How to deal with children in POLITE COMPANY??

[noonar]

my gran , who is a very with it and well to do 89 yo, just came over for a sunday roast. i ended up losing it with dd1, who's nearly 5, as she was being very hyper and silly and ignoring gran's questions. i was so embarassed. i took her upstairs and went ballistic.

she started behaving herself so was allowed down for dinner to eat with us all. then i had the issue of using a knife and fork properly, wandering off from the table , helping herself to seconds......dd2, who is 2.5 showed us that she was eating her sprouts by opening her full mouth wide open!

now i know i shouldnt expect my dds to understand that they have to adapt their behaviour for great gran, but i 'm so aware of their table manners etc when she's around. i know i should try to relax, but my gran is quite uptight- i guess it 's a generation thing in some ways. she has always been a big part of my life, and i dont want her to think my girls have no manners. the trouble is, dh and i are usually quite relaxed, so its hard to strike a balance between what's ok at home, and at a restaurant, for example.


anyone faced similar issues/ got tips on how to deal with it?

[brimfull]

My father makes me feel like this,he expects impecible table manners no matter how young the child is.Ds4yrs challenges this somewhat.I joke with my father that that's why he never ate with his parents until he was old enough to behave himself,he ate with his nanny.
Things have moved on somewhat and I'm sure your gran realises that,I'd just make a joke about it and work on the manners at home ,children won't beable to chop and change their behaviour to suit the company .

[shosha]

Message withdrawn

[brimfull]

impeccable

[noonar]

thanks to both. do you ever feel that your embarassment makes you react more crossly? i feel bad now.

did children in the 30's, 40's 50's 60's ...REALLY behave better and have better manners dyou think? or was it all about discipline through fear?

[tigermoth]

Oh, that's a difficult one. Any good talking to your nan about your dds' table manners?

You say you get on with her and she has always been a big part of your lives. Perhaps you can appeal to her good nature. You could bee honest with her about your worries over your dds' liveliness when she visits, say you hope she is not too upset by them and you are working on their table manners, but know miracles don't happen overnight, but could she bear with you for now etc etc. If you think it would be useful, you could ask her for tips, but that might not be so good if you don't want to follow the tip she gives you.

You never know, behind that posh exterior might lurk a schoolgirl from long ago who loved food fights in the dorm!

[brimfull]

I think children were whacked a lot and fear was definately a factor!

[noonar]

thanks, tigermoth. i do joke about it with her, but i think she has quite different ideas about discipline. not exacly a victorian approach, but she's certainly quite into discipline. having said that, she has complimented me on how i talk to the girls/ explain things to them . so maybe she's not as judgemntal as i think.

one family memory, which may give a clue about what she was like when i was growing up, is about xmas day. we'd all have to stop and listen to the queen's speech and stand up for 'god save the queen'. my brothers and i nearly pissed ourselves laughing, but she took it SO seriously!

[NannyL]

i dont think you can exepct young children to behanve differently at the table depending on who is there

Im always strcik in basic table manners

they sit at and stay at the table until th meal is over
They sit on their bottom on the chair
no Toys at the table (even when i started the youngest was 12 months)
they use their knife / fork / spoon to eat (little one is now 17 months and is good at that 90% of the time) (i dont care if they balance something on a knife or use a spoon rather than a fork.... those manners can be refined a little later)
when they have finised they put their knife and fork (and spoon) 'in a line' on the side of their plate (again i dont care about the order)
No TV etc
they eat nicely ie no putting in ENORMOUSE bits of fodd that dont fit in their mouth
obviously no shouting!

By following the above rules all the time at all meals it means that i can take 3 year old pretty much anywhere to eat and know they will not be 'embarassing'!

I regularly took my old charges (then aged 4 and 5) out for dinner in restaurants, and im hoping that in another year or so my currently 4 and 1 year old will be able to do the same!

[eviletc]

i'm with NannyL's rules. but if they finish their meal before everybody else then they can ask politely if they can get down. unless there is another course in which case they do have to wait.

i have a similar situation with older rellies and young children but your gran sounds ok if she copmliments you on your child rearing skills! just make it clear to anyone you are embarrassed in front of that it is an ongoing process and i'm sure they will be fine

[MejustMe]

Hi Noonar,

I just what to point out one little thing here which is going to confuse you dd's....

i dont want her to think my girls have no manners. the trouble is, dh and i are usually quite relaxed, so its hard to strike a balance between what's ok at home, and at a restaurant, for example

on the one hand you are relaxed about your girls table manners and then Great Gran comes along and you expect them to have impeccable manners and behaviour. I can understand the way you feel, i used to be the same regarding my sons grandmother. But the way I look at it now is if they want to eat properly then fine, but hey they are just children and lets face it we don't all always use correct table manners do we?

For example a restaunt....pizza hut for instance...how many times do we cut the pizza up before eating it with a fork? and how many times do we pick the slice of pizza up and eat it with our hands?
Do we take knives and forks to KFC or McDonalds? No we use our hands....so we are infact totally confusing our children, It is ok if i say it is ok but hey if i say it isn't ok then you will instantly comply to my now changed rules.

If great Gran cannot see that they are just being plain and simply CHILDREN then she needs to relax, I am sure she picks a sandwich up with her hands, opens her mouth when a toffee gets stuck to her dentures etc

As parents we all sometimes expect too much of our children, we expect them to behave perfectly because we have company maybe someone who won't be entirely happy if they mess around. Great Gran comes from an era where children were seen and not heard....guess what...times change, parents have changed and so has society. it is ok for our children to express themselves how they want to as long as they are not being rude and physically harming anyone then what is the actual harm they are doing?

Your girls are still young and have plenty of time to be "perfect" little angels...but who wants that? who would prefer a perfect child who never acted up in company, was seen and not heard, answered everything when they were asked....hell i know i am happier that my DS (8) has his own character and can express himself....Don't get me wrong i am not running you down far from it, I am simply saying stop stressing, the more you do stress the more they will act up.

Good Luck

Me xx

[Jackie2kids]

I agree. I always get stressed when we visit any of my kids granparents as they all have nice houses etc. Last time we went to dad and stepmums, she shrieked at my 3yr old don't touch that its an antique! ( Well for gods sake). I think the biggest problem is that they all live far away so we don't see them regularly and they loose touch with how old the kids are and what can be expected of kids that age (they always expect them to behave 5yrs older than they are, but have the interests of a child much younger than they are, why is that?). I cope by:
Advise relative to child proof house prior to visit (if appropriate). Take toys etc for kids to play with at rels house. Supervise stringently at all times (diverting where necessary). Don't expect much at meals, encourage cild to eat then allow them to go off and play before pudding (meals always take longer at relatives houses and kids get bored = naughty). When people visit us they should understand that this is DCs home and they can behave as usual.
Having said all that In laws came yesterday and DS (3yrs) didnt say goodbye to grandad. When I said "say goodbye to Grandad," DS said "no I don't like him!" So what can you do? J