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My 4yo hates me

(13 Posts)
Highmaintenancefemalestuff Fri 10-Mar-17 10:43:47

I just don't know what to do anymore. The anger in his eyes is awful, he hits, kicks, pushes me. If I tell him to stop it makes him worse. I find myself just standing there and taking it which makes him stop quicker. I've tried taking away privileges, time out, firm voice. I don't know what else to do apart from ask for help. I've spent the last 45 minutes on the sofa in tears, I can't even look at him.
He's very strong and nearly has me over when he pushes me, his smacks and kicks bruise. If he's like this now what's he going to be like when he's older?
He never does it when his dad is it at home and I don't know how he's learnt the behaviour, he's not around violence at home. I've tried to get him to open up as to why he's feeling so much anger but I don't think he understands what I'm asking.
Who do I ask for help? Is there anything I can try myself before resorting to that?

challengedvertically Fri 10-Mar-17 11:03:41

I don't really have any useful advice, hopefully someone will come along soon with some. But go easy on yourself. He doesn't hate you!
How's his communication? Is he perhaps frustrated at not being able to verbalise things/understand you?
How long has this behaviour been going on for? Is he at school or nursery yet?
Four is a challenging age, this could well be a phase x

Blossomdeary Fri 10-Mar-17 11:11:01

Does this happen randomly or just when you have to thwart his wishes?

Blossomdeary Fri 10-Mar-17 11:19:16

And do not forget - he does not hate you; he hates what you are doing when he does not get his own way. He doesn't need to like you and you must not hope for this and seem needy of it. There will be times when he will hate you for just doing your job of parenting, and all parents have to accept that.

Normally a tantrum is something to ignore, but not when it involves violence, as this does. He needs you not to allow him to do it by standing still - tempting I know as this defuses the situation quicker, but he is learning that it is OK to hit and abuse people.

The trick of course is to reward good behaviour - but sometimes that is very hard as you've got to find a bit of good behaviour first!

It might be worth keeping a record of what precipitates these outbursts, so you can find the trigger. Is it when he is tired? Is it when he needs your attention? Is it just when he is thwarted? Could you find ways of warning him when he is about to not get his own way? - e.g. In five minutes we will have to switch the TV off etc.

Highmaintenancefemalestuff Fri 10-Mar-17 11:21:15

He's in preschool. Behaviour seems to improve in the holidays, I have spoken to his key person who says he's very well behaved at school and that's always the way, good at school misbehave at home. I think it's an extreme way of misbehaving though. I can deal with the usual 4yo tantrums but this is off the scale. He's got great vocabulary for his age. Sometimes it's starts over nothing. Sometimes I think it jealousy over his baby sister, I always include him in feeding and changing. I get things done while she's awake so when she goes for her naps I can 100% focus on him, play games, read stories ect. Then this happens and I wonder why I bother. I just don't think I've got any more battles in me.

babyinthacorner Sat 18-Mar-17 20:48:17

Absolutely with you, except it's my daughter. I've also tried everything, it seems. Today she hit, kicked and bit me in a crowded baggage hall as we're on holiday. I was alone (apart from about 5000 strangers) as DH was waiting for the luggage, with DS 3 months in the sling. And she was just kicking and hitting me so hard. All because I asked her to stop pulling her trunk I around on the seat as she was knocking into an old lady sitting next to her.

I was shaking and crying by the time DH got to us and I cried for 2 hours on the coach journey afterwards. So no advice I'm afraid, just hand holding. It's awful.

Highmaintenancefemalestuff Sun 19-Mar-17 11:27:55

We had a lovely few days, Dh was off wed, Thurs and Fri, he never acts up in public or with other people, just me. Yesterday was a lovely morning making an easter bonnet for preschool then it kicked off. Hitting biting ect.
Took him up to his room, kept trying to get out so I just blocked the way. Threw things at me and said horrible things. I kept up didn't show I was hurt ect, he eventually fell asleep. Came down all apologetic of his own accord when he woke.
I feel I'm not looking after the baby properly because controlling him takes up so much time.
Today has been good so far.
I've always been too soft, now I'm paying. He was supposed to go out today but I've cancelled and told him no nice things until his behaviour improves. We will see how the rest of today goes.
Hope your having a better day today baby

Lovelymonkeyninetynine Mon 20-Mar-17 22:50:50

We're just going through this with 4 year old ds. It's so hard but try not to take it personally, in fact he's doing it to you as your the person he trusts most in the world!
I've found it works to hold hands and arms down as gently as poss, saying 'I won't let you hurt me' again and again.
I also repeat that I won't leave him alone with these bad feelings, I'm here, etc etc. It sets a clear boundary that you won't be hurt without leaving them alone with it all.
It's hard though, I try this approach but a lot of the time end up shouting or having a few tears myself!
Another thing that's helped is scheduling alone time just the 2 of us, allowing him to choose what we do, away from his sibling. Sympathies, this is a very hard bit of parenting, make sure you get breaks/support to make sure you can be there for him x

Highmaintenancefemalestuff Thu 23-Mar-17 22:53:00

I sat in his room the last time he started hitting. It got really bad and painful but I didn't let anything show on my face. I sat in the doorway so he had to stay there. He cried so much he fell asleep. That's was Saturday and had no problems since. Tomorrow is the real test when his dad goes back to work. (Never does it when his dad is at home) I stopped his day out Sunday and his treats. He came down when he woke up and apologised without being told (never done this before) we had a Little chat and I told him if he can feel himself getting angry to go and take 5 in his bedroom.
I love spoiling him but this is where it's got me so it stops. I've come to the decision I'm his mum not his friend and although I desperately want him to love me, giving into him all the time is getting me nowhere.

user1469751309 Thu 23-Mar-17 22:58:51

My daughter was a bit like this and we spoke to the HV who send us on a parent relationship course. Initially I was really sceptical as I didn't think I needed help to love my baby but my god it helped so so much it's almost like play therapy and it turned things around for us and I just wish I'd done it sooner

Highmaintenancefemalestuff Thu 23-Mar-17 23:06:32

I was getting to the point where I thought the only option left was to ask for help. It frightens me In case they think I'm crap. I'm going to see how we get on with my new firmer approach if it doesn't show signs of improving I will speak to hv.
Gosh I could kick myself for being so bloody soft!

Goosegettingfat Thu 23-Mar-17 23:16:04

flowers you should def ask for help. This really isn't something anyone can help with without seeing you and your son IRL. They won't think you're crap. They'll think you're proactive, engaged and sensible. And much better to tackle this earlier rather than later. Good luck op

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds Fri 24-Mar-17 19:54:04

No one will think you are crap for asking for help.

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