5 year old CANNOT take 'no' for an answer(14 Posts)
I mean, I understand they mostly can't at this age but DD just doesn't quit. She just keeps going on and on and on about it til I end up losing my temper
I don't give in to her - she has never worn me down into giving her an ice cream (for example) after I've said no, but she still thinks the day is coming when I might!
Thing is, we have other issues with her behaviour and I can't help but think that if I could fix this then a few other things might get fixed with it.
For example, if she wants to say something she says it. It doesn't matter who is already talking or if she's told to wait. She just keeps talking over the top of you.
We've talked about this a lot and she understands the principle but it doesn't happen when faced with the actual situation.
Bossing her friends about is another issue - which again, seems to me to be linked to a complete inability to wait for anything or let go of an idea.
How can we help her with this?
This is really daft & I am no expert but what hugely helped me as I have one that as soon as the word NO comes out my mouth. Instant tantrum.
Replacing the word no with something else, like now now or I'll have a think about it.
I'm sure someone else can come along with wiser words.
Feel your pain OP
What happens when she keeps nagging? Once she's been told 'no' I would follow a set script e.g.
I've already said no, please don't ask again.
I said no. If you ask again, you'll go to your room.
You've been warned about asking, now go to your room.
Then I'd only allow her out of her room if she stopped discussing it- any further mention and she'd be sent straight back.
I'd combine that with as much positive attention as I could. Every time I noticed she wasn't nagging, I'd comment along the lines of 'This is great, I really enjoy being with you when you're not asking for something.'
I also really recommend the book Calmer Happier Easier Parenting I got it through a MN giveaway years ago and I found it really helped me, especially the bits about praise. I started off very much using praise through gritted teeth when I wanted to scream and shout! But it did get easier and more natural to do as time went on.
Gosh, this sounds just like my dd who is now 11.
We have never backed down once we've said no, but DD will just keep going on, and on, and on.
I now say more or less what MrsKCastle suggests.
Nine - giving a different word doesn't work either. If she suspects there is the slightest chance I will change my mind, by saying "maybe", "later", or "perhaps", she is even more relentless.
We also now say to her "I know it isn't what you want to hear/do, but it's what is going to happen".
She is very, very black and white about things and I do wonder sometimes whether she might have traits of ASD as she also finds it extremely hard to empathise or take anyone else's views into consideration.
If you are wondering about ASD have you also considered ADHD? My 9 year old dd was (& is still) just like this. We used to call her Ariston (and on, and on...if you remember the adverts!) and she has ADHD.
We also never change our minds when we have said no, but we try and divert her attention elsewhere and just say 'asked and answered' which gives us an easy to remember answer to go to, to try and keep our cool! It doesn't always help but it is easier now she takes medication that gives her the ability to stop and think a bit more for a few hours at least!
I hope my post doesn't offend you, but think it may be worth considering. The only other thing that worked better than usual discipline methods was 123 Magic.
Sorry, l've just realised that it was another poster who mentioned ASD. I would try and work out if you think your dd has any other traits, like difficulty with impulsiveness or maintaining attention. My dd is like the Duracell bunny, she is never still and always talking, jumping, moving.
'Asked and answered' That's going to be my new mantra
I'm not concerned about ASD/ADHD - her concentration and empathy are ok really (mostly!).
Using a word other than no doesn't work as she sees it like a chink in my armour, I think.
I shall plod on, but God it's exhausting....
Incog - thank you for the suggestion of ADD. I've just had a look at the NHS website and many of the traits seem to be prevalent in my dd.
I use asked and answered with my dd. It does seem to work for us.
Lol @ 'asked and answered', that was going to my advice too ha! Drives my 4yo mad but he gets it. I also switch off once I'm at that stage too, i.e. I'm not bothered in the slightest so no investment from me and that helps for sure. If you've e.g. planned to go to the library and she's still on about the sweets she wanted, asked and answered and then 'right I am ready for the library'-redirecting might help her move on. For interrupting my ds2
is supposed to put his hand on my hand to signal he wants me and I pu mine on his to say I know he's waiting and I will be with him-our 'secret signal', if he forgets and interrupts I just put his hand on mine and carry on. Like you I stick to my guns but he will keep trying, hopefully a sign of determined people of the future ;)
My 4yo actually used 'asked and answered' to his dad during the week when he asked what was for dinner after ds2 did. We had to laugh
I like the secret hand signals idea too - thanks mikado - I shall give that one a whirl.
The switching off thing might take a little work on my part though.......
I've always used "you've had your answer". To my own children and to the few and far between children who try this with me as their teacher.
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