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19 year old, getting stoned, not working

(5 Posts)
Worriedmum78 Mon 13-Mar-17 21:31:28

Hi Guys, I'm at my wits end so I'm all open to all suggestions. My dear sweet child has grown up into a 19 year old that seems to have no interest in life but to get stoned, sounds a bit harsh I know but bear with me. Behaviour problems started at about 14, I believe he started smoking cannabis about 15. Then he lost interest in school completely, did just enough to get through his GCSE's to please me and his teachers. Went to sixth form and dropped out after a year.When he left he decided he was going to go straight into work as he knew he didn't want to be in education anymore, since then he went onto benefits, got sanctioned, now back on benefits. Although he affirms he has been searching for work he has had no interviews. I am what the government calls a JAM, just about managing. I have a full time job on a low wage and high credit card debt. We have food in the house and bills get paid but no luxuries, I struggle to make ends meet each month so the pressure is on, I'm a single mum. My 19 year old (when he is able to get benefits) gives me some money to help with the bills about £60 per month out of his £250 benefits. The rest he spends on clothes, fags and weed. I'm not OK with this behaviour.
OK about us, My son when he's not getting stoned, is a nice guy, he is a good friend and great to talk to. I love him very much and he knows this. He also tells me he loves me and we have a very honest relationship where communication is not a problem. Unfortunately he does not take any responsibility for himself, if I wasn't here he would be quite happy to live with rubbish all over the floor and to eat off dirty plates. I'm actually concerned that if I wasn't around he wouldn't eat anything nutritious at all. Over the last year we have had full on arguments to the point I threaten that he will have to leave, his behaviour gets better and he says all the right things and then things get worse again.I have spoken to him at length of the consequences of getting stoned each day and why his life will be so much better and how much happier he will be once he starts working. A friend has tried getting him to the Princes Trust but on the day, he refused to go. He tried drugs counselling and quit after one week, he says he knows what's wrong and says all the things I want to hear but when it comes to the action, nothing changes. When is enough, enough? Anyone who has had experience of this who might have an insight, let me know. Some people might suggest I kick him out but I'm scared he will just end out hanging out with worse people and declining into worse drug problems and will use my kicking him out as another excuse not to take responsibility for himself.By the way I'm not that conservative, I live in a city where smoking some weed at a party is very common place and I have done so myself, however I know that smoking everyday can not be good for his developing brain, he's on course for major head problems in the future.We are also both aware of the law on drugs.

Worriedmum78 Wed 07-Jun-17 16:03:42

Any advice appreciated...

BarbarianMum Thu 08-Jun-17 15:32:12

My advice - kick him out. I understand your concerns but how ling do you want this to be your life? Or his life?

My db started on drugs at 14. My parents never did kick him out, they devoted their lives to supporting him. Now my ddad is 86 and lives with a 40 year old addict and my mum finally bailed last year and now lives separately.

You can't help him until he wants your help.

tickertyboo Thu 08-Jun-17 19:36:14

I understand what you are going through Worriedmum78. I have experienced similar behaviour with my 19 year old daughter.

After many, many times of having to deal with the consequences of her recreational drug taking I told her that she would have to live full time with her father if she continued doing it.

We've reached a compromise. She now stays overnight with her father if she goes out and takes drugs/drinks. She maintains that all of her peer group do it and that is just 'normal' behaviour. I agree to differ. However, it is not my life, it is hers.

I take it that your son's father is not around? If that is the case then your situation must be incredibly hard. I am raising my second child on my own and dread the thought of him doing what his sister is doing, because he won't have a father to stay with.

For what it's worth, a friend of my daughter's is staying in a hostel for young men with drug/drink addiction. His father told him to leave the house so his mother found a hostel for him. He's making better progress here and getting his life back under some sort of control. The hostel have helped him to go back into education as he's doing some web design course.

Maybe the hostel option might work for you both? I'm very sorry that I can't offer you anymore practical advice. It's a very hard situation when it's just you and your child, no matter how old they are. I hope things improve.

jaynelovesagathachristie Tue 13-Jun-17 00:26:44

I don't have. 19 yr old but aged 20 I was dating a guy like that, probably get flamed by smoking weed doesn't automatically mean he'll go to a bad crowd etc my boyfriend then and his mates smoked heavily and played PlayStation none interested in other drugs. I don't think there's lots to do other than him move out he needs to want to change, my Boyf had a change of heart and stepped up and quit overnight eventually all but 1 mate did the same ( I don't smoke anything btw ) and all are working and live independently

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