I just want to wrap my little boy up and cuddle him close and keep the rest of the world away from him.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

He is 7. He has speech issues, toilet issues, learning issues, behaviour issues. He is undergoing assessment for ADHD and autism and waiting to be seen by a paediatrician for his toilet issues.

His life since he started school has been just crap. We have social services involvement. He has moved to a different class and was doing well and now a new school year has meant a new teacher and it seems to be going backwards. It now appears he is being bullied by two children in his class for his speech and being slower in class (telling him he can't count) my older DS (11) witnessed this and told me. He was also randomly mocked on Friday morning for his speech as he stepped out our front door with his brother by a child who knows older DS but didn't know DS2. For no reason just mimicked his speech after DS said something. I'll be seeing the head teacher tomorrow about this.

His Dad has no interest in helping with any of this and has been punishing him for the toilet accidents. I've spoken to him about this dozens of times and each time he says he'll stop doing it but then DS goes to stay and says dad or dad's wife punished him or shouted. Today he came home and told me that dad's wife said he needs a slap and sent to bed (for having an accident). I'm due to see the social worker again this week and will be bringing this up. But really I just want to tell the world to fuck off and leave him alone. He is 7. He didn't ask for any of this. His body is doing things he has no control over and he is being made to feel like shite for it. I'm not asking for advice I just need to vent this as its breaking my heart to watch what it's doing to him. Why are people such bastards?

[TheUnseenAcademic]

I'm so sorry. I've no experience of this but just wanted to say thank goodness your lovely boy has such a great Mum. Keep fighting on his behalf, especially with the school. I hope your meeting with the Head goes well.

[Barbadosgirl]

I have nothing useful for you as I have no experience but I wanted you to have these so you know you are not alone.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Thank you both. I am in tears right now and trying to hide it as we are cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. He is the sweetest boy in the world and just wants to please people but he gets so confused by different people's rules which makes him "disobedient". he isn't, he's just trying really hard to make sense of the world.

[daisydalrymple]

I think your son is a lucky boy to have you as his mum.

Is stopping over night stays an option if his dad and partner can't help / support him?

It all sounds such an uphill battle for you right now, I hope you have some support for yourself too. I really hope in a few months time things have settled down and you're able to look back at this time and think it was tricky, but you got through it and got what you need for your son. and

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Yes I think stopping the overnights is necessary for the time being. DS says On and off that he doesn't want to go and usually I tell him it's ok because I spoke to his dad about not punishing him so he goes but clearly it's not OK as dad isn't taking a blind bit of notice.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

Bless you and your little boy

Sorry no advice but I agree, people are bastards. My DS is 7 months and I already dread him going into the big bad world and facing what nastiness there is out there

Luckily your DS has a supportive mummy and you will clearly fight for him when he is unable to!

[moodykingfisher]

I used to want to go and live on a desert island with my kids, I wanted to protect them from all the shit. I'm sorry you are going through this, as PP said, he is lucky to have you.

[NoMoreParades]

Oh love, this is so sad :(
My DS is 5 and has many of the same issues yours does, I understand completely about wanting to keep him safe and away from the cruel outside world.
Does your DS understand when someone is being mean to him? Is he generally happy? i'm lucky in that mine doesn't yet have any understanding of this, he's oblivious and in his own little world. There will come a day though that this will change, and I don't know how we'll cope with that.
We can't stop people being idiots, but I guess we can equip our boys with buckets resilience and self esteem so the comments wash over them. This is my strategy.
What you say about his time at his dad's house is not on though, it really doesn't sound good. Would you consider reducing contact until the situation improves or you have a firm diagnosis? I got several professionals involved with my son to speak seriously with my exp because we had a somewhat similar situation. Only once they'd really laid it on the line for him did it actually sink in

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Yes he does understand. He knows he has issues other children don't have. He has had speech therapy, behavioural therapy, reading support, been on a behavioural record book in school, he is very aware of being on the P1 reading books (he is p4) and that his class work is not what the others are doing. He knows he is different and hates it. He knows why they are teasing him and it really upsets him. His childminder collected him on Friday and said he was so down he was almost in tears as he walked towards her. He says his teacher shouts so he doesn't tell her when the boys pick on him.

The social worker agrees with me WRT to the punishments and last I spoke to her she was going to speak to Exp but that was a couple of weeks ago and I haven't spoken to her since so I don't know if that has happened yet. she will not be impressed to hear what happened this weekend.

[Mynd]

This sounds so hard for you both. Personally, I'd stop the overnights with the father. As a kid who took a very long time to stop bedwetting (14), and who therefore was on the receiving end of violence and abuse from my mother, it really hits a chord. I also had a stammer and was considered thick because I couldn't say the answers to questions in school. Could I suggest finding something he can enjoy and excel at? Forest school is an amazing resource if you have one in your area. Camp fires, den building etc. It's a real boost when you can build a house and make a fire! Where are you based?

[JenLindleyShitMom]

We are in NI. Forest school is something he would love! He lives to be outside building and making. Unfortunately we don't have any local to us. He does go to scouts though which he loves and also he does a couple of other sports which burn off a lot of his energy. When he can't be outside he will usually be building his Lego or making something with loads of cardboard or glue. He even asks me for jobs to do. He likes being busy. I've been considering homeschooling him since the start of this year but was talked out of it by the head teacher and tried the new class instead. It seemed to work very well, different teacher with a different approach and he really progressed, got some self esteem back and was happy coming out of school. Now he seems to be going backwards and I see the old behaviours resurfacing. I had it in my head to give until the Halloween break and see how he was doing but I don't know if that's too long. Maybe I just need to take him out now.

[Mynd]

Maybe he could join a local youth theatre, helping make the props etc? Or maybe you have a city farm or allotment group, where kids can plant and grow veggies? I was homeschooled. Personally found it horribly isolating but this was 30 years ago and there are certainly better resources now.

[FreddoFrog]

Oh OP, so sorry to hear all of this. Good luck with the assessment, my DS also has ADHD and getting his diagnosis and then medication has made a world of difference.

What is the SEN situation like in your son's school? I imagine he would be struggling in a mainstream set up. I apologise, I am not familiar with the education system in NI.

I also suggest limiting visiting to his Dad's as much as you can. Your son needs so much support to build up his self-esteem - sounds like Dad is doing the exact opposite.

All the very best. Lots of positive encouragement for your boy (and you!).

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

I don't really know what to say because I'd like to make it all better for you and your lovely DS. We're having similar issues so if you take one thing from my post, it's that there are lots of people out there who do really understand and care.
We've found our DS a different school to attend from February (Aus school year) because, despite all the talk, his current school just don't implement the things they say they will, follow up on anything, or deal with any of the bullying until it all gets so bad that my DH goes in for a meeting. 'Cos Dads are obviously to be taken seriously while Mums are just hysterical.
Is there any kind of advocacy group that could help you and DS? We've just been linked to an ASD group and DS's case manager is lovely and scary as fuck. I'm pretty sure she's going to help us a lot when it comes to accessing the support he is entitled to. Ask on the SN board if anyone can help you find something similar in NI.

[scarednoob]

I have nothing useful to say but just wanted to add that you sound absolutely amazing and thank goodness he has you to fight for him and

[WinchesterWoman]

Can you keep him home? xxx for your lad

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Thanks everyone. I went to speak to the head today at pick up but DS begged me not to. He said the boys are his friends again and didn't pick on him today. I told him ok but actually I will speak to her anyway, I just couldn't do it with him there as he was getting upset. I'm working all day tomorrow but will see if I can have a chat with her on the phone during my lunch break.

I could keep him home, it would mean leaving my job and finding something from home but if I need to I will. I'm just so torn. He had a good day today and I know if I asked him he wouldn't want to leave school but on other days he is in tears because the teacher went too fast and he got none of his spelling test words right and says he hates school and wants to leave. I just don't know what's the right thing.

[WinchesterWoman]

Maybe as a start you could investigate your local Home School network and try to meet a couple of people. You could come away with a really positive feeling. They do meet ups and joint events often.

It's ok if he wants to be home with you. There's something lovely about knowing you're doing the right thing for your child despite societal expectations. There's nothing wrong with not fitting into a big, often rough, environment. A year of being with you could give him the confidence to venture more and more into the world. Plus he'd get one on one teaching from a brilliant mother! What more could you ask for

[JenLindleyShitMom]

I have been a member of our local home education group since Easter time when I initially wanted to take him out. I met with a local HE parent and we are still in touch. There isn't a massive amount locally with regards to HE but there is a community and the group is very helpful any time I've asked for advice. It's just such a big decision, especially when he has already been through a fair bit. I don't want to do this and for it to be a mistake and mess him up even more.

[WinchesterWoman]

I quite understand and you sound amazingly in touch with what he could need. All the best to you both x

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Thanks winchester.

[May09Bump]

Whilst totally unacceptable, I think the yr 3 boys at our school have started calling names, testing their strength against each other, etc. Could this be an adjustment phase for the year? I don't say this lightly as I have been into school this week as my 7 year old has been targeted by some boys, so know what you are feeling (my boy has facial birthmark). The school is great and spoke to the boys, notified the teachers and play supervsiors.

He came home today and is now playing with them (hits head against the table). Maybe speak to the school and give it a bit more time, monitering how your DS is feeling, etc. Homeschooling is an option we explored, but have found schooling has helped with his social issues. It depends on how the school deals with situations and how stressed your DS is whilst assessments are put in place.

I would stop contact with Dad over the bedwetting - how hot is he on contact? Would he pursue it or could you move it to a contact centre? I would also be worried about the slap comment. Poor lad - can totally understand why you feel like retreating from the world.

Have a movie night, popcorn, cuddle under a duvet and shut the curtains - a little retreat for now.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

may you are probably right wrt the boys. Added to the fact DS only joined this class after Easter he is still trying to break into long formed friendship groups. Some of them have been together since nursery school and he is still the new boy.

I definitely will be giving the school a chance to deal with it. As hard as that is.

Agree about stopping the contact with dad. If DS wants to go and visit i think maybe just a few hours and then home again. he only has them one night EOW and can be flakey even then. The DCs have both decided at various points in the past not to see him and he pretty much just disappears until the DC get in touch with him again. He didn't talk to DS1 for 4 months earlier this year.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to give you a hug comradely punch in the shoulder as the parent of a dc with ASD who has bad times that make me cry whilst being outwardly upbeat.
Why can't the world be nicer?

[May09Bump]

It's hard being the new boy - maybe try to engineer some opportunities to play 1-1 with classmates. It's a hard slog but has helped our DS. It is gutting to send them day after day to school. I also agree with other posters about going to groups outside of school to build confidence.

Let contact drift with Dad if he is lax anyway, his behaviour is harming - keep DS busy, maybe plan a new activity for his usual contact night so he doesn't focus to much on it.

Hope things improve and look at support groups for DS's various issues - maybe another source for friendships too, for you and him. Best of luck!