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8yr old dd can't/won't behave. :(

(9 Posts)
TheStitchWitch Tue 12-Jul-16 10:55:57

Dd is 8, beautiful, funny, and very bright, but she has always been difficult. As a baby she didn't take naps and was very clingy ie she would scream if I left the room, she would cry if anyone else held her including her dad and grandparents. As a toddler the word no didn't seem to register, if she wanted something she would scream and tantrum, I ignored bad behaviour and praised good, but even when I ignored her persistent screeching she would kick hit and just get louder. sad
She was an early talker, we could have a conversation at 18mths she did well at pre school and when she started school she excelled in everything, school reports are amazing, teachers say she is a leader and is respected by class mates, she's supportive of others and has lots of friends, me and her dad are very proud of her, BUT at home it's a completely different story, she's whiny, demanding, defiant, she winds her 10 year old brother up till he's in tears, she screams, shouts, bangs and slams around the house and quite honestly we've all had enough of her attention seeking, drama queen behaviour. No punishments seem to work, we've taken away toys, stopped her from playing out, even banned her from Brownies for a week which she hated us for and screamed for the entire hour and a half she would have been there.
Bedtimes are a nightmare taking at least half an hour of messing around before lying down.
I'm at the end of my teather, her brother is the complete opposite, quiet, laid back, easy to please and sensitive to other people's feelings, I feel like because he's so laid back he fades into the background because me and dh spend so much time dealing with dd, I feel sad for him too.
What am I doing wrong? I'm certainly not coping well and question my parenting daily, I'm failing both of my children. sad
Sorry for the long post, if really appreciate some feedback.

ChipInTheSugar Wed 13-Jul-16 13:49:13

Is there a school nurse you can access to discuss your concerns? Can you talk to her teacher and/or SENCo? I had/have similar with DS(7) - doing a bit of armchair diagnosis I came up with PDA - pathological demand avoidance. He has had the Ed Psych in at school, and I'm waiting on a community paed appointment requested via the GP.

In the meantime I'm also feeling like a shit parent, constantly doubting myself when everything he does causes me so much stress, and other parents say "oh, boys are like that" etc.

TheStitchWitch Wed 13-Jul-16 14:33:59

Hi ChipInTheSugar
We've tried the school nurse route and unfortunately they weren't very helpful because even though we'd voiced our concerns she spoke to dd's class teacher and as she is a model pupil at school they see no reason to take things further.
We now have a new problem that explains a lot of her more recent behaviour, she came home from school last night complaining of tummy cramps, at bedtime there was blood in her undies so she has started her period at only 8yrs old.

I've spoken to school this morning to make sure she's getting support there and also spoken to our GP, he says she is obviously on the young side but anything over 8 is considered normal. I'm in a complete state of shock, my poor baby.sad

ChipInTheSugar Wed 13-Jul-16 17:12:16

Oh god! What a shock for you all. How has she handled it?

TheStitchWitch Wed 13-Jul-16 18:20:59

Surprisingly it hasn't phased her, she says that me and her are twins now. The GP says it's quite possible that she'll not get another for a bit, I hope so.

UsainWho Wed 13-Jul-16 18:29:02

Crikey, that is young. Think that has been messing up her head then? I know what I'm like as a 39 year old pre-period!

On a practical note, my DS benefitted massively from an earlier bed time wrt his behaviour. He didn't always go to sleep straight away, in fact he often didn't, but it meant he was asleep by an earlier time still and then got a longer sleep. I think sleep deprivation in children accounts for a lot and is easily missed as it's not like they're actually exhausted. I don't often suggest Dr Google, but he;s worth consulting on that front.

TheStitchWitch Wed 13-Jul-16 19:25:24

It does maybe explain some of her behaviour, in the last year we'd noticed spots, greasy hair, narrowing of her waist and a small amount of chest development so she must have been feeling pretty crappy. But it still doesn't explain her behaviour in her earlier years.
Bedtime is 7:30 on a school night so it's around 8 when she finally settles.

ChipInTheSugar Wed 13-Jul-16 20:47:53

"Settling" can take an hour here Stitch - count your blessings!

Good to hear she's not fazed by it!

UsainWho Wed 13-Jul-16 22:18:37

Stay strong. I used to get told I had to find DS's achilles heel in terms of punishment, but sometimes it just needs mega consistency. I'd recommend going to your GP and asking how you can access help, it is out there. Our ed psych department run courses every year, maybe see if yours do too?

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