I am in tears.... DS7

(23 Posts)
tostaky Tue 12-Jul-16 10:03:32

He is 7.5, in Y2, top of the class, super good at sports BIT he is just awful and self centered.
Always grumpy, never listening, always grumbling.
I don't think he has any friends to be honest. Yet he is the captain of the football team.

Where do I find some help as I can no longer take it?
I never shout but last night I did. I also slap his bottom. This morning all was fine, I woke him up with kisses and cuddles. Then his behaviour flared up again, his teacher had to threaten him to call the headteacher to make him go to class and I just broke into tears after he finally went to class.

Am I too weak? I have another two absolutely lovely children so it can't be all my fault.
What help can I get? I need help or I fear in 10 years I will have a bad case of a lazy, young adult who lives home, shout at his mother, ask for money and don't lift a finger except for his PlayStation or to smoke a joint.

I don't know what to do! sad

BathshebaDarkstone Tue 12-Jul-16 10:05:50

I wish I had any suggestions. flowers

MrsPear Tue 12-Jul-16 10:12:23

Ask the school for a meeting. It will be in September as it is closing week but do ask. In my son's school - state - they have a family worker who is there for just this sort of thing.

TheStitchWitch Tue 12-Jul-16 12:06:47

Tostaky, I wish I could help, I really do. I've just posted a very similar thread about my 8 year old daughter. She is the youngest of two, absolutely brilliant at school but at home..well it's a nightmare. Everyone in the house is miserable because of her attention seeking little princess attitude. We honestly feel like we've tried everything but it never seems to get any better. We have a holiday booked for the end of the month and I'm dreading it. sad
So unfortunately I have no words of wisdom but I'm always available for a chat and support if you need to vent. flowers

isthistoonosy Tue 12-Jul-16 12:15:20

How old are your other kids - and how is with them?

Does he know what he is angry/ upset about, could he try a diary/ worry box / worry beads/ dolls type thing to deal with his emotions better.

Would he like some responsibilities, to be treated a bit more grown up - earn pocket money, or extra odd jobs he can do, go to the corner shop alone (depends where you live of course), stay up 30min layer than little siblings provided he behaves etc

tostaky Tue 12-Jul-16 14:16:25

Thanks all for your words of support.

I am not sure about what he feels as he is just a big block of negativity.

How could I give him pocket money if all I get is grumbles and "no" to everything....

Am I wrong to expect some positive attitude before I can give "extra"? (I give him the basics already + lots of activities, arrange play dates etc, new shoes, cool camps for the summer etc...)
He has already a lot without asking.

Actually the only think he asks for is to be left alone in his bedroom...

DiddlySqeak Wed 13-Jul-16 10:01:06

Gosh, that sounds draining. Is he better behaved for his dad or grandparents ?
Does he have something he loves? I could ensure good behavior from my DC by withdrawing computing access. They loved to play computer games so removing their game playing 'privilidges' worked well.
Do you control his access to comp games as it is? I found kids of his age could be very negatively effected if they were allowed too much and if they were allowed the wrong sort of games. It makes some kids aggressive.

How are you on the basics with him? Does he eat and sleep enough? Sleep is still ridiculously important at his age?

BTW sorry I'm stating the obvious. I'm sure you have thought of this already

DebratsEtiquette Wed 13-Jul-16 10:05:39

Thestichwhich please can you post a link to your thread - I'm in the same place too - could it be an end of term thing?

TheStitchWitch Wed 13-Jul-16 13:37:10

Hi Debrats, sorry I don't know how to link off my phone. The thread was "my 8yr old dd can't/won't behave"

TheStitchWitch Wed 13-Jul-16 13:43:56

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/a2683679-8yr-old-dd-cant-wont-behave?msgid=62283495#62283495

DebratsEtiquette Wed 13-Jul-16 14:18:59

Thanks Stitchwitch - sounds so familiar. Will watch both threads for other advice - we saw a child psychiatrist once (just a couple of seasons) and she said you just have to keep taking things away. With really serious cases the child ends up simply with a mattress in their room and eventually learns that they need to behave to get things back. We've not got to that stage but there are many teddy bears on top of our wardrobe and a much desired birthday present has been immediately put away. I bought new clothes for a disco party on Friday but feel a) the act of giving seems like I'm not taking the bad behaviour seriously b) being allowed to go to the party is giving in. I am perhaps my own worst enemy. Does this sound familiar?

TheStitchWitch Wed 13-Jul-16 14:24:57

It does sound very familiar, it's so hard being bad cop all the time and it's mentally exhausting. sad

Sorry for hijacking your thread Tostaky, hope things get better for all of us soon. flowers

SlightlyperturbedOwl Wed 13-Jul-16 14:27:36

You don't mention screen time, just a thought but my DS the same age is foul if he has too much

Maki79 Wed 13-Jul-16 14:31:31

Are hissiblings both younger than him?? We have a 7.5 yr old, absolute delight 90pc of the time but an absolute nightmare when she deels out of control. We suspect pda but getting her seen is proving near on impossible. She is also a very negative person and I find myself having to carefully manage everyday situations such as her 4 yr old brother who is not at school yet doing something fun in the day. I dread her finding out and I prepare myself with answers!
The reason I ask about the siblings is one thing weve found gas benefited the whole damily is staggering bedtime. Baby goes at 6.45, dh does a jigsaw with ds then ds goes to be at 7.15 and then dh or I do something with dd until her bedtime at 8. Might be card game or warching nature programme or doing some yoga. Its a bit pita somedays if we haven't planed our dinner yet or we've got loads to do but it really does make her feel good.
Good luck!

Mov1ngOn Wed 13-Jul-16 14:34:15

Do you know why he is feeling so unhappy? Is he struggling to express feelings or communicate?

I like the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" recommended on here a lot. I never manage to put it all in to practice but helps to see it from the child's perspective.

Mov1ngOn Wed 13-Jul-16 14:35:36

I agree with the special time for each child thing. I find it hard/impossible when my husband works away but mine Di behave so much better when they feel connected.

foolonthehill Wed 13-Jul-16 14:41:40

Don't just take things away...it's really really hard especially when you feel so low and down but you need to find positive things to notice every single day, and they will be tiny and "insignificant" like...putting on shoes unaided, drinking nicely from a glass, walking not running to the front door.

You need to reverse your negative spirals because at the moment you will be forever exhausted with him and ready to snap at the next bad behaviour...both of you need to believe that it can be better and that he is a "good" person.

tostaky Wed 13-Jul-16 23:47:49

Hi all And thank you si much for sharing your advice.
I don't mind one bit if others use the thread for similar reasons (sorry don't know how to quote and have short memory re:names).

To answer a question, we are a no-TV household and iPad time is strictly limited to half an hour on Tuesday Eve after piano tutor and 1hr on both sat and sun morning.

There is no other opportunity for screen time.

After being in tears, my husband and I decided that DH would pick up DS and talk to him and also deal with him until bedtime. DH pick up DS. DS came home and went straight to his bedroom. Two hours later I ask DH to check on DS (just in case). They ended up talking and DS came down to apologise. The rest of the evening went well and although we had to repeat a few times "take a shower" and "brush your teeth" it was ok.

Today has been fine too. At some point DS did something that annoyed me (didn't want to say hi to my parents on Skype) so I threaten him but DH intervened and had a much more relaxed approach in which he was calm , did not threaten. DS went to play and then came back to sit next to DH still chatting over Skype => proof that being non-confrontational can be better sometimes, DS doesn't like to be forced to do things, he came on his own time to say hi. Plus DH reinforce the lesson before bedtime explaining to DS why it is important to say hi etc..
I feel my DH treated this very nicely and I will try to emulate him - I need to do more yoga and deep breathing thoughts I want to keep my cool!!!!

When DS stormed down on Monday eve it was because i was removing everything (HP books, school trip, bday party etc...). It probably was too much. I say probably because I still feel strongly that sometimes he really takes the monkey - at the same time I am sure my DH is right and I shouldn't have removed so many privileges.

I am unsure of the case where you would remove everything from a child until he has only a mattress to sleep in. Monday I wasn't far from that. And it was bad.

Sorry a bit long so I will stop and go to sleep now.

DebratsEtiquette Thu 14-Jul-16 05:49:02

Glad things seem to be improving. I will try a different approach today, gentler, not threatening/removing things and see how that goes. Re. Leaving only the mattress only - I think it was an extreme example for a child with very severe issues and under the treatment of health care professionals - sorry, wasn't actually recommending anyone do that.

Mov1ngOn Thu 14-Jul-16 21:24:19

Threatening him is just going to set you and him against each other. It truly sounds like threats don't work for him and just antagonise him.

The how to talk book is good.

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 14-Jul-16 21:30:17

You need the how to talk book. I did a parenting course based round it and the related videos. I has helped me enormously and although I don't manage to follow the advice 100% of the time, the improvement in my relationship with my 2 dds (7 and 11) is amazing. It advises not removing possessions, rather listening. Bad behavior is a symptom of a problem. You can't keep punishing symptoms, you need to find out the problem and solve that.

tostaky Thu 14-Jul-16 23:05:25

I actually read it two years ago but I think I need a refresher!! It is a good book, it did help at the time... (Always have had issues with DS1)

Still feeling like walking on eggs. And I am being too relaxed: ie: we had to take ds2's friend home with us and DS1 said in french :"do we have to take him AGAIN?"
I am pretty sure that DS2's friend did not understand the words in French but got the gist through the intonation... I had to make lots of efforts to refrain myself to ask DS1 to apologise and tell him off.
Could I be too perfectionist and ask too much of my children? Is it normal for a 7yo to say things like this? What is the appropriate response? Would it have been an overkill to ask him to apologise and to tell him off/lecture him?
DH think I am too strict...

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 14-Jul-16 23:12:24

Find out why he didn't want to take his friend home rather than thinking you should punish him for voicing it. I wonder if he wants more time with just you?

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