feel so disconnected from my eldest child

[laureno]

I'm hoping someone can help me or give me some advice I'm cutting myself up with guilt worry and so stressed

I'm a lone parent I have to children a one year old and 3 and half year old , when I had my son a year ago my eldest was fine she was so engaged and helping then the jealousy set in and she stated to play up which is normal however her behaviour is now out of control she started school nursery and was fine up until the summer holidays and now I feel so disconnected from her and like a total failure as a mom.

Cutting long story short I have changed her school therefore she doesn't go back until end of Sept but her behaviour is terrible she has a total attitude way she talks to me she won't do anything I say and seems to want to battle about everything she won't engage in actives or play with toys she just on the go twenty for seven causing can age I feel like a terrible mum as I have got to the point were all I seem to do is shout I have tried to be calm tried using time out taking off things she enjoys reward charts and I simply don't no what else to do she just pushing me to my limit I have spent night after night crying as I just can't even be around her at moment as soon as I try to do something with her brother she will in trust or other way round if I tyro do something with her both children are very demanding I've never been a stay at home mum so it's all new to me I don't have money to do things I used to when I just had my eldest I feel we have no fun times anymore no me and her time it's just constant battle and people looking at her like a spoilt brat which I no she is not she is a lively little girl but I don't no what is going on with her behaviour or her I'm so down and don't no what to physically do I have no support maybe once a week parents help and I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't reconnected with her and get bond back I cannot deal with the behaviour I was hoping when she goes back to school routine will help again but if anyone has any tips I would love to here them I spoke to health visitor and they sent nursery nurse out and did not work at all its like she hates me at the moment she will say she doesn't want to live here don't like me and it's tearing me apart I just want to be a good mum and get my little girl back

[Ellieboolou27]

I am in the same position, I also had a nursery nurse sent out after I called my health visitor as was (still am) at my wits end, my eldest has just turned 4 and youngest was one last week.
I actually came on mn just now to post about me not actually liking my dd at the moment , after reading you are going through the same sort of situation I feel less guilty.

I do try and praise the good, have read various "recommended" books but no major improvements

[Ferguson]

This is very sad and difficult for you all.

You cannot MAKE children into being a different person from what they are. But I always believe that all a baby or child really wants is to be loved, looked after and to feel safe and valued.

If bad things have happened in their short lives that have caused them to feel maybe they AREN'T loved or valued in the way they want (even though really they are), they don't know how to express their fears or anxiety, and consequently this shows up as bad behaviour, and 'conflict' against the person they perceive as the cause of their distress.

You cannot MAKE them behave or conform, but if you can remove strict or petty rules, and give only praise and reassurance, this MAY take some of the 'heat' out of an on-going conflict. It may not be satisfying for adults around the child, who may feel the child has 'won', but it may make the life more tolerable, and hopefully in due course things may improve.