Alternatives to shouting! Please, share the ways of the zen!(12 Posts)
I'm struggling with depression (but that's not a new thing) and I seem to have got into a pattern of speaking to the DC nicely & politely, repeating myself in different tones, actually touching them to get their attention then repeating my requests again. This works 30% of the time.
The rest of the time I do all of the above, it doesn't work then I shout the request very loudly because I am so very cross then they follow said request. Straight away.
It's exhausting me & we all know the guilt at the end of the day when they are fluffy in their pjs, cuddled up for a their book and you've been a shouty, cross mummy all day. I love them so much and they're not bad kids. It's bringing me lower and lower the more it goes on.
I will be completely honest with suggestions & or questions but please don't shame me for shouting & telling me how harmful it is to my DC's small brains, I already said I feel terrible and I'm fragile.
We all do it. Some days more than others. I found the book 'how to talk so kids listen' quite helpfull. It's quite often recommended on here. Takes a bit of energy to be constantly on it though so I still occasionally resort to a shout here and there but nowhere near as often. Nobody is perfect.
I know that guilt feeling too.
Gosh op, parenting and depression is such a double whammy of challenges. How old are your dc?
We all have shit shouty days, don't worry
My husband can be if the 'broken record' school of patenting sometimes. I don't know if you are the same, you mention repeating yourself which is why I'm explaining this.
He will give a request, then will just keep on repeating it even when it is clear the children are not actively listening to him. It is like he's spoiling for a reason to be cross at them "I HAVE REPEATED MYSELF TWELVE TIMES NOW, YOU ARE IN TROUBLE FOR NOT LISTENING TO ME AS WELL AS THE "THING" NOW" (you get the idea)
I try to stop him on the third or do repeat. He doesn't realise that he needs to ask in a different way, rather than just repeating like a broken record.
I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate having to ask a third time. I'd ask normally. Then I'd stop activity (switch to off for example), pause, check I have full attention and repeat the request with consequences - "I've just asked you to X and was ignored. The tv stays off until you gave done it. If you don't do it right now then you can spend half an hour in your room and the task will be waiting for you when you come out"
Our kids know that Dad just repeats stuff over and over again without actually having any expectation that he will be listened to.
They know I mean business. I am quite strict.
agree, maybe they are used to you giving N chances and wait until you shout to do anything (my DD1 is like this). You could try incentives - star sticker if they do key things on first request, or stick - if you have to ask them to get dressed more than 2x they get a warning, and if you have to ask another time, they lose 5 mins of screentime or something. Consistency - nothing ever works that well every time but overtime these things result in better behaviour. The end of the day is always my flashpoint, when they just won't get ready for bed and I'm desperate for a rest.
They're 5 & 7 but my eldest has AS - I know he sometimes has to take time to process so I give it, usually 10 seconds but I never know if he's processing or didn't hear me OR is actively ignoring me.
I'm not a single parent but DH works away in the week.
I have a friends child here today who also doesn't listen. Other people's children are so much more annoying that your own...
I had that book!!!! Just been through all the bookcases & it's not there. It'll be one of many really useful books that I have lent out & never got back.
Yes, bedtime is a pain but it's all day, non stop not restricted to one time in a day.
7yo DS has ASD and I feel your pain. We only have him, and DH is very hands on, but it is still very hard going sometimes.
Heading out now but will check back later to see if I can suggest anything helpful.
I found it!!!!! It was DH's side, bless him.
Hey op. A fellow mum to a dc with AS and a fab husband who works away during the week.
I'm probably more stroppy than normal during holidays but has been very interesting hearing just how shouty all my neighbours are. Spent several afternoons sipping beer under the parasol and thinking 'you've given him 10 chances, he's not stopping it because he knows you don't mean what you say!'
God, my neighbours must hear everything. She does sometimes say to DC 'has your mummy been shouting at you again?'
I would love her to hear all the quiet sweet mummy things that go on but obviously she only hears the loud stuff not the 20 times I've previous said it.
Yes, I must follow through with my threats. Then I'll feel more guilty
Gosh no, didn't mean it like that. Just that I sometimes feel like the banshee-ist parent about but the summer holiday has made me remember that we're all doing the best we can at the time.
As for threats, make them small and maintainable such as coming off the trampoline for 5 minutes. Make it logical to what's happening. If one is being rough with the other dc during a game then make them sit out for 5 mins. Huge threats don't work so well as children's sense of time and the future are less developed so it's harder for them to imagine not having the iPad for week for example, whereas not having it for 5 mins is something they can comprehend. And obviously give them a chance.
You don't need to shout. Calmly ask them to stop with a basic explanation of why. Wait a few seconds. Remind them calmly again that if they don't stop the thing you're asking them to then such and such will happen (a logical a small consequence such as sitting out of the game for a while). Then if they don't stop you carry out the consequence. No shouting needed. Believe me, it won't take too many rounds of this before they realise that your calm voice means business!
But bear in mind we're all human and while the above is the ideal we all mess it up frequently,
I knew how you meant it and I wish I heard my neighbours shouting but I don't unfortunately.
Right, yes I will invent some small consequences and see how it goes. Normal voice.
Thank you x
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