Please help my adult son with his issues?

[user1480270670]

Hi Mumsnet! This is my first post so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place...

My only son (I won't say his name in case he finds out (he spends a lot of time on the internet)) is 22 years old.

Up until the age of 16, he was a normal teenager. He would show interest in girls (though with mixed successes) and was a little too interested with computers, but other than that he was fine.

However, when he was 16, I got divorced from his father for reasons I'd rather not go into, but it had a profound effect on my son, despite attempts at mediation between him and his father.

He dropped out of A-Levels and has refused to leave the house or get a job since. He stays awake late and plays video games for incredibly long periods of time. He plays this online game which he says he can't stop playing so he has a tendency to wee into drank coke bottles so he doesn't have to leave his computer (I have to empty them out myself because he can't be bothered).

I want to get him to put his life on track but I feel so guilty over the divorce. I feel like it's my fault. To try and make him get a job or go back to college, I have instituted a system I call "good boy points", something I have seen parents do with younger children. I award small points for things like putting the toilet seat down after he has used it or for washing up his plate. For five "good boy points" he can get his favourite dinner (Chicken Tenders or "tendies").

The ultimate prize is a brand new computer at 1000 good boy points, which he can get if he gets a job or goes back to college.

Since I have instituted this system, he has gotten worse. He frequently flies into fits of rage when I refuse to go to the shop and buy him some Chicken Tenders and smashes things up when he loses at his games. I once told him to quieten down at two in the morning and he threw one of his full up coke bottles over me and told me to leave.

I am at a loss. Have any of you had trouble with this before? I love him so much but it can't go on this way.

Thank you for your help.

Janice

[DoItTooJulia]

Hi,

You don't need to put up with this. He's an adult in your home and needs to shape up or ship out. I would tolerate no violence and aggression in my own home.

Do you have any RL support at all? (And you might want to report your post and get MNHQ to edit out your name)

[backtowork2015]

Would he see his doctor? He sounds depressed. Does he have any friends or social life? Does he see his dad?

[Amandahugandkisses]

Oh. My. God.
Good boy points? He's 22.
He threw a bottle of p over you?
You are being abused in your own home.
He needs to move out pronto. Really shocked at this.

[mumblechum0]

This sounds very similar to a family we know.

They eventually "cured" him by taking him to Australia for a 5 week holiday which was a complete digital detox, ie he couldn't even have access to a smart phone.

He still doesn't have a job but they only got back a few weeks ago and at least he is now finally looking for a job

[mumblechum0]

Oh, and time to have the wifi disconnected completely I think. If he's techy he'll find ways around your temporarily suspending it.

[Floggingmolly]

He's 22, and you're treating him like a 5 year old. How does he react to having his Good Boy Points doled out??!
Is he NT?
Chuck him out and let him get his own chicken

[titchy]

'Tendies'? wtf? Is he 3? Or does he have SN?

Assuming this is real, turn off the wifi. Phone the police if he kicks off.

[Maudlinmaud]

Out out out!
Into the real world he must go! It's for his own good and for the sake of your sanity.
Get him out to hell!

[Heirhelp]

22 he is an adult! I can't imagine he is reacting well to good boy points. He is not a boy. He is an adult and his behaviour is unacceptable. He may have depression or he maybe just an abusive free loader.

If it was me I would cancel the wifi. Then give him a choice behave like an adult, cleaning, washing, cooking bs behave appropriately. He also need to go to the job centre and the docs as he is probably depressed. Or he moves out.

[mumblechum0]

Thing is, I guess the OP is afraid to take all of the actions advocated here because he's already been violent towards her.

It's an awful situation to be in.

[JustAnotherSadOldNumber]

is this a fetish post... some adult baby Mummy thing?

[5minutestobed]

You've posted this before OP.

[Amandahugandkisses]

This chicken tendies thing really sounds disturbing. As is the emptying out pee bottles

[Babs781]

Is he ok?