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How should I handle my 5 year old

(5 Posts)
Kmxxx14 Fri 28-Oct-16 13:27:24

Before now my son has always been very easy to manage behaviour wise. Now he has just turned 5 he has started to become more challenging and I'm not sure how I should handle him. I would like people's opinions and for someone to say "you should do xyz when he does xyz".

For example I he will be misbehaving and I will say "do not do that otherwise I will remove the toy/send you to your room etc" he will then reply "ok that's fine I'll just go to my room/here take the toy". So he is always trying to be in control and it's so annoying. If I say "no I told you if you don't stop doing xyz then that will happen" he will just insist on the punishment anyway so if I then say "ok give me the toy/go to your room" he starts screaming even though he was insisting on the punishment anyway! What do I do in these circumstances? He is CONSTANTLY doing it and it's do annoying.

Also another example was that I had a baby 6 weeks ago. He accidentally hurt the baby over the head at 6 days old. Obviously I was panicking as it was very hard and I said to him "don't worry I know it was an accident" as I didn't want him worrying even though j was upset and he replied "no I meant it" even though he didn't. And I ended up screaming at him as I was so annoyed.

I know it doesn't sound particularly bad but he's never been this way and I always instinctively knew how I should deal with difficult behaviour but this just really winds me up and I'm not sure how to deal with it

corythatwas Tue 01-Nov-16 14:50:14

You had a baby 6 weeks ago (Congrats!!!). Don't you think this could be part of the issue? He feels jealous and put out and is expressing his feelings by pretending he doesn't care about you and your reactions.

Ime little boys who put up a façade of "I don't care" always care enormously.

What he needs is a mum who is bigger than all that, who sees through it, who doesn't rise to the bait. The correct answer to "I don't love you" is "that doesn't matter, because I love you and I will always love you". Show him that, and you will be fine.

Try not to get too stuck into a rut of punishment. A lot of the time it is possible to manage behaviour without a set scale of punishment, often you can to stop undesirable behaviour simply by a firm NO, and then move on. And after all, if this does the trick- why not? job done. He will still learn the same lesson, i, e. that you are in charge.

If you do punish, then the punishment itself should be enough, not his reaction. Rules should be clear and consistent with specific offences leading to punishment. Not getting upset enough is not an offence and should not be treated as such. Otherwise you could find yourself getting into a vicious circle where you have to push harder and harder to break him. And if he is a proud and spirited little boy, that could go on for far too long.

Make sure you have extra 1-1 time, even if that does mean letting baby wait a little bit longer to be seen to, or your dh/a relative/a friend looking after baby. When the 3 of you are together, make sure your attention is focused on the elder one for a lot of the time: he is the one that is going to notice the most.

Don't let him see that you are hurt or upset by anything he does. When he is feeling vulnerable, the last thing he needs is to feel responsible for your emotions. Discipline him when he is naughty, but don't let him feel it is his job to keep you happy. That will only frighten him and make him more obdurate.

Suzietwo Tue 01-Nov-16 14:58:40

That's one of the best posts I've ever read on Mumsnet

mjas Tue 01-Nov-16 20:04:28

Great post above. Also, there is a book "siblings without rivalry", which explains very well how such behaviour can arise after the arrival of new sibling and suggests various strategies on how to acknowledge child's feelings and how to deal with it. Also, the book "how to talk that kids would listen and how to listen that kids would talk" is excellent (by the same authors). Both for understanding why children can behave the way they behave and offering concrete ways of how to respond.

DarkDarkNight Tue 01-Nov-16 22:26:29

I came on to post my own thread tonight about my little boy but clicked on your thread because of the I am struggling with the behaviour of my 3 year old.

Although there is an age difference he sounds similar to your son. He seems to need to be in control.

Following because this and the advice from cory has struck a chord.

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