Can anyone give me some help with how to deal with my 9 year old daughter who displays ODD behaviour.
Main problems are:
Needing me to do things for her like turn her blanket over when she's in bed, fetch whatever it is she needs, basically be her slave and when I explain why it's not ok she puts her hands over her ears and shouts la la la, so argument then ensues and I end up doing it all for her but making sure she knows that I'm not happy about it.
Getting and angry and shouting and becoming violent, also spitting. Without the knowledge of how to deal with this I end up in a row which can lead to my loosing my temper and manhandling her into her room or out of the room we're in which can result in her completely freaking, screaming and fitting on the floor, but still deadly determined to annoy me and everyone else as much a possible. If she's sitting in a place on the floor and kicking hard against the wall, or banging a door shut over again if she's removed from that place she will do whatever it takes to get back there so she can continue with the kicking or banging.
Using over the top violence with her brother and being prone to loose it over small things.
A seemingly complete inability to discuss her behaviour, even in quiet clam times if I try and brooch the subject she'll not listen at all, instead she'll change the subject but shout whatever it is she's saying over the top of me.
I can't find any help with dealing with this, all the stuff on the internet just says keep calm and stick to simple rules and consequences. But what consequences work with an ODD child, it doesn't say? And how do you deal with a child that is being violent and screaming in your face calmly, so far being calm has no effect, i might as well not be there.
Any advice would be very grateful received!
When she was diagnosed, didn't they give you any help in how to deal with her? It's terrible if you didn't.
What would happen if you didn't go upstairs to her when she wants someone to move her blanket?
Thanks for your input. She hasn't been diagnosed, I just know that she displays every behavioural trait of ODD, it says online if this has been going on for over 6 months then ODD will be diagnosed and hers has been going on for years. She has been referred to CAMHS in the past for tics, we used to think she had tourrettes but her tics have eased off and they have discharged her for a year for a year, now we still have her OCD which includes the whole mummy has to turn my blanket over thing, even if mummy is asleep!! If I don't do it then it just starts a whole horrible situation when she's tired and sleepy and will go to sleep if I do it, so it's very tempting to just do it to avoid her crying then getting angry, then me getting imagery etc.
I think what I need is some clear guidelines as to how to approach each issue. I have a friend who has a teenager who has been diagnosed with severe ODD as well a ADHD, she's told me to stay calm and consistently have consequences. But what are the best consequences to out in place? And also should she be punished for having her little OCD things, I want to get her out of using me to do all these little things for her, but is she wanting me to because it's a comfort thing for her, she has always been an anxious child which is where I think it comes from.
Parenting really can be an utter minefield! I don't really want to go down the CAMHS route again, I just want a parenting tactic i.e., what consequence is appropriate to use and works, and any other helpful advice.
Sounds really difficult I think you need to drop the consequences thing altogether for the time being. If she has anxiety then her own anxiety is going to feel bigger than any consequences that you can impose. In fact anger and the threat of consequences are likely to increase her anxiety, which leads to more tantrums and obsessions, and so on. Consequences will be for later, when you are more on top of the anxiety.
In the meantime, consistency is important - but what they don't tell you is that you can be consistently mild. I did that for my DS. He wanted something, he got it if it was possible, as soon as I knew what he wanted. For months on end. And I did not act in the least bit unhappy or disappointed about it. I only knew I was winning when he demanded the scissors and I said "Shall I get them now or can you wait five minutes while I finish this email?" He thought about it and said "five minutes Mummy".
The way I did consistency was to decide that some things are possible and some are not. The possible things are always possible, no need for a fuss. The impossible things are always impossible and they will never happen, no matter how much fuss he made. There were only a very few impossible things and our impossible things were mostly to do with physical safety (no you will not run in the road or throw the scissors or kick people or bite.) And as well as possible and impossible, a few things can be discussed and negotiated over (like scissors now or in five minutes?)
If getting her blanket is causing you to be seriously sleep deprived then it may have to become impossible, or impossible at certain times of the night (perhaps she could have an illuminated clock?) Otherwise if it really does send her straight to sleep and it's not happening too many times every night then get her blanket every time. No words, no hugs, no dragging it out. Just blanket and both of you back to bed. That's isn't giving in, that's strategy, and it is consistent, so there is no need to get angry. And set a time limit, maybe a month. And then check, how often does she ask for the blanket? If she is asking more often then after the month you will need to rethink. But if it's stable or even decreasing then you are winning.
If she is demanding attention instead of going to sleep in the evening then you might try a strategy I learned from Supernanny (!) Kiss gooodnight, then tell her to lie down and try go to sleep and say you'll be back in two minutes to give her a goodnight kiss. Return and repeat, this time say you'll be back in five minutes. Then 10, then 15, then 20. Keep it at about 20 til she nods off. Knowing that I would be back calmed my DS down and sent him off.
The big thing with my DS was I didn't want him to learn that making a violent fuss ever got him his own way. Instead I did whatever he wanted BEFORE he thought of making a fuss. Then I worked on getting him to do more for himself and need me less, by being pleased when he did anything for himself, and being pleased when he was able to wait for things just for a short time instead of wanting me to do it Right Now, and not being critical when he did something for himself and got it wrong (just trying to praise whatever bit he got right and ignoring the mess he made or whatever).
The book that made the biggest difference to me was this one It was originally aimed at kids with ODD type problems although it nicely covered my DS (who has an ASC diagnosis not ODD) as well. Helped me keep things calm and get my DS onto the right path.
I hope things work out well for you and for DD.
(PS I just realised I was slightly untrue about no consequences - the one thing we always had consequences for was physically hurting other people.)
Whilst you're waiting for Ross Greene's book, OP, do browse his website.
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