Just lost it and now sat crying :(

[Brooksy33]

Hi everyone,
First post here-hoping for some guidance/support. DD is 2.5 and is a huge daddy's girl which is fine I guess - she will always call for him and want him over me and I don't think we have an amazing relationship. I would certainly want a better one.
Anyway, over the last 2 weeks, tantrums have been full on and after taking her out this morning for a lovely few hours, I needed to pop to the supermarket and nightmare child emerged. By the time I got her to the car and was (attempting) to get her into her car seat, I just lost it and shouted at her.
I just feel that I'm not a good mum to her. As much as I try to do activities, playgroups etc she will just kick off. I just don't know who to talk to as I I'm starting to not want to spend time with her. Anyone out there in a similar situation?

[bummymummy77]

Ds is almost 3 and has turned from the sweetest Mummies boy in a little terror sometimes. 99% of the time I see it as the struggling to cope with his complicated little life changed and feelings he's unable to cope with (or coping very well hence the outbursts) as every single one of his friends is acting the same right now but the other day I yelled at him and he'd sobbed for a full hour.

It's wrong and it's shit but it's happened and you need to learn from it and move on.

Makes me so pissed at myself, if I can't control my feelings I shouldn't be annoyed at a three year old not being able to.

Hugs and patience to you op.

[bummymummy77]

Oh and ds only wants Dad. I'm the anti Christ right now. This too shall pass.

[bummymummy77]

I find sitting and reading books for an hour reconnects us.

[Namechangeemergency]

You are not a terrible mum.
I expect she was tired after a couple of hours activities and the supermarket was too much for her.

I know they have to learn to fit in with our schedules and all that but after 5 kids I am a firm believer in avoiding things that are bound to set them off unless I have no choice.

Most kids are hard work at this age. As she gets older and better at communicating it will get easier.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[angstybaby]

you have to stay strong. tantrums are awful but they're not personal. keep calm (and I've been exactly where you are many times!) and don't let her wind you up. that you've only shouted at her once means that you've been doing really well in keeping your cool. if she starts to have a tantrum at an activity say, 'ok, let's go home' and follow through. don't let her be in charge. my DD will often play it very cool with me and i don't chase after her. she comes around. girls are very good at social situations and she's learning how to control what's happening around her. you have to be the boss and the only way you'll stop her from manipulating you is to stop letting her manipulate you IYSWIM. be consistent, be calm and if she behaves in ways that aren't ok with you, punish her in a calm and consistent way (naughty step, whatever). my DD is very good at being naughty but not enough to be sent to the naughty step. it's a constant battle as she's often trying to challenge me (blimey i sound a bit nuts but i swear i'm not!)

calling for daddy is a way of upsetting you. just say 'fine' and get on with something else. make her come to you.

and don't feel bad. i felt this way a while back and i started spending more time with DD just doing things she liked, just the 2 of us (she's one of 3). it really helped create a connection. sometimes if she's being challenging I'll just take her off on her once and we'll have some mummy-DD time, reading, etc. often she just needs a bit of attention. not sure if you have other DCs

anyway, good luck. you just shouted at her - you're not a terrible mother. might do her good to see that mummy has her limits! has she been nicer to you since then?

[Brooksy33]

bummymummy77 - thank you. That's good advice to do something to reconnect after we've had an episode where we've both got upset.

Namechangeemergency - you're right, I think she was tired after the morning. She actually loves the supermarket and carries the basket and does little jobs for me but it was when we got to the checkout and I wouldn't let her do something that she went mad. I have certainly learnt my lesson!

angstybaby - thank you so much for the support and tips. I guess as I'm the one that's with her the majority of the time then I'm going to get the brunt of it. We are expecting another baby and maybe this is where her behaviour is stemming from? I try and do things with her on my days off of work that I think she enjoys.

[PilkoPumpPants]

It's a very very hard age and the mood swings come from nowhere. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

[PilkoPumpPants]

Ah sorry just seen your having another baby. Have instead.

After a bad day just tell yourself, tomorrows a new day. Always helps me.

[Flanderspigeonmurderer]

Two and a half is a very hard age. Supermarkets definitely brought out the worst in my son at that age,it was hell. Be kind to yourself, being a parent is hard, we are not robots and sometimes we reach our limit!

[bummymummy77]

Ds actually made me full on weep in a supermarket the other week. He was doing this incredibly loud Pingu impression and kicking me the whole way round and at the end I burst in to tears.

[Growingbeanno2]

Oh bless you. I too have a 2yr old and am expecting another. I've shouted more than once and feel horrific afterwards.

I try to spend special time with him and have been reading the blogs on hand in hand parenting for strength, guidance support and reassurance.

I firmly believe that our children need to see us react as a 'normal' human occasionally and although shouting or 'loosing it's is not every day normal, it's showing that youre able to show your emotions. It's all about letting them know that we have e feelings, that they can be let out and then how we deal with them. By geting upset and by saying sorry you are modelling good emotional regulation and skill.

I hope you have a good lunch and quiet time this afternoon.

[bummymummy77]

Yes the Facebook groups help as little mantras and snippets pop up that mindmind me he's just a normal kid not the devil incarnate.

[Blossomdeary]

Don't cry - I have done it and so have most parents - we are only human! And mine have grown up into fine well-balanced adults.

Be a bit kind to yourself.

[Fortyisthenewthirty]

I could have written this a couple of years ago. Even now, sometimes for my son it's "anyone but mummy" because I'm the constant, the one who makes the rules.

Toddler tantrums are hard, but they are not personal. In fact nothing is personal at that age. They live in the moment and display every feeling.

I agree with the PP that the supermarket was probably too much in that example. I know sometimes we have to do what we have to do, but it's always best with my little boy to get the hard stuff done first and then the fun.

Have a look at Janet Lansbury, who writes on a style of parenting called RIE. It's really for babies upwards, but we started it about that age for those reasons and it really helped me understand what was going on. It's not about your daughter - she sounds completely normal for the age, it's about how you feel and react to it. Understanding it is the first step to changing that.

You're definitely not a bad mum. I felt that way too and still do on the days that I get it wrong. The fact that you are searching for the solution and that you want a better connection with your daughter means that you are a great mum. Sometimes we are very hard on ourselves.

[bummymummy77]

I heart Janet Lansbury very very much.