so distraught over the whole thing, really traumatised. I can't believe a comment from a 3 year old has led to this and I am so fearful now - that my parenting and love for my son is in question, I'm worried that I'm on some sort of register, what if he hurts himself in the future and we have to take him doctors/hospital, will they think I did it? I can't stop thinking the worst and this consuming me, I just really need some advice if anybody has been through similar sad

Thank you so much for reading if you got this far.

Ollycat Sat 08-Apr-17 15:52:59

Didn't want to read and run - so sorry you're having such a stressful time flowers

Introvertedbuthappy Sat 08-Apr-17 15:56:21

You poor thing OP, must have been quite a shock, but I'm sure you can see why the nursery had to refer it, imagine if it were true and they missed an opportunity to help.
I think it's encouraging that SS are prepared to close the case after just one more visit - that shows that they are happy with his care and the fact that you are seen to be cooperating will be a positive too. If they close the case then that will be it. Please don't worry about taking him to be treated in the future.
Sorry this has happened OP, but it sounds like it will be dismissed quickly. I am sure your DS won't be making up such stories in a hurry either! cake and flowers for you all.

Grimnorthener Sat 08-Apr-17 16:04:00

Thank you both for your supportive replies. Yes I understand why nursery referred it, we went to a meeting with them they same day and they were really supportive also, they know what he's like but they have a duty of care towards him to report these things I understand that. I am also glad he feels he can speak to the nursery staff and open up to them, I just wish it wasn't something like this!

I have been speaking to him a lot since about the difference between truth and lies and how important it is to tell the truth. He struggles to comprehend fully I think but I'm trying. He has also been saying things like 'I'm going to hit you in a minute.' And sometimes he does. Hit me I mean. I don't know where he's got this from but there has been no change to routine at home.

I'm hoping it's a phase he grows out of and all this passes soon. I just feel so heartbroken and defeated at the moment.

FixItUpChappie Sat 08-Apr-17 16:10:30

Hey Op, I'm a SWer (not in the UK) - SS get these calls all the time. If your son had no marks on him and there's no history of concern than it's too bad they didn't just deal with it at an intake level and have a chat with you....but different systems have different "rules". Try not to worry (I know, I know) - your son didn't disclose anything, has no injury, there's no history of similar allegation (presumably), your child is well cared for as I'm sure the daycare or other family can attest to. SS know that 3 yr olds can't relay context and there's lots if room for miscommunication.

I'm surprised they are bothering with a second visit but really any response from closing it would be nonsense if your not leaving out any major detail. SS has no desire to be involved with families who aren't in need of their services. They really don't. Just be polite and cooperative - are either of your parents involved and able to give an account of how healthy and happy your son is? Where I live this wouldn't have even opened (based on the info provided) we'd have called you on the phone or met with you at intake to have a chat regarding.

Sorry this is so stressful flowers

Introvertedbuthappy Sat 08-Apr-17 16:11:37

I'm sorry, you sound like a great Mum. It sounds like he's testing boundaries at the moment, lying is also funnily enough an important developmental stage. Perhaps try modelling what to do when angry rather than hitting (eg encourage him to say things like 'I'm cross because..." Etc.
I think at a similar age DS1 used to sometimes take himself to a 'time out beanbag' if he got cross. He then came back when calm and we talked through his feelings with him, praising him for identifying that he was losing control.

I can imagine how upset you are, but your DS would have no understanding of the consequences of what he said.

Tinseleverywhere Sat 08-Apr-17 16:14:22

That's awful but you sound like great parents so just look on this as an opportunity to show how well you are doing. The fact that you have been thoroughly inspected and SS were happy with your parenting will be something you can be proud of.

Grimnorthener Sat 08-Apr-17 16:16:13

FixItUpChappie - thank you so much for that. I thought I was the only one who thought the process has been excessive for what happened. No, no marks on him and no SS involvement in either of mine or DPs family.

The nursery said they will probably give me a ring or send a letter to discuss but won't visit - that's why it really threw me when they rang me at work to ask if they could go and see DS at his grandmas NOW. (This was yesterday.) I had an absolute meltdown in work worrying they were going to take him away. The meeting itself was fine we both remained calm and polite and arranged the second visit.

I wish I lived where you live! I said to DP last night I feel this could all have been resolved by havinng a chat at nursery with us and DS and he would have admitted to the fib like he has since.

BigGrannyPants Sat 08-Apr-17 16:20:51

Seems to be very specific language he is using, it must come from somewhere, does he spend a lot of time with any other relatives? He might be frightened to say if there is someone else who is saying or doing things.. that would be my worry

Introvertedbuthappy Sat 08-Apr-17 16:21:26

Grim I think since the case of poor wee Liam Fee SS are being a lot more careful. I would imagine the fact that your DS is quite bright and was therefore able to relay the same story twice to two different staff members meant that it rang more alarm bells than it otherwise would have.

Grimnorthener Sat 08-Apr-17 16:25:11

That is another of my worries - we both come from good families, in the sense that DS is never around anybody who uses bad or threateningly language, that we know of. There a couple of kids in the nursery who have a reputation of being a bit aggressive and there has been a shift in his behaviour since he joined the older group a couple of months ago. We have taken the tablet off him incase he had seen anything untoward on there.

TheFirstMrsDV Sat 08-Apr-17 16:44:34

I know how horrible this is but please try not to worry.
I think they are coming back to assess because your DC told the story more than once. (agree with introverted)
The fact they are leaving it a few weeks shows that they are not concerned and they may be leaving so your DC has a chance to forget about all this before they see him again.

This stuff does happen. It might help you to know you are not the first or last parent to go through this. I won't minimise how stressful it is flowers

blueskyinmarch Sat 08-Apr-17 16:49:55

I am a social worker and used to work in a child protection team. We used to get referrals like this all the time and we had a duty to investigate each and every one. Many were like your DS, just small children with active imaginations. It is usually quite evident when there is no abuse happening but an assessment has to be undertaken nevertheless just to make sure everything is okay. I really wouldn’t worry about it.

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