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DSS has suspected Aspergers

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MrsJoJo Thu 09-Mar-17 15:32:52

DP & I are looking for some answers in what is currently a very difficult and somewhat emotive situation...

He has a very difficult relationship with his ex-wife which, amongst other things, has seen her complain to the Police about abusive text msgs (he asked to go to mediation to try and sort out their communication problems), complain to social services about the care of my 2 DSS whilst in our care (she wasn't happy about them being allowed to play out like my own DS and all the other children of the same age in our area - social services had no concerns). She has constantly refused mediation and at a recent counselling session with DSS's counsellor it was suggested they work to sort out their communication issues but she has not responded to my DPs request that they try to do this.

The oldest DSS has severe anxiety disorder (diagnosed) but we're now being told that he has ASD and all his issues stem from this. I see an exhausted and somewhat depressed little boy but we don't recognise the other traits we're being told he has as he just doesn't exhibit them when with us. His teachers don't see it either. He is on the waiting list for formal assessment but, in the meantime we've been asked to do certain things to help manage certain behaviours he doesn't exhibit when in our care.

Despite his formal diagnosis he also rarely exhibits anxiety when with us but we do see stomach issues akin to IBS - his mother dismissed this when we mentioned it some time ago. We give him space and help to calm him with lavender and rescue remedy if when he has trouble sleeping (this is frequent when he is with us for short periods but he settles very well the longer he is with us).

DP is concerned it's another ruse to disrupt his contact with his sons, and is keen to meet up and discuss things with her but only in the presence of a mediator as he doesn't want to be accused of anything again as we've recently moved house and had a baby so can do without any further drama! I'm prepared to keep an open mind on the ASD until his formal assessment but, FWIW, I recognise more traits in my own DS than I do in my DSS.

Is it possible for a child to hide their ASD traits from everyone except their primary carer? If so, do you know if there is anything we can do to help - at the moment we're being accused of being unhelpful but we don't wish to change how we manage our children as we've also been told that he prefers consistency.

I know this is rather long and rambling and I know there are no right or wrong answers but if anyone has any thoughts or insights they think may help I'd be really grateful!

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