Children who are deliberately annoying

[margaritasbythesea]

My 8 year old daughter is a past master at winding people up. She has been ever since I can remember.

We currently have a start chart n place which has been working ok for weeks -it's not the first time we have tried this but it is the first time it has worked. Until today, we've only had one breakdown.

She sometimes seems totally unable to control it, unable to stop it, and appears to really enjoy the sense of power it gives her, even if she is at the same time getting sad about being warned that she will lose her star (she gets three warnings).

I try and stay calm as I know any pyrotechnics fromm me or her brother is fuel to the fire, although today I did lose my temepr with her and gave her a proper row. I hate to do this as I usually try and build her self esteem and encourage good behaviour through praise (and the start chart is expressed in this way). Giving her a row just runs her down in a way that is counter-productive.

My question is, can anyone give me any insight into why she does it, apart from the sense of power, how to divert it and any other tricks apart from the chart and more than anything else, can you tell me if it is normal. It's not something me or her brother do. It's not in our nature but it certainly seems to be in hers and I am at a bit of a loss to understand it.

[NickyEds]

What was the row over? How did it start?

[margaritasbythesea]

She was disrupting getting ready for school, and not taking any warnings to stop. So, she was doing things to DS she knows he hates like showing him the food in her mouth, pinging his pant elastic when he was bent over to put his trousers on, hiding his socks. Also to me, asking the same question over and over again without giving any pause to allow an answer, constantly knocking on the door when I was in the bathroom and shouting when I asked her to wait a minute for me to finish peeing. Also, making lots of silly noises when I or DS were trying to speak.

I gave her her three warnings, she lost her star and still didn't stop. I just lost my patience and shouted at her.

[margaritasbythesea]

By the way, she did actually get ready for school she just stopped me and DS doing so. It's so deliberate and I feel so frustrated.

She will often push DS to unbalance him when he is putting on his shoes or pinch him too. Anything to get him roaring, which I then also have to sort out.

[margaritasbythesea]

Bump.

[IWokeUpLikeThisHonest]

This is very normal sibling behaviour IMO but I will agree it's extremely annoying. At the moment she is getting attention from it. So as hard as it is I would switch to praising her brother for ignoring her and ignore her and support him. As for the star chart one of the key rules is not to take stars away. Star charts are great but if used incorrectly they can be quickly demoralising for the child. She got the star for good behaviour she has already had so rather than removing the star you need to think about a consequence for the current
behaviours and keep the stars for positive reinforcement. I would up the amount attention she gets from you for positive behaviours. Obviously this is all very easy to say! Good luck!

[margaritasbythesea]

Thank you. It makes me feel so terrible not to gave a way to calm the situation down sometimes.

She gets a star for getting ready for school nicely so she didnt lose it she just didnt earn it.

[IWokeUpLikeThisHonest]

Ah ok well it sounds like she might just be testing boundaries again then, sounds like you are doing all you can. Don't give up!

[Ellieboolou27]

Hi
I was coming on here to pose a similar question regarding my 4yo dd, the behaviours you describe are like what my 4yo does, especially the asking the same question repeatedly.
I can't say what works as sometimes her moods come out of the blue, I just try and be calm and praise positives though at times I lose my temper. I think a lot to do with it is attention but I'm bumping and hoping you get some more advice.

[margaritasbythesea]

Dd was much much worse when she was 4. I feel bad that I have managed to really solve the problem. She's just not someone who either ever backs down or accepts judgement. She is fascinated by rules, knows them inside out and keeps them immaculately at school and subverts them constantly at home. These can be good qualities in an adult but exhausting in a child.

[Ellieboolou27]

Yes totally exhausting, I even called a health visitor out as I thought it's not normal, she is so defiant and stubborn. It's got worse since her sister came along. Yes! The never backing down is a huge issue, she has cast iron will and would rather miss out than back down or apologise.

She has to be the first, the fastest etc.
She is also really rude to a friend of mine, she's friends with her daughter but they bicker and if friends mum tells her off she'll completely ignore or even worse say she can't tell her what to do! It's got to the point where it's not cute anymore, quite concerning, I do hope as she gets older the defiance evens out a bit.

Same with rules, she's also not intimidated by adults or older children but will become shy to the point of rudeness in some situations.

Bloody exhausting but maybe our girls are destined to be future leaders, short of reading any more books on behaviour or seeing a child psychologist I'm at a loss.

[margaritasbythesea]

I agree! I am loathe to batter it out if her and tell her to be nice. The world has enough of that.

And she IS a lovely girl and very well behaved (with everyone except people she feels safe with)