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Dd (8) frequent tears - anger, frustration, disappointment.... How do I help her stop?

(14 Posts)
ErnesttheBavarian Thu 26-Jan-17 12:16:37

Dd attendas a school where I also work, so I also get to see her during the day, and also in comparison with other kids in her class. So today, they were all supposed to go on a trip. She was excited, of course, all of the kids were. Unforseen problem arose, trip cancelled at last minute. Dd in floods of tears. All the other kids were obviously also disappointed. She was the only one crying, and not just crying. Massive sibs and drama.

As consolation, they went sledging. 60 odd kids out there all having fun. Someone accidentally crashes into dd. So then my dd is again crying, and sulking and angry, because the girl didn't apologise straight away, and because her friends didn't hang around (can't say I blame them!).

Then teacher says 1 more go, dd is still at bottom, and by the time she gets up, the kids are lining up, so she's in tears again.

Finally,once back in school, I give her a quick hug, and a sweety and say no more drama now, or something like that, and she's off again.

So, within 4 hours, 2 of them on an impromptue sledging fun activity she's in tears 4 times. And she's the only one. Tbh I feel embarrassed and asheamed. But I am also concerned she will lose friends - no one needs such drama surely. And she needs to learn to be more resilient. Life does give knock backs. Wallowing in it doesn't help.

So, how do I help her? At home she doesn't cry loads, but it is normally when she is angry or frustrated. then she also screams. (annoying dad and big brothers usually)

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 29-Jan-17 16:48:01

Why does she get a sweet and a hug?

FeckinCrutches Sun 29-Jan-17 16:50:17

My thoughts exactly John

wowbutter Sun 29-Jan-17 16:59:08

Ignoring it is probably ur best bet.
She starts greeting on, just take her away, don't molly coddle her. Do not give her sweets and cuddles in school, treat her like a pupil.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 29-Jan-17 17:01:22

What wow says and certainly don't reward this type of behaviour with sweets and hugs. That's not going to solve it and it's also not going to help her with her friendships.

WeAllHaveWings Sun 29-Jan-17 17:07:39

Don't fuel the fire by trying to make it better for her. Get her away somewhere and tell her to stay there until she has managed to calm down. Talk to her when she is calm and empathise how it is disappointing when plans change/something doesn't happen the way you want, but NEVER reward as it only fuels the fire.

I also used to sometimes tell ds he must be too tired for an activity if it made him teary and took him out of it and/or home for an early night. he quickly realised if I said you must be feeling tired he might be going home and calmed himself down.

ErnesttheBavarian Mon 30-Jan-17 16:57:52

Well, the hug and sweet were quite some time later, when all the kids were back in school. So I considered it to be separate and not related to the tears, and it wasn't a consolation hug, more of a greeting, just like I would do with many of the pupils.

I get plenty of hugs from other kids in the class, as do all the other staff - she isn't being singled out for hugs cos she's my dd - other teachers hug her (and other pupils) too, we are a very loving and friendly school!

I gave her a sweetie cos I was munching on them.

By the 3rd lot of tears I was pretty annoyed with her - probably also not the best way to react either. I told her she couldn't expect all her friends to hang around is she was angry and upset and she needed to just get on with it. Actually, she did snap out of it when I said that - until the next thing set her off.

I usually take a no-nonsense approach with her, and telling her to snap out of it often works, but it happens too much, more than other dc, and usually if something is frustrating or making her angry. So I can fire-fight the outbursts, but I'd like help on reducing their occurrence if that makes sense.

WeAllHaveWings Mon 30-Jan-17 18:46:47

Finally,once back in school, I give her a quick hug, and a sweety and say no more drama now, or something like that, and she's off again.

You connected the hug/sweet as a reward/bribe for no more drama. It fuels the fire.

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 30-Jan-17 19:47:48

Agree with WeAll. Think you might need to think about what rewards she receives for behaving like this overall.

Mogtheanxiouscat Wed 01-Feb-17 19:51:47

Is she often like that at school ernest ? Do her teachers find her over emotional?

spacebluebird Sun 05-Feb-17 00:26:29

I'm with the others. You need to let her tough it out for herself. I also suspect that it is like when you drop them off at nursery, they scream the place down till you are actually out of the door. Next holiday, find one of those camps where they take them all days out of doors and teach them to build a fort, and be resilient and just grow up. There are even overnight ones as well. Give her more responsibility at home as well. Packing her own bag in the morning, ironing her own clothes, emptying her waste-paper basket and dusting her room. Growing up is something that she needs to decide she wants to do, but if you do too much thinking and worrying for her she may not try very hard. This is just one of those situations where the more you do for her, the harder things will be for her. And if she gets angry with you for not helping more, you just explain lovingly that you want to give her more space to figure things out for herself. Your job is to listen to her when she comes to you with problems. And don't solve her problems. Just try to help her think about how she might solve them? She had a lot of options when the person crashed into her. One was to count to ten, another was a deep breath, another was to explain to the friend "I was upset when you crashed into me and I wished you had said sorry". There is a resource called the wheel of choices which I used with my 7-y-o to help him problem solve when he was angry. Try to give her some tools. Best of luck.

How much sleep does she get? My dd is 9 and has huge meltdowns when over tired.

ErnesttheBavarian Sun 05-Feb-17 07:53:52

Sorry, been away. I think all of you are a bit right smile

I do stay out of it generally. Eg 1st rime she was crying i just walked past and let her teacher deal with it and I didn't even make eye contact (not even sure either of them saw me). But then later I inadvertently linked the 2 which I hadn't realized until I read it on here. I think due to her Add she has a lot harder time coping with frustration, though with 3 big Brothers she gets plenty ouch practice. And yes, tiredness is definitely a factor. She's really needs to be in bed by 7.30 but this is hard to achieve. Though I do try hard, but will definitely try harder. Thanks also for the problem solving tips

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 05-Feb-17 19:33:53

@ErnestTheBacarian good luck with the 7.30 bedtime this week smile

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