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I need help. What consequences do you have for bad behaviour, breaking family rules?

(18 Posts)
Trickymoments Tue 12-Jul-16 08:03:45

I'm having a rubbish time with my ds 8 & dd 4. General bad behaviour, lack of respect & disregard for basic house rules.
It's mainly my ds but now dd is starting to copy him.
Also she shouts & screams at him constantly and it's really getting me down.

We've tried reward charts but their impact hasn't lasted long. We've discussed our family rules & put them on the fridge but ds mainly ignores them. He doesn't listen to me & I feel has no respect for me as the adult.
I usually take away screen time for a day as a consequence but this is starting to have no effect.

Please can anyone help tell me what you do as I'm actually dreading another afternoon of the same with them.

tostaky Tue 12-Jul-16 10:05:16

Oh hi! I just wrote a similar post.. We should hold hands together.
Sorry I have no tips to offer you as I am struggling too.

What about school? Is school ok?

Haggisfish Tue 12-Jul-16 10:13:59

Small but instantly doable punishments. And I give a warning and count to three. Eg dd if you don't start speaking to me politely I will turn the TV off for half an hour (but only if this wouldn't upset other child. Might also say go to your bedroom for ten minutes). I'm going to count to three and you need to be being polite by the time I reach three. Oooooonnnneeee....ttttwwwwwwoioooo.......two and a half if they are calming down. If they have stopped by three it's all 'good choice, well done, let's read a book' or something so they get positive attention for behaving well. If they don't, I immediately carry out punishment and after they have to apologise and then we move on. No tv for a whole day would be as much of a punishment for me and other dc!!

Trickymoments Tue 12-Jul-16 10:20:20

Hi tostaky sorry to hear you're having the same problems, it's so hard isn't it.

School is fine, he's like a different person there I think. I have been a bit worried lately though as there have been a few parties & sleepovers from boys in his class & he hasn't been invited. I'm wondering if his tendency to be a bit selfish is affecting his friendships or that the mothers of the other boys have seen some of his behaviour and don't want to invite him.

DD is like 2 different people. Her nursery say she is quiet & shy but at home she bosses us all around, shouts, screams and cries if she doesn't get her own way!

steppemum Tue 12-Jul-16 10:30:51

agree with Haggis, lots of instant small consequences.

talking back - to your room, because your sister and I don't want to listen to that way of speaking, you can rejoin us when you can speak properly.

ask to do something and they won't do it? Fine, I will remove one toy from your room, for every time I ask you to do it. (chose a toy they care about, return it the next time they do something first time of asking). Or frog march to the task and do it with them as if they are a puppet. I accompany this with a stream of silly voices (Oh no! dd won't pick up her shoes and put them on the rack, quick quick lets get the shoes before they run away - I put my hands under theirs and we double march to shoes and I put them in her hands and make her put them on the shelf) Then, usually they have stopped being cross by now, I turn them round and say in a serious voice - next time do it yourself please.

Shouting and screaming? we don't like that, it hurts our ears, so you need to go out of the room when you do that. Put her out of the room you are in and shut the door. Older child, send them to their room.

If they won't go to their room, I'm afraid I pick them up and take them, usually in fireman's hold and I will tickle them on the way, which changes the mood anyway.

Change the consequences to funny ones - I can't stand that noise, so I am going to turn into the TICKLE MONSTER if you make that horrible screaming noise again, then chase them round tickling them.

Don't forget the basics, are they hungry, have they had exercise (kick them out into the garden for a bit) have they had your attention, are they over tired.

Go on strike - mummy I am hungry - hmm, well mummy is on strike, until you can be nice to me/speak politely.

At mealtimes, rude behaviour means you remove the plate and wait, when they apologise and speak politely return the plate.

dodobookends Tue 12-Jul-16 10:42:56

Must be a nightmare having one who misbehaves, and the younger one starting to copy them.

Or - is he deliberately taunting her and winding her up, so that she gets into trouble? It might be worth watching closely and finding out what the triggers are.

If he's not listening to you then the consequences (as Haggisfish says) need to be immediate and consistent.

shouts, screams and cries if she doesn't get her own way! Well, we found that a sharp "Stop making that noise!" worked quite well, and it would be the only attention dd got when she kicked off.
She needs to learn that carrying on will absolutely not get her what she wants, and that she will have to control herself first, calm down and then ask nicely. Only then will you consider whether she can have what she wants. If she's managed to calm herself, then it is probably worth rewarding that behaviour.

NotCitrus Tue 12-Jul-16 10:58:59

Sympathy. We seem to have come out of a bad patch of this recently (ages 8 and 4) - things that helped included "If you can't take turns or compromise on TV programmes, then I get to choose", "No-one feels like tidying up, but if I have to do all of it, then you'll find I'm too tired to, ooh, make [favourite dinner]".

Breaking down complex tasks like "tidy your room" into "that means one: all clothes in the laundry hamper or in the right drawers. Two: all books on shelves. Three: all paper and pens and all in your desk. Four: Lego in the Lego tray. Five: Cuddly toys in your bed."

And permitting computer time as a reward only - "can I play Minecraft?" "Sure, as soon as you've finished your homework".

Dd's screaming has got better now she can understand consequences more than a minute in the future. "If you scream so ds can't hear his programme, then he can have another one and you'll have to wait longer."

Explaining to the kids all the things I do for them that they don't notice, and how all I have to do is make sure they have some boring food, school uniform, and wash and go to school, helped - I don't have to buy them any toys, any cool hats or clothes, pay for a TV or TiVo, and certainly don't have to install or help with computer games, take them to parties or friends' houses, make cake...but usually I do a lot of that because I feel like it.

Fomalhaut Tue 12-Jul-16 17:37:28

Agree with quick short term consequences- no screen time for a day is quite long term and 'in the future.' Turning the tv/wifi off now is immediate and reversible if behaviour improves

Good advice above. The only thing I'd not do is use sending to room as punishment- its advisable never to use an action you need them to do regularly (go to bed for example) as a punishment.

KateLivesInEngland Tue 12-Jul-16 17:40:49

Following, have 4dc who are constantly fighting between themselves and back chatting to me. Will read full thread later!

FruitCider Tue 12-Jul-16 17:41:04

My daughter is 3.5. She is acquainted with time out to calm down. "If you don't stop smearing play doh in the carpet you are going to go in time out. One! Two! And she stops grin

steppemum Tue 12-Jul-16 21:54:56

Fomalhaut - I understand what you are saying about sending to their room, but I have found that actually it works in several ways.

1. ds used to get really cross, temper and shouting etc etc. We found that he needed to go away from us and the situation to calm down. We usually phrased it at such when he was like this - go to your room, take some time to calm down, we will discuss it later when you are not so angry.
2. when they are deliberately doing something to be annoying/because they know they shouldn't. We had swearing, and we had being mean verbally and physically to younger siblings. Then I said - you are not nice to be around at the moment, as you are being unkind/swearing and we don't want to listen to it so I am going to put you away from us until you stop.
3. attention seeking drama queen dd hates to be away form where the action is, so sending her to another room is pretty much instantly effective as it removes the audience,

In all 3 of the above of course it doesn't have to be their bedroom, but practically in our house it is the most obvious choice, as the other room interconnect. I have never had any trouble with them going to bed, or thinking negative stuff about their rooms. In fact just the opposite, they treat them as their space, their sanctuary. I think that being the place they went to to think things through actually helped.

Fomalhaut Tue 12-Jul-16 22:09:59

Fair point steppe smile

My opinion is probably coloured by many battles over sleep ... Sigh ... ;)

mzmum78 Sat 16-Jul-16 02:40:39

My mum always told me never to threaten something I wouldn't follow through with - which I was guilty of doing!
It seems each week I have to fin a new thing that matters - eg a play date - which will be cancelled or taken away if they don't listen - one warning and then it's done
It's very very hard but if you don't follow through then they won't care what you say next time!
The counting thing also - I have a friend who just randomly starts to count - I always wonder what will happen at the end - so I always say "if I get to 3 (this) will happen" otherwise it's just random counting
I promise you all kids are the same - you think yours are so disrespectful etc but I promise they're totally normal
But if you want them to behave and listen you have to follow through even when someone's it means feeling awful and dealing with tears and tantrums

mzmum78 Sat 16-Jul-16 02:43:37

Also I really try and do positive reinforcement - hard to remember sometimes - but if they've been great or done something great I'll say "I'm so proud of you for listening today" for example
Otherwise I found all I was doing was constantly negative and berating them !

Haggisfish Sat 16-Jul-16 09:51:51

Yes I do that too, alllll the time, too. Good sitting, eating, being kind, etc etc!

peppajay Sat 16-Jul-16 22:12:56

Both my kids can be so rude and disrespectful and according to DH is all my fault for not disciplining. We have very different parenting ideas. They love daddy's attention so being rude Is a great way to get his full attention usually a full on 30 minutes of screaming and shouting at each other which usually ends in DH storming off and not speaking to us to the next day. I try to ignore if I can as I know in our house it is attention seeking behaviour for their dad to just notice them.

Haggisfish Sat 16-Jul-16 22:57:45

Sorry peppa but that just sounds all wrong, for you and Dc. I wonder if dc copy rude behaviour from their dad and ignoring it will only make it worse as they will ramp it up until they do get a response, surely? Sounds like dh is the problem, not Dc.

dontrustcharisma Sat 16-Jul-16 23:00:15

play games with them and take them to the park to work off some steam.

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