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Please help my adult son with his issues?

(15 Posts)
user1480270670 Sun 27-Nov-16 18:25:11

Hi Mumsnet! This is my first post so I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place...

My only son (I won't say his name in case he finds out (he spends a lot of time on the internet)) is 22 years old.

Up until the age of 16, he was a normal teenager. He would show interest in girls (though with mixed successes) and was a little too interested with computers, but other than that he was fine.

However, when he was 16, I got divorced from his father for reasons I'd rather not go into, but it had a profound effect on my son, despite attempts at mediation between him and his father.

He dropped out of A-Levels and has refused to leave the house or get a job since. He stays awake late and plays video games for incredibly long periods of time. He plays this online game which he says he can't stop playing so he has a tendency to wee into drank coke bottles so he doesn't have to leave his computer (I have to empty them out myself because he can't be bothered).

I want to get him to put his life on track but I feel so guilty over the divorce. I feel like it's my fault. To try and make him get a job or go back to college, I have instituted a system I call "good boy points", something I have seen parents do with younger children. I award small points for things like putting the toilet seat down after he has used it or for washing up his plate. For five "good boy points" he can get his favourite dinner (Chicken Tenders or "tendies").

The ultimate prize is a brand new computer at 1000 good boy points, which he can get if he gets a job or goes back to college.

Since I have instituted this system, he has gotten worse. He frequently flies into fits of rage when I refuse to go to the shop and buy him some Chicken Tenders and smashes things up when he loses at his games. I once told him to quieten down at two in the morning and he threw one of his full up coke bottles over me and told me to leave.

I am at a loss. Have any of you had trouble with this before? I love him so much but it can't go on this way.

Thank you for your help.

Janice

DoItTooJulia Sun 27-Nov-16 18:29:20

Hi,

You don't need to put up with this. He's an adult in your home and needs to shape up or ship out. I would tolerate no violence and aggression in my own home.

Do you have any RL support at all? (And you might want to report your post and get MNHQ to edit out your name)

flowers

backtowork2015 Mon 28-Nov-16 14:49:26

Would he see his doctor? He sounds depressed. Does he have any friends or social life? Does he see his dad?

Amandahugandkisses Mon 28-Nov-16 14:55:18

Oh. My. God.
Good boy points? He's 22.
He threw a bottle of p over you?
You are being abused in your own home.
He needs to move out pronto. Really shocked at this.

mumblechum0 Mon 28-Nov-16 14:57:45

This sounds very similar to a family we know.

They eventually "cured" him by taking him to Australia for a 5 week holiday which was a complete digital detox, ie he couldn't even have access to a smart phone.

He still doesn't have a job but they only got back a few weeks ago and at least he is now finally looking for a job

mumblechum0 Mon 28-Nov-16 14:59:08

Oh, and time to have the wifi disconnected completely I think. If he's techy he'll find ways around your temporarily suspending it.

Floggingmolly Mon 28-Nov-16 15:02:18

He's 22, and you're treating him like a 5 year old. How does he react to having his Good Boy Points doled out??!
Is he NT? confused
Chuck him out and let him get his own chicken hmm

titchy Mon 28-Nov-16 15:08:01

'Tendies'? wtf? Is he 3? Or does he have SN?

Assuming this is real, turn off the wifi. Phone the police if he kicks off.

Maudlinmaud Mon 28-Nov-16 15:09:15

Out out out!
Into the real world he must go! It's for his own good and for the sake of your sanity.
Get him out to hell!

Heirhelp Mon 28-Nov-16 15:34:48

22 he is an adult! I can't imagine he is reacting well to good boy points. He is not a boy. He is an adult and his behaviour is unacceptable. He may have depression or he maybe just an abusive free loader.

If it was me I would cancel the wifi. Then give him a choice behave like an adult, cleaning, washing, cooking bs behave appropriately. He also need to go to the job centre and the docs as he is probably depressed. Or he moves out.

mumblechum0 Mon 28-Nov-16 15:41:12

Thing is, I guess the OP is afraid to take all of the actions advocated here because he's already been violent towards her.

It's an awful situation to be in.

JustAnotherSadOldNumber Mon 28-Nov-16 15:59:54

is this a fetish post... some adult baby Mummy thing?

5minutestobed Mon 28-Nov-16 16:02:43

You've posted this before OP.

Amandahugandkisses Mon 28-Nov-16 17:08:41

This chicken tendies thing really sounds disturbing. As is the emptying out pee bottles hmm

Arfarfanarf Tue 29-Nov-16 16:27:27

I don't think infantalising a grown man who is being aggressive is a good idea. At 22 years old, you do not run a 'good boy points' system. Does he get gold stars as well? Time out on the naughty step?

What needs to happen is that you see him as and treat him as the adult that he is. Things that were used when he was a child are no longer appropriate.

If he is being aggressive - he moves out.

If he won't move out, you enlist help to make him move out.

You need to stop seeing him as a child. He is a 22 year old man.

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