16 month old - please help

[Flickflickyflick]

Please help!
Hi everyone,
Please could someone/anyone offer me some advice about my 16 month old.
She is my second child, I also have a 6 year old daughter who was never like my youngest.

She has tantrums like you would not believe, she is the stroppiest little madam and I don't know what to do with her when she has one of her meltdowns. If I do something that she doesn't like, or take something away from her, or have the audacity to say no to her then she goes into full meltdown mode, throws herself on the floor and screams. I mean actually screams, it's a noise that makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall.
It's becoming particularly bad at tea time when I need to cook tea, she doesn't want me to put her down, she wants to be carried all the time. If I put her down, the meltdown ensues and I actually just stand and stare out the window sometimes wishing I was anywhere else.Distraction doesn't work, television doesn't work, nothing seems to work with this child!
If we're out and she doesn't want to walk or go in her buggy she screams until I put her on my shoulders....I'm sure you can imagine, the list goes on.

She has also started not wanting to go down at bedtime, she wants to be held, she cries and screams in her cot but I have taken to just leaving her because I literally can't cope anymore, I need some time in the evening to be away from her!

I am a single Mum since Jan this year because my husband had an affair, so doing this alone.

My eldest was a little star compared to this. I'm not a soft touch, I am a fairly strict parent I would say. My eldest is a lovely child, people always comment on her manners etc. I just can't understand why my youngest is the way she is or how on earth I am supposed to deal with it.

I am at my wits end, I hate to admit but there's been so many occasions recently where I wish I didn't have her. Which is awful and I feel terrible when she's being a little sweetheart. But that never lasts.

Any help would be much appreciated, I don't know what to do anymore.

[VoldemortsNipple]

This is a terrible stage of development op and I really feel for you having to do it alone. From the sound of it, your dd sound like she has anxiety of you leaving her. This could have been prompted by her dad leaving. For her, she is finding it difficult to understand where daddy has gone and can't process when he is coming back. Even if he is seeing them regularly , it's still difficult for your dd to understand. Therefore she wants you in close contact all of the time incase you disappear too.

My advice for dealing with the behaviour is be consistent and don't walk away while she's having a tantrum. My approach is to move the child away, maybe some where quiet like the hall, sit them down (but don't force them if they refuse) then I will sit next to them but look the other way. After a short time I will ask the child if they are ready to listen/talk and will explain very simply why I was not happy with their behaviour. Then I will give them a cuddle and say okay let's go and play. Expect the time it takes them to calm down to be long at first. If they are not ready to calm down, wait a bit longer before asking them again.

At busy times like when you cooking, tell your dd what is going to happen and give her a choice of something to do. Something like, mummy is going to cook the dinner now , do you want to play here with your sister or sit in your high chair and look at a book. If she has a tantrum do as above then give her the choice again. She is still very young so she will need lots of visual cues when asking her. So show her a toy and a book and ask which one she would like. Do you have a table in your kitchen, could you make it routine that cooking time for you is creative time for your dds? Drawing, glue sticks, playdoh etc... If there is me space for a table, can they even sit on the floor on a mat maybe.

Lastly can you change your pram around so your dd can see your face when you're out. This might lessen her need to be carried. You might have to engage her in lots of talking, singing and pointing things out for a while so she feels like she has your full attention.

Sorry for the long post, but hope it helps. Don't expect things to get better overnight but the more consistent you are the quicker you will see results.