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Problems when my daughter comes home after a weekend with her dad

(16 Posts)
loganberry12 Thu 06-Oct-16 21:32:17

My little girl is 7 my ex & I have been separated for 4 years she goes to his every Saturday & he brings her home Sunday evenings. The problem is there are no rules with him & she does pretty much as she likes usually comes home with loads of goodies toys etc. When she comes home on a Sunday it takes about 40 minutes to get her to come in she cries & screams runs off hits out at me says she doesn't like me & wants her dad is very disrespectful & rude. When I finally get her indoors she calms down after about half hour & is fine for the rest of the week until she goes back to her dad's the following weekend. I've tried to discuss this with him to think of some kind of solution to help her from being so upset but he doesn't seem to know what to do either he only has her 24 hours so doesn't really care how distressing this is for both my daughter & I , I really am at my wits end & don't know how to solve this

loganberry12 Fri 07-Oct-16 03:04:44

Also I forgot to add he lets her have a dummy at his which she always asked to let her keep on a Sunday when he brings her home of course I say no she's far to old for a dummy & she kicks off saying I'm mean & don't care about her

captainproton Fri 07-Oct-16 03:31:50

Unfortunately you can't dictate how he chooses to parent his daughter when she is with him. I don't think what you are describing is particularly uncommon either.

Every weekend seems like hard work though, is there a reason why contact is like this? We have DSS from Friday evening from school until moNday morning going to school every other week. This allows mum and dad to both enjoy weekends with their child. Also 3 nights in a row allows for a bit more normality at ours, DSS feels more like a family member rather than a fleeting visitor.

Your daughter is being babied by her dad, he sounds very much like a Disney dad. Change must come from his quarter, criticising him will make him worse. I don't think there is an easy answer to solve this.

Msqueen33 Fri 07-Oct-16 03:52:19

Oh god what a nightmare! And he lets a 7 year old have a dummy?! What the actual fuck?! I have two with Sen and I took the youngest's dummy off of her.

Is he reasonable? Could you explain the need for consistent boundaries (I also have an nt seven year old)?

loganberry12 Fri 07-Oct-16 09:25:10

I'm going to have to have a word with him although he's not the easiest person to reason with

Msqueen33 Fri 07-Oct-16 09:47:10

Why do men become even more arsehole like when you split up? He needs to think about your daughter and what he's teaching her.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Fri 07-Oct-16 09:50:34

Maybe take away all her big girl priveliges when she gets home? No TV no technology etc. Explain that being 7 has more advantages than being a baby with a dummy!

JinkxMonsoon Fri 07-Oct-16 10:02:15

Classic permissive Disney dad angry

No advice, but it's very very common.

loganberry12 Fri 07-Oct-16 10:38:14

Mybeard, taking away alll her pivelages would make her not want to come home even more on a Sunday don't think that's a good idea

fuzzywuzzy Fri 07-Oct-16 10:44:15

Can you switch contact to every other weekend, but as a pp suggested over Saturday, Sunday and Monday so he has to do practical stuff like get her ready for school on Monday.

That way your DD knows what's expected of her at school and won't kick off there, then you pick her up from school as normal and also your ex will have more time with your dd and hopefully parent her. It's not so easy being Disney dad when you have to do practical day to day parenting.

Once a weekend and he won't change.

loganberry12 Fri 07-Oct-16 11:06:56

He will only have her Saturday evening till Sunday evening as he works early hours I've asked him to have her on a Sunday before & take her to school but he says he can't as he lives with his elderly mother who has dermenture & would be too much for him!!

loganberry12 Sun 09-Oct-16 10:00:09

Had a word with him gave him a star chart so he can continue good behaviour at his hopefully he'll work with me

Natsku Sun 09-Oct-16 10:02:56

Hope he works with you. Had similar issues with DD every time she came back from her dad's, drove me nuts.

PrincessHairyMclary Sun 09-Oct-16 10:13:35

All children have trouble at handover it's hard for them. It doesn't matter how long the arrangement has been going on for. I remember sleeping at my Nan and Aunts overnight when I was that age and being a pain when I got home it's tough having to follow different rules.

He probably lets her have the dummy to calm her, she is probably on her best behaviour at his like children are when they go to a friends house and then let it out when she gets home. She lashes out at you as she knows you are her constant.

When DD was little and she came home mid day I'd have a transition activity set up waiting for her play doh, cutting an sticking or running around the garden to help with it and she'd do that. Now I have a nice bubbly bath waiting for her when she gets in on a Sunday evening and make sure we have a routine with some time to play together before bed read a story and give her time to decompress.

What time does she get home? I don't mind DD being out till 6pm on a weeknight but on a Sunday it's 5pm as she'll have been up late the night before with him an I know it takes a while to settle her.

loganberry12 Sun 09-Oct-16 12:02:31

Another problem is he doesn't bring her home till 8.30-9 on a Sunday I've asked him several times to bring her home by 7 at the latest as she has school on a Monday but he ignores me it's very frustrating

PrincessHairyMclary Sun 09-Oct-16 16:30:23

That's far too late for a 7 year old so her behaviour is probably just as much being over tired and emotional than anything else.

Have you got a contact order? If not just say she's only available every other weekend if he can't bring her home at a reasonable time as the late weekends are affecting her school work (which I bet they are)

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