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Behaviour/development

my wild child is getting me down!

9 replies

ohmylife · 01/02/2007 22:26

DD is nearly 5 and is driving me to drink! She's always been hard work (on the plus side she's very bright and articulate and always, so far, lovely at school) but I think at home she's the worst she's ever been. When things don't go her way she's been shouting at me and hitting me, kicking me even. Tonight she whacked my husband round the face.
I am ashamed to admit she has been smacked in the past, but only as a last resort in extreme situations and not for a long time, so it's not like she sees hitting as behaviour that's acceptable at home. DH is never violent towards me. She's got a real vicious streak, often making DS cry by pinching him, hitting him, whatever hurts. She'll say 'do you think that hurt him?' and if she doesn't think it did, she does it again until it does.
Naughty corners, chairs, etc, haven't worked because she won't stay there. Putting her in her room or somewhere for timeout doesn't work because she tries to kick the door down. If it was just words I could ignore it, but how can I ignore her kicking me in the shins. I try to avoid all known flashpoints but then something different sets her off.
Any ideas? I feel like she'll be torturing kittens next or something! I feel it must be something I've done? I can only think that she shouts because I shout - but I don't as a rule (only when desperate).
It seems to have just happened over the last month.

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HuwEdwards · 01/02/2007 22:31

Blimey!

I think I would be concerned too. I honestly think I would faint if either of my DDs struck me or DP in a real attempt to hurt us - and like you, I've very occasionally given both mine the very rare smack.

I think I would try a withdrawal of any nice things as a start - parties, park, friends round - and I really would stick to it.

I would also curb tv or withdarw anything she loves to play with until I saw a real improvement in her behaviour.

BTW I really think she's far too old for naughty steps etc.. you need to talk to her and reason with her as a young child, not a toddler

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ohmylife · 01/02/2007 22:39

Yes, know she's too old for naughty steps etc, I was referring to what I'd tried in the past, before she started school, but in recent months we haven't had any real problems so haven't needed any particular tactics!
I often unplug the TV but then there's a million toys to play with. Withdraw the current favourite and she finds something else. I must admit I am guilty of threatening she can't do something or go somewhere but we always end up going because the rest of the family want to go (or need to go for sanity!).
She got a Headteacher's Award sticker for excellent work this week. If only they knew!

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imaginaryfriend · 01/02/2007 22:51

Has she started school fairly recently? My dd is 4.5 and has just started full time school since Christmas and she seems a lot angrier at home than she used to be. She also behaves impeccably at school. I'm wondering if she's putting in so much effort at school that she's exhausted and so desperate for attention to let off steam that her behaviour at home is deteriorating. However she's not doing anything so physically vicious as your dd, it's more ridiculous rages and name-calling from mine which is very uncharacteristic as she's always previously been a sweetie. what was your dd like before this month?

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ohmylife · 02/02/2007 10:08

She started full-time in September. She's always been, well one day I would call it spirited, the next, bloody difficult. She seems very bright (and I don't mean that just in a proud mum way). She's steaming ahead with her reading and sums (and I'm not pushing her at all).
I've always thought you should ignore bad behaviour and it will go away because if it doesn't get any attention there's no point in doing it. Then big praise for good behaviour. But I can't ignore her being violent. My sister suggested a jar of marbles somewhere high up where they can see them - one for each child - a marble goes in for good behaviour and then when it's full they get a special treat. Worth a try?

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HuwEdwards · 02/02/2007 10:21

H OML - ok, sorry about comments re: naughty step. The marbles thing sounds very much like the pasta in a jar method that is praised on here, so def worth a try - good luck!

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saffymum · 02/02/2007 10:28

OML try and find out what is going on at school, is someone there demonstrating this behaviour? Is she acting out what someone else is doing in the classroom or to her? I don't think you have done wrong with a smack or too, don't worry about that. Maybe she is frustrated by the pressue of the work and maybe she is trying to get your attention? What about a special mums and daughters only treat on a Friday night? A good film and popcorn or a trip somewhere special so you can enjoy each other's company and show her she is special? good luck

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inoz · 02/02/2007 10:33

I have a "challenging" child too, although not physically violent, I admit, but I feel for you. I recently read a book called "The New Strong Willed Child" by Dr James Dobson ("New" because it is a updated version of a book written years ago) I personally found very helpful in dealing with my dd who is 4. I will tell you in advance - and it may put you off reading it - that it is American, overtly Christian, and does advocate the use of smacks for children when all else fails, but it also contains a lot of encouragement to love your child through all circumstances and to be strong in your self-belief that you are doing what is best for your child whatever they may think. It deals with ages toddler through to teenager. It might help you too.....

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dejags · 02/02/2007 10:39

What about the supernanny's box of toys technique.

basically you sort through all her toys. take all but 10 special toys and put them in storage.

everytime she does something that is classified as "unacceptable behaviour" she gets a warning, then if she persists she gets one of her toys confiscated.

Not sure if I have this entirely correct as I have never used it myself. Just seems to work on the tele for the older child who will not stay put on the naughty step/timeout room etc.

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ohmylife · 03/02/2007 20:11

Thank you for all your helpful posts! We've had a fairly calm 24 hrs, putting cotton wool balls into a pasta jar. There are two jars on a high shelf in the kitchen, one for DS (only just 2 so it's just pretend really!), one for DD. Thought she'd want to play with marbles or something. Think it will take a week of good behaviour to fill it so perhaps a treat next weekend. She hasn't been angelic and she did try to lash out at me once but I remained calm, held her wrists, and reminded her of the treat to come if the jar was filled. She just stopped in her tracks and said 'ok then!'. She's been quite proud of the fact DS didn't get one because he threw his tea on the floor etc!
So fingers crossed, not the end of the matter by any means but small positive steps.
Happy weekend to all!
xxxx
PS on problem page in the Times today, same sort of problem with older child but estranged father. she suggested similar solution.

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