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Need help with 12 year old

(3 Posts)
imwornout Thu 25-Aug-16 14:12:44

Hi, this will probably be really long so I'll try and keep it as simple as possible!

DS is 12. He's my eldest, I also have a 7 year old boy and I'm married. DH and I met when DS1 was almost 2. Moved in together a year later and married when DS was 4.

DS has contact with his Dad every other weekend. He has a younger brother and sister ( aged 8&5) and a step brother aged 11. His Dad is married.

DS has always had an issue with being told off/told what to do. He can't cope with it, and particularly can't cope with any consequences of his actions ( so believes he should get away with everything). It's always been difficult but when he was little we would be able to deal with it better ie if he'd done wrong and was refusing to go to his room to calm down etc we would have to carry him. Obviously we can't do that now!

Punishments now would include confiscation of phone/PlayStation, however this would make the matter worse as DS would kick off that we've punished him making the situation spiral out of control.

DS1 now has an issue that he believes we love DS2 more, as he doesn't get punished anywhere near as much. He does get punished if he does wrong however the difference is that he accepts his punishment, will go to his room when told ( sometimes may try and resist but it's usually sort lived), will calm down, apologise and that will be the end of it. This makes DS1 angry as he'll end up with a bigger punishment and in his eyes that's not fair.

If you try and talk to him he talks about hatred, how everyone hates him, how everyone prefers other children etc. Couldn't be further from the truth.

DS1 is adored. DH has always been great with him, treats him as much as his son as DS2 ( because they are both his sons!) but DS1 particularly shows an anger towards DH and uses some very strong hateful language towards him sad. DH is feeling really down about it all

We're currently on holiday and DS1 has kicked off this morning ( asked to put his shoes on, but wouldn't as he was angry that he'd been told off) so we've both missed out on a day out as DH and DS2 have gone alone. I've now spent this last 3 hours with DS being very angry at me, as its my fault that I've missed out.

He's said some really awful things and been in tears. I want to go home, this is the third year in a row that holidays have been like this. We were desperate for this holiday, DS2 is currently going through chemo and it's been really tough for us all. DS1 was away with his dad last week and had a few days with my parents earlier in the hols and I'll be honest but I feel really resentful that he couldn't control his behaviour on our one and only holiday sad

DS1 is an angel at school, very helpful, would never answer back to teachers, does as he's asked etc.

I honestly don't know what to do but we can't carry on like this

VioletBam Fri 26-Aug-16 01:46:11

What do you mean by "kicked off"?

I think it seems like very harsh thing to do...make him miss a day out.

They're hormonal at this age and do and say terrible things...they need you more than ever at this age.

My DD is 12 and at times she's AWFUL. They're going through a lot....I'm currently killing it with kindness. Just showering her with love and affection and it seems to be working.

imwornout Fri 26-Aug-16 08:48:16

Hi violet, we didn't stop him from going, we were set to go and he refused to put his shoes on ( in protest as he'd been told off - it was nothing major- just asked to stop doing something) so DH and DS2 went in the end. DS2 then announced about 30 mins later that he was now ready to go and it was too late so spent 3 hours blaming everyone apart from himself.

I'd love to blame his age- it could make him worse at the moment- but we've been battling this sort of behaviour for a very very long time sad

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