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DD is only shy when I'm with her

(7 Posts)
IveGotCheese Sun 31-Jul-16 15:11:01

2.7 DD clings to me when we are out. She's really shy and will hide her face behind me and refuse to speak to people. When I pick her up from nursery she runs up to me and clings onto me and starts crying as if she's had an awful time even though I will have been watching her playing happily for a while before she realises I'm there. She always has to be sat on me or within touching distance. If we are at a family party, for example, and someone tries to take her away to show her off or even just pick her up she will kick up such a fuss. If I want to go to the toilet or just stand up to rearrange my jeans or something she will throw herself at me and panics that I'm leaving her. She will hide her face if someone dares to smile at her.

When I'm not there she is apparently confident and will chat to everyone, go walking around on her own and at nursery she's outgoing etc. Her dad and his mum always tell me how confident and chatty she is when they take her anywhere and the nursery staff tell me she is.

I don't mollycoddle her or encourage her behaviour and I'm not particularly shy myself. I try and encourage her to talk to people and reassure her etc.

Am I doing something wrong? Why is she only like this with me?

VioletBam Mon 01-Aug-16 00:14:10

She's just letting you know she needs attention when she does that. If she's fine when she's not with you, then I really wouldn't worry.

Be kind, but brisk...give her a quick squeeze and a little bit of comfort once then ignore it.

If she's been fussed over when she does this then she'll see it as a good way to have your undivided attention and gaining attention through this sort of thing is to be discouraged.

I sound really cold...I"m not...quite the opposite! But it's easy to fall into the trap of fussing them too much and then when they're 4 and doing the same thing, it becomes more of a problem.

CodyKing Mon 01-Aug-16 00:20:59

Yes you need to ignore this behaviour - don't give her attention whilst in your lap - don't encourage her to go either - she'll get bored and go when ready

When's she comes out of nursery - just say - oh I've watched you doing X that looked like fun - and don't entertain the crying.

Be brisk - and gloss over and ignore she will grow out of it

KarmaNoMore Mon 01-Aug-16 00:25:22

DS had a phase like this between 3 and 4 The way we sorted it was very simple:

- wants an ice cream, sweets, whatever? Sure he could have it, if he orders it himself.

- if people ask her something, stop answering for her or explaining that she is shy, this only reinforces the behaviour.

- well... This one you may find it difficult but we followed the advice of Stephen Biddulph, where he explains that shyness should be treated like a behavioural problem. So if he refused to say hello to visits, he was sent to the naughty step until he was happy to do it (it took 2-3 times and the problem was sorted)

KarmaNoMore Mon 01-Aug-16 00:27:24

Once he was able to say hello, he was not anxious to continue the conversation.

YouMakeMyDreams Mon 01-Aug-16 00:33:01

Ds1 was a d still is incredibly shy and there is not a hope in hell I'd have punished him for it.
He didn't get pondered too but it would have been cruise to punish him. I did make him go to parties when he'd rather stay at home I did encourage him outside his comfort zone regularly. I never forced him to join in I did talk about how much fun it looke . I didn't cuddle him on my knee but I did make sure he always knew where I was. The rest he did himself. He realised people had more fun than him and joined in one day without really thinking about it.
He's 10 now still very quiet in new company at first but comes round very quickly. His dad told him off for being shy once. For 3 months he panicked about going anywhere "in case he was bad" until I figure out what he meant and reassured him.

KarmaNoMore Mon 01-Aug-16 00:47:29

Yes, but the difference here is that the OP's DD and my son are not shy all the time. DS was pretty sociable while in a different environment. Just clingy with us.

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