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11yr old says they are going to kill us -wwyd?!!!!

(11 Posts)
bellarosa81 Sat 11-Feb-17 13:12:59

Ok so i guess i need some perspective here :
It sounds so dramatic and she is a hormonal tween
But i am really upset by this .

She is currently seeing a psychologist to discuss her anger issues although
She has never Been physically violent. She mainly has problems with listening, following instructions and has an attitude that makes her very
Unpleasant to be around . On the plus side she is smart and funny and interesting to talk to.

Im Also worried about her Two younger sisters safety and general influence of her on them.

We have Been/ are investing Time and effort with her but i dont know how to react to her saying "i'm going to kill you" - (as in Both parents ).

So honestly - what would you do?

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 11-Feb-17 13:17:37

I'm absolutely no expert, so this could be completely the wrong thing, but my instinct would be to say something like "I'm sorry you're feeling like that" and ask her if she can tell me more about why she feels like that. I'd try and see it as a reaction to how she's feeling rather than a genuine wish/feeling if that makes sense.

Can you ask for some time on your own with the psychologist to discuss the best ways to respond to comments like that?

bellarosa81 Sat 11-Feb-17 13:49:59

Thanks , that's a good Idea.

We have a New baby so we've made sure we spend Time with her and let her feel she has a place in our family. This includes activities and Time just spent with her. However she adores her sisters .

The lousy attitude we can deal with and we cut her some slack with that with hormones etc but most of the time she acts like everyone is against her and so hard Done by.

I'm devasted she would say this to me- She thinks i hate her and thinks i wish she hadnt Been born . She wrote this in a note to me . She is My first born and i adore her ! I know i Shouldnt take her comments too personally but i'm so upset with her being like this . I have a terrible relationship with My mother who was emotionelly abusive and did in fact once tell me they wish id never Been born- so i know how hurtful it feels to hear that.

I just sat crying while feeding My baby and feeling like a complete failure.

Ohyesiam Sat 11-Feb-17 14:47:55

There is a course called hand in hand patenting, really really great d for stuff like this. Google one near you.

bellarosa81 Sat 11-Feb-17 14:52:39

Thank you !

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 11-Feb-17 14:55:02

She's only 11, it's important to remember that she doesn't have an adult understanding of what those words mean and how they might affect you. She's lashing out and she doesn't mean them in the way that an adult might.

There's a lot going on in her life at the moment, with the new baby, has she started secondary school this September as well? Try and take the words and look at them to reflect the strength of the emotion she's feeling, rather than taking them to heart personally.

bellarosa81 Sat 11-Feb-17 15:18:52


I feel embarassed that i react this way and get so upset - i understand that she is a Child and is lashing out. I sound so selfish making it all about me but i honestly Just want us to be close and have a great relationship.

I think the most upsetting is feeling that we have a bad relationship - i
Never imagine would be like this. Maybe this is the effect of My own relationship with My mother .

bellarosa81 Sat 11-Feb-17 15:20:52

And i supposed to Go deeper :

Hope the relationship replaces the poor One i had /have with My mother ?

That makes me sound even worse !

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 11-Feb-17 16:03:11

Having a good relationship means helping your child through the difficult pre-teen and teenage years, where she might lash out and react badly. I think all relationships have periods where you're not as close as you have been, these things shift and flow. It doesn't mean you have a bad relationship overall, it just means your DD is struggling at the moment.

I think the relationship with your mother is colouring how you feel, unsurprisingly. Have you had any counselling yourself about that?

Isadora2007 Sat 11-Feb-17 16:08:59

I found that talking to my older dd about all the things i had loved about her being a baby and being little helped me link why I wanted to have more babies (she was 9 when dd was born and 12 when DS was). So we looked at her baby book together and I spoke about my pregnancy with her and she began to see that my enjoyment of her wasn't lessened by wanting other children but because of enjoying her so much.
Does that make sense?
Fwiw 9-13 was very a hard age for dd who is now 16 and a wonderful young woman. Hang on in there.

bellarosa81 Sun 12-Feb-17 20:12:58

Sorry for the late reply...i appreciate the advice .

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