I HATE YOU MUMMY......

[northerner]

How do you respond to this? I know he doesn't mean it, but it can be hurtful none the less.

I normally respond with 'well I LOVE you.'

Eben though the 5 year old in me wants to be mean back

[Greensleeves]

I say "Oh dear, that's not very nice. Poor Mummy "

And then hug-tickle-poke him and say "But I don't believe you anyway, I think you are just being a grumpy sausage"

[Miaou]

Absolutely the right response. He is testing you

[estar]

My five-year old has started this too - 'I hate you mummy, I'm going to find a different mummy now,' etc etc.

Normally on the way to school because he doesn't want to go, but not very vindictively or maliciously or anything.

I do the same as you - bored sounding response and 'well, I still love you'.

Only thing that I HAVEN'T ignored is when he once said 'me and my friends are going to get you at playtime' and I suddenly responded and pulled him up short, telling him he must never say that to anyone as it is nasty bullying (was gutted actually to think he may have said that to other children) but my reaction shocked him, esp the word 'bullying' and he quickly backed down.

Not too worried as he is a lovely affectionate boy, but they do pick up a lot of phrases from their friends, don't they?

[Sugarmagnolia]

Yes, they don't mean it now but just wait until they're 13 and they really do! (Or at least think they do) The things I said to my mum when I was a teenager make me cringe now.

But yes, when my 3 or 5 year old says it I just laugh it off and say "that's a shame" or "I still love you" or make a joke of it. The other day DS said it and I asked him if I should leave and he would just live with daddy. He said yes so I asked him what he would eat if I wasn't there to cook. PANCAKES! he shouted gleefully - it's the only thing DH every cooks.

[flypnay704]

My almost 3 1/2 year old has been having to deal with the split of his father and I. We have lived separately for about 8 months now. About a month ago, I was drying my son off from his bath & like clockwork, I told him that I loved him. He said "No, mommy doesn't love me". And I sat him down and asked him why he thought that. He had no answer, however I did tell him that mommy loved him VERY much and that I will always love him and I'd do anything for him. 1 month later, we are playing on the couch watching "CARS" the movie, and he says "I don't love mommy, I love daddy. I don't need mommy - I need daddy."

I don't ever remember saying these things as a child, so I don't remember how it must feel to try and test the water through hurtful things. I didn't even know he knew the word "need" to put it into a sentence like that. Needless to say, I asked him why he felt that way & he had no answer for me. I am hurt, yes - but moreso wondering why he feels the way he does when he spends most of his time with me and only some weekends with his father. The only thing I can think of is when he is with me, things are structured (bedtime, dinner time, rules etc etc), but when he is with his father, he doesn't have those rules or that type of structure, so he is gravitating towards the parent he feels is more "FUN".

I'm not sure if anyone has any advice for divorced parents that have a toddler saying mean things. I've asked his father & it doesn't seem that he is saying mean things to his father.

Thank you in advance.

[cory]

flypnay704 Sat 19-Sep-09 00:18:53 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

"I don't ever remember saying these things as a child"

Ah, but how much do you remember of your conversational powers at 3.5? I don't remember the things I said when I was 3- my mother does! Fortunately, she laughs at them.

I think you are overanalysing them because of the recent divorce; it must make it far harder for you to hear these things. But please rest assured that those of us who are in happy stable marriages, both parents sharing discipline and fun equally, still have to listen to these things from our little dears.

They just don't have the asssociations we do. They live in the moment. "I don't love mummy" means "I am not feeling loving towards you this moment" (something we surely experience ourselves from time to time). They have no perception of the life-long commitment we intend when we say "I love you, ds". Doesn't mean they won't grow up to have that life-long love for us.

I was told quite calmly that my love won't matter to dd when she is grown-up because I'll be dead then. She didn't seem in the least worried by the thought. And she was not a callous or damaged or unloved child: she was just a 2yo.

Your job is not to project your feelings on your child, not to show that you are hurt, not to expect them to make you feel loved (not their job at this age), but to be the calm, wise grown-up who maintains the reassurance of love under all circumstances. Greensleeve's response is spot-on.

[pigletmania]

Flypnay, this must hurt a lot but please dont worry, your ds is only 3.5 and probably is too young to process what is going on around him, it is an unsetteling time for him, and as you are probably his main caregiver he takes his frustration and mabey anger out on you. You have to keep saying that you love him, and both your ex partner and you love him very much and will always be there for him even though his daddy does not live with you anymore. Your ds is probably scared, just lots of hugs cuddles and reassurance.

The stuff i used to say to my poor mother, that i hated her(i was a dreadful child and teen), and i would call SS on her if i did not get what i wanted. Bless her heart she is a fantastic mother and i must have been an absolute nighmare even though my mum does not admit it and thinks that i was the child from heaven.

[piscesmoon]

I agree with Greensleeves-use that comment-or just calmly say 'fair enough but I love you,' and change the subject. You are the adult, they are the child-they don't mean it. I agree with cory-their job isn't to make you feel loved and they shouldn't feel responsible for your feelings-keep them hidden. They need to know that you love them whatever.

[pigletmania]

Gosh corey your 2yo is ver articulate, my dd 2.6 cant speak like that, she just tells me two or three word sentances, i think that when she is about 3-3.5 she will probaly be speaking fluently like that. I agree, they are still very young and do not have a broad enough language skills to express themselves properly as older children and adults do.

[cory]

pigletmania Sat 19-Sep-09 10:58:52 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

"Gosh corey your 2yo is ver articulate, my dd 2.6 cant speak like that, she just tells me two or three word sentances"

She was just under 3; I found it in my old notes (she's nearly 13 now), so that's how I can date it. Remember mentioning it to the HV at the 3 yrs check up.

[pigletmania]

oh right cory, no my dd cannot articulate very well and if she cannot express herself resorts to crying like a baby would which is annoying. We all talk to her like we would an adult, always have done, reading to her, she has started to go to nursery one day a week. I am not concerned at this stage and have noticed imporvements in her speaking as the weeks have gone by but just little steps. Apparently i was about 3 according to my mum when i stared to speak properly and was out of nappies.

[cory]

dd was quite late in her speech until a month or two before she turned 3 and then it was like it all came at once

[pigletmania]

she still has plenty of time me thinks