DSS is 5, very bright, very lovely but hugely sulky and destructive if he doesn't get his own way. (DSD is 10, is also bright but well behaved, just occasionally a bit of a know-it-all which just gets ignored).
I have a good relationship with DSS in that we have a pleasant, friendly and cuddly relationship, but I do not interfere with discipline unless I am the only adult in the room and he is doing something dangerous.
He is a delightful child to be around, he is articulate and funny, but if he doesn't get his own way, or told no, he just flips and hits or tries to break something. DP deals with him by quietly trying to rationalise with him but it does not work as he is so angry he isn't thinking, and he is also very, very good at arguing back and denying he did anything wrong (he will claim it was someone else even when you see him doing it). So it usually ends up in what DP calls compromise, but I call bribery...
Just to give an example - we have a heavily pregnant cat (not irresponsible owners - it is a stray who turned up on the doorstep and it was only when we took her to get neutered we found out she was pregnant). DSS saw the cat scratching the carpet and ran up to her shouting 'stop it' and kicked her -he has been told not to tell the cat off but to tell an adult-. Fortunately the cat managed to get behind the sofa. As I was the only adult around I pulled him up on it and said something along the lines of "Stop that now. Don't you ever kick animals, it's very cruel and she has babies in her tummy who might get hurt". I did not raise my voice (DP's ex will not allow raised voices), but I did speak sternly to him. His immediate response was to reply with "I didn't kick her I just moved her with my foot" - he didn't as I was there and heard the thud. I refuse to get drawn into debates with him as to whether he has, or hasn't, done something as he will just lie about what he has done even when he knows the adult knows he is lying (he can actually claim he isn't doing something whilst being stood there still doing it in front of you). I just repeated that he must not do what he did to the cat (not mentioning kicking just that whatever it was mustn't happen again. Because I refused to be drawn into a debate I got "Noone ever listens to me" - from his father (and I assume mother) this draws out another debate so as not to hurt his feelings. I replied "I will listen to you when you are behaving." - this resulted in him kicking one of his toys he had been given for christmas (main present) which I removed from him and put out of reach. DSS then sat on the floor and sulked and I took the cat out of the room. I gave him 5 minutes to have his stew and went back in, asked him he was ready to come and play the game we were about to play and he came in and sat on my knee and it was all over. The whole thing was started and over in less than 10 minutes - reasoning and a debate tends to result in worse and worse behaviour escalating and it continuing for at least an hour, if not niggly, deliberate bad behaviour, for the rest of the day. It was over in 10 minutes and he behaved impeccably (and kindly to the cat) for the rest of the day.
Just so as not to drip feed - I do not have any children myself but did have part custody (weekends and holidays) of my cousin's children after she died so do have some experience with children. They came to live with me part time as respite for their grandparents after their mother died. I was very young at the time, only 21, and still at uni (I was working full time and at uni on day release and had my own place) so that was a huge learning curve for me, but despite them being quite damaged children, they were almost always well behaved and never destructive or violent.
So the question is - how do you deal with a child who resorts to destructive/violent behaviour when they are told no? He also claims noone listens to him (they do) and uses the go-to words of "shut up" and "you're stupid" - I take this to mean that they are the words he considers most hurtful so purposely never use them around him myself. Was I way off the mark and would I have been better disciplining how his father does and trying to reason with him? Does "no-the reason reason-self reflection-then end" work? He never actually conceded that he had even done something wrong and didn't apologise (I have never heard either child apologise for anything), but he did behave impeccably for the rest of the day -normally we have several "dos" a day and this was the only one. I'm totally second guessing myself about all this.
FWIW I didn't tell his father about the behaviour as he would have taken him aside and explained why he mustn't do what he did and as DSS had only just calmed down, and would be likely to get riled again, I didn't feel it would serve a purpose. I will tell him later today after I have finished work as I do feel him kicking animals needs addressing, but perhaps in a neutral situation so as not to be antagonistic and so it might sink in.
Before anyone comes out with the stock phrase of "you sound like you don't like him very much". I do like him very much, I just don't like his behaviour and am struggling to deal with it.
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Behaviour/development
Can someone help me understand this behaviour and how to deal with it?
26 replies
SteppingOnToes · 27/12/2016 09:27
OP posts:
KarmaNoMore ·
27/12/2016 14:09
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