kids fighting all the time

[Theythinkimworking]

They are driving me demented. They are DSs 3 and 6 and DD 8. When they are getting along they are great and in fairness they can be very good to look out for each other and play games together.... but some days it feels like they are constantly fighting, sniping and shouting at each other. The youngest is very strong willed and screams the place down when things aren't going his way. The middle lad can be very emotional and explodes when provoked and the oldest one is getting a smart arsed attitude straight from the Disney channel and is doling out the snarky put downs at the boys. I'm sure this is probably normal enough, but I find it very hard to deal with.
I don't step in immediately when they row. I usually give it a couple of minutes to see if they can sort it out themselves before I talk to them. I've tried to get them to be more patient with each other, not to tease each other, not react to teasing, take deep breaths and calm down when annoyed, treat each other as they would like to be treated etc. I have on occasion lost it and threatened to lock them in a room together till they learn to get along.... There are time outs and consequences for bad behaviour but the next day its the same thing over again.
We have a nanny for the summer and sometimes I think they are worse when she has them. She is ok but I think she isn't firm enough with them. I sometimes work from home and the bitching and squabbling in the background is driving me crazy. (I don't step in when she is with them unless its an emergency).
Anyone else in the same boat or have any advice for me?

[BITCAT]

Same. I have 4 altogether but my older 2 are OK now they are 17 and 14. But my ds2 and dd2 who are 10 and 13 are always arguing and fighting, they can not be in the same room without fighting. I'm having to separate them for most of the day. If they can not get along them they can not play together. I have sent them to separate corners of the room and made them sit there. I sent my 13 year old to his room because I've noticed he will come down and deliberately provoke the 10 year old.
Your not alone.

[uhoh2016]

My eldest are 9 and 6 constantly bicker fight and torment. No words of wisdom just to say your not alone. Roll on September!

[superme3]

My 3 constantly fight especially DD1 8 and DS1 6 it's so hard listening to them at it constantly.

[bojorojo]

Having watched a programme on the TV recently, this appears to be normal. Personally I would get them all out of the house and engaged in something more exciting. Are there no holiday activities near any of you? They all sound bored.

If children watch Disney all the time, is it any wonder they copy it? Try something a bit more active and put some effort in!

[bojorojo]

OP. If you want a certain standard of behaviour, you cannot contract it out and expect the same standards. Say what you want and mean it. Tell the nanny to get them out of the house and engaged in something interesting!

[Msqueen33]

Yup. Very similar ages. The 3 year old can't talk so screams when she can't join in. 7 and 6 yr old wind each other up. 6 yr old has autism so 7 year old can really wind her up. It can be a nightmare. Big two are really close but can fight a lot especially on the bloody trampoline.

[Theythinkimworking]

Well Bojojoro,
Thanks for your very insightful commentary on my parenting.
And from your keen knowledge of my family situation... where exactly do you feel that I should focus the extra effort to stop my kids from getting bored and fighting?
Please feel free to snap on your judgy pants and tell me if this is enough...
Moved to the countryside so they can have a large garden with hideouts, swings, slides and trampoline..
Work part time, mostly from home so I can spend more time with them.
In our free time despite the horrible weather we go rockpooling, playground, camping, forest walks. We do baking, crafts and board games.
Have regular playdates. And the older two have attended a couple of day camps.. but you know what... feel free to judge, but I think its ok for kids to actually spend some time not being entertained by adults or taking part in organised activity. I also think its ok to watch a bit (not a lot) but a bit of crappy TV sometimes. (Call social services if you think I've gone too far).
And the nanny has a comprehensive hand book and has had training in how they need to be disciplined. Now, unfortunately I have to contract out childcare or I cant work and I need to do that to feed and clothe the aforementioned children.
So, actually I'm a bloody good parent. I put so much effort into my kids I am too tired to wash my face every night. And their Dad (who also takes a day off every week during the holidays to spend with them) is an awesome parent.
And yet... they still get bored, and they still fight ... usually when they are actually playing together.

Why don't you toddle on over to AIBU there and find someone who really wants your opinion. Or better yet... Think about your words before taking pot shots at other mothers from the safety of an anonymous forum.

[ApocalypseSlough]

Sorry OP but bojo is right. I cannot abide squabbling, lots of people zone it out and don't prioritise squashing it. It sounds like you're like me and the nanny is like the 'zoning out people'. Unfortunately it does take a very hands on and holistic approach and working doesn't facilitate that. You obviously are a bloody good parent but that level of managing strife really is a full time job.
From the other side- mine are very old teens and 20s- it's probably not the very best upbringing for life tbh. They had lovely childhoods and I was spared the constant irritant of bickering and strife but they're not fantastic at conflict resolution- they solve problems but often by withdrawing or avoiding them and they were totally unprepared for normal tween young teenage friendship dramas.
maybe ban the Disney crap- it wasn't around when mine were younger but I did notice they copied the sassy talk- and pick some hard lines that will not be crossed for me it was teasing and anything physical which was they never did but yours may be different.

[Tippytoes13]

It's normal, my children can be the same, also best friends some days. I agree with OP, you can't entertain your children all the time, me and my sister were left to our own devices most of the time during school holidays, many years ago, parents just didn't feel the need to constantly entertain their children. I do draw the line at name-calling though, they don't really ever get physical though. Otherwise I let them try and deal with things between each other, I may have to step in sometimes though.