My Son

[louise1970]

My Son 1 ½ to 3years

My Son is the reason why there is no time left to play with My daughter

My Son wants our attention for most of the day.

When we divert ourselves from My son he destroys everything or shouts and screams so loudly it is very hard to ignore (many people have said who have heard him)

Depending on what mood my son is in decides what we do for that day.

My son is taken after warnings to the naughty step. He never sits there alone. He thumps and bangs and destroys what ever is near by.

My son comes back from the naughty step and never learns and does it all over again. Most days we have to put him back at least 8 times for the same punishment.

My son never walks only runs every where.

My son never walks within 4 feet of us and just darts off really fast so we can not catch him. Reins have been tried but he just sits and refuses to get up. Eventually he starts hitting us or pulling my hair.

My son seems more content at school. We think that it is because he is having the attention he craves. It appears that as long as you constantly teach him and give him attention 24/7 he does very well. He does not seem to free play at all well.

It has been comented by a teacher that i have they are glad he is not their son. I did ask for this honest opinion.

My son never shares the things that he desires. My son will do anything he can to outsmart another child that has something that he wants.

My son will never get into the car. My son will never leave an area where is happy playing. Bribery seems only to delay the tantrum as he remembers what the bribery was and realises its not true etc.

My son does not eat well.

My son did not talk until he was 2 ½ now the conversations are flowing but he still does not understand things, consequences, danger, punishment.

My son is the reason why i want to go back to work but i can not leave my daughter

My son is breaking my heart..

[mellowma]

Message withdrawn

[Aloha]

If he never learns and doesn't understand, I'd say stop the naughty step right now. It's pointless and upsetting you all. How old is he? Is this a nursery 'teacher' or is he at school? Did they have anything remotely helpful to suggest? You sound very fed up with him.
How did he do on his 2yr check?

[Lorina]

Sounds a fairly normal lad to me.Little boys are exhausting.

I bet he grows up to be the chairman of IBM !

[belgo]

How old is your dd?

I agree with aloha, if the naughty step doesn't work, then give up on it. Give up on punishment; ignore naughty behaviour and praise good behaviour. I had a similar problem with my two dds, and it improved vastly when I started giving my older dd one to one attention regularly, without the distraction of my younger dd; and plenty of hugs and 'I love you's and positive praise.

Do things to use up your son's energy. Three year olds are full of energy, and if it isn't used up in a healthy way, they will be naughty.

Hope things get better for you. Remember, he was once your little baby.

[mellowma]

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[LizaLu]

My ds is 3.2yrs and from age 3 have seen a real turning point. Doesn't run away too much, stops when I shout 'stop road', sits still for story and snack at toddler group, can concentrate on one toy for a while, has to throw himself on the floor at least once in a supermarket but it doesn't last too long. I could go on and on but just to say he could do none of these things just a few months ago. Your ds will grow out of a lot of these things.

One thing that worries me Louise is that you really seem at the end of your tether and wonder if with all that stress you get any positive moments with ds. Jealousy of dd could be a factor - spending time with ds on his own regularly could make a big difference. Also like belgo says you've got to keep it positive and hopefully he will take the cue from you and become more positive too iykwim. Encourage ds and dd to play together and praise him for being a good big brother.

Don't break your heart - go and have a look at ds asleep and see what a little, innocent boy he is. Give yourself a break as well - toddlers are hard

[louise1970]

Thank you all. My ds1 is 3 and 3 months and has been like this since he was 1 1/2 with no let up. He is just now more faster and stronger, so for me this never seems to be ending. I am always on my own and can not work as my dd2 is only 2. Partner does not make any effort in being at home when the kids are awake. He works weekends and is only around when son at pre school, hence why i am trying to leave him but cant as i have no money. The only factor is that i never have time on my own with him and have thought this mught be it. But this is not possible on a regular basis or very often. So i nned another plan. I am at the end of my teather and have just started taking anti dep for it. No family and friends all have two children of their own and can not help as there lives are hectic enough too. A year ago people kept saying dont worry he will grow out of it soon but i have not seen any change only worst. I really belive that in the beginning i gave him too much attention and now he requires it all of the time. I am constantly praising his good behaviour but can not ignore his bad as it is really bad, even friends that have seen it can not belieive the attention he requires. I give nothing to my daughter. I have 17 friends scattered around the globe with babies and none of them have expereienced all the problems which i could go into but would take so long and i have not the energy any more to say. I really do feel isolated as i can not go out or meet any one with simuliar behaviour. I have never read a book that has ever come close to him. But i have just received one from ebay called Parentying the strong willed child by . I have just glanced at it and it does seem the best thing i have ever seen. So i will have a read tonight.

[Aloha]

So what do the nursery staff suggest? Do you think he might be picking up on the disharmony between you and your partner? This is absolutely NOT your fault, but it might affect him all the same. Did the HV see him for his 2yr check? Did she say anything?

[Lact8]

Hi Louise

I've been having similar problems with coping with my son too. Have a quick look at this

At the start of the thread I was feeling so low I was beginning to think my family would be better off if I wasn't part of it.

I met with my Health Visitor and we talked about different ways of dealing with situations.

Talking to other mums on here who said they have children who are like this really helped as well.

You are not a failure. Please remember this. Toddlers are very hard work and on top of all the other stuff you seem to have going on it can make life overwhelming.

These are a few things that have helped me.

I have stopped waiting for him to do something naughty. I got caught up in waiting for him to climb, pinch, empty all the toys out of the basket etc and would pounce on him, straight into a shout of "What do you think you are doing?? STOP!!" And it just got us both more wound up.

If I see him doing something I would rather he wouldn't, for example, emptying the nappies all over the floor, I say
"Oh DS, do you think its time to change DD's nappy? Well, I only need one nappy so will you bring me just one please?
And can you find the wipes? You've found them, well done!
Now can you find a nappy bag? You did? Well done!
Now lets get DD changed and then we'll tidy up these and play with the Soft Stuff instead."

It sounds quite simple but it took some practice and I did feel a bit of lemon. But it gives him the attention that he wants and turns the situation around from him doing something "naughty" to helping me and getting praise for doing it.

Going for walks has also really helped. Away from all the domestic stuff and a chance for me and him to have a good chinwag. DS2 is a bit of a runner too, so I'll say "Run to that lamp post! GO! Wow, you're so fast! Now run back to me! You are so quick today!" Extra benefit of this is he walks/runs twice as far as me!

I understand how hard it is. Even though he goes to nursery already, do you have a playgroup you could go to? It helps to see first hand that your child isn't alone in playing you up and that other mums are going through the same things as you.

Sorry for huge post. I read yours last night and didn't have chnace to reply so I'm doing it now before my very own whilrlwind of a boy gets out of bed

Take care

[BernieBear]

Hi there. You have been given some great advice on here. (Some of which i will be taking) I just wondered how long you have been taking the ad's for? I know that when my ds was younger I had PND. It was impossible to see any positives in anything, especially dealing with a young boy. However once the ad's took effect and I got counselling, things started to improve. My relationship with my ds was pretty bad when he was very young, but now (he is 2.9) things are improving and I can see the positives. I really know how hard it is when you are feeling like this. It feels like everything is on top of you and the world and it's brother is against you. BUT it will get better.

Give yourself some time. You will start seeing some "light" soon. Sorry if I am not much help it just struck a chord when you mentioned starting to take ads.
x

[sunnysideup]

I think bernie is right, your own low mood will be affecting your ability to see the positives in life at the moment but this should change with the AD's. Your ds has two major things going on in his life which may well be influencing his behaviour - he cannot fail to be aware of your relationship issues with your dp and he has a mum who is depressed.

Unfortunately with kids specially at this age they really can almost immediately 'act out' any disharmony or anxiety that they feel and it can make them really horrible to deal with, specially when you are depressed yourself.....

I'm not saying your ds is not as you describe, but I am saying that as your circumstances such as the relationship and the depression hopefully improve, so will your ability to cope with your ds and so will his behaviour.

The naughty step thing is obviously not working...I would take the pressure of yourself, this is just boring and stressful to have to do if you are having to return him 8 times. and it's just a way of getting attention for him.

If he does something really really dangerous or vile then perhaps you could try time out in his room - at least it's a total break for you from seeing each other for a couple of minutes...ignore much much more than before rather than thinking you have to jump on it and discipline him.

You have all my sympathy though - I do hope you can get some more support...do you have any family or good friends who could help you more?

[IamBlossom]

this thread realy struck a chord with me. The way the OP is written sounds like a mum who is completely at her wits end - in fact I was in admiration of the way it was written, so factual and dead pan and yet at the same time, conveying such pain and desperation....anyhoo, this isn't a book club, just wanted to comment...

My son is 2.4 and quite a challenge too. I think all the advice on here is great, espesh the techniques in turning what you would normally percieve as misbehaviour into positive actions. That is likely to take the naughty wind out of his sails and he is less likely to do it again if you don't see it as negative. Great advice, I'll be using it.

Hugs to you, I think you sounded really really flat and low.

It's hard this parenting business, I am sure you are doing much better than you think.

Bloss

xxx

[NorksBride]

Very good post Lact8. I would very much agree with the long walks, preferably away from traffic, sit DD in a pushchair and walk as far as you can, jump off walls/logs, climb trees/climbing frames, take a football and play with both DCs, etc. Boys with this much energy need to be worked! All my DCs have some of your sons behaviours and it's noticeably worse when we're cooped up because they are ill or the weather is too bad (not that rain usually keeps us indoors but it does when we're recovering from colds).

It'll also do you good to get exercise and time outside. It may take awhile before DS feels manageable but if you perservere it may pay off in spades.

IamBlossom - thought your name was Ian Botham for a second

[Kbear]

Could his diet affect his behaviour? You know the studies on additives etc that they've been doing in some schools? Could you investigate this perhaps?

I'm not implying you feed him crap by the way (!), but there are amazingly awful things hidden in some foods that affect behaviour.

[grouchyoscar]

Thanks to all who have posted. I have a DS (3.5) who over the last term and the Xmas break has been driving me to the brink. Like many posts, I feel he is out of control, I'm doing something wrong, there's some medical issue with him etc etc. DS in that time has run across a busy rush hour road and fallen in the municipal duck pond. To read this thread has made me relax so much. I am not alone, this is not unusual and it will pass.

Thank You all, I am not a bad mother.

A really really big hug to all of you with difficult LOs. It's an awful place to be.

This morning when I collected DS from nursery (usually total chaosd) he saw me, went to his peg, collected his coat and bag and trotted off holding my hand. He made it home without me having to resort to the wrist link. A real breakthrough. DS chose to put himself to bed for a nap.

And that makes it worthwhile.

[sunnysideup]

been thinking about this and wanted to say:

Your son

Your son is a toddler and is not a logical being and is maddening to live with - like ALL toddlers.

My son loves adult attention

My son has great spirit and determination

My son has huge energy

My son talks very well indeed

My son is making a success of school even at this young age and enjoys it there

My son is so intelligent that he can see through 'bribery' when I want to take him away from things he is enjoying

My son has great capacity to enjoy life and his enjoyment of playing and reluctance to leave something he is enjoying shows this.



So much of what you said about him could be seen in a positive light. Hope you see what I mean by the above...it's not a criticism of you because I totally understand how difficult things are. Some kids are definitely challenging and he sounds like one but to be honest I actually think this is a good sign for his character; he has spirit and determination and that cannot be bad...ok, a biddable child is easier to ive with (how often I have wanted that for myself!) but in the long run I think a character like your ds' is the one to have for life in the future......

[Pitchounette]

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[Lazycow]

I reall sympathise as I know boys can be a real handful. I am also wary of saying things that make it is all your fault (I really don't think that) but the major thing I noticed was that you say

'My ds1 is 3 and 3 months and has been like this since he was 1 1/2 with no let up. I am always on my own and can not work as my dd2 is only 2'.

It does seem from this that your ds started to play up most badly when your dd was born. I know you say that you give him lots of attention and your dd gets none but when a child behaves badly a lot it is inevitable that our opinion of them changes to a negative one and they then play up more.

It is a sort of vicious circle. He probably is very strong willed and does want more attention than your dd. His behaviour and your reaction to it is ensuring he does get more attention (albeit negative).


I think lact8's post is very good for specific suggestions on how to cope with his bahaviour but I think that somehow you and your family 'NEED' to address this.

My view is that a little bit more one on one time with your ds may help to remind you of his good points (even if it doesn't dramatically improve his behaviour)

I assume that your dd does get time whith you on her own when ds is in pre-school. It is only fair that ds gets just a little bit of this too if it is at all possible.

One thing I thought of was - You say your dh is around when your ds is in pre-school. Can you ask him to look after your dd then and take ds out of pre-school for one morning and do something just with him. Even if you only do this once or twice in the next couple of weeks it may help a bit.

I'm not going to suggest time on your own without both kids to recharge because I can see that would seem impossible at the moment but I honestly think this might help a bit too.

Can you sit down with your dh and be really honest with him about the problems? This is a family problem and needs a family solution.

[Lact8]

How's your day been today Louise?

[louise1970]

Thank you all so much for your comments and sorry i have not been able to go on line before now.

The book that i mentioned i was going to start reading last night also mentioned the same as you did 'sunnyside up' and many others of you. I to have always agreed with your theories that he may be the next Einstein. But as i say to these people that's geat but how do i deal with the here and now. I have tried things like playing running games with my son to the lamp post and to come back. he does not understand he just keeps running. It does seem quite funny me writing that but its true. Then i have to abandom the pushchair with my dd2 and chase him with god know how many onlookers racing to help my ds1 or dd2. This is an every day occurance. Is is only going to be time before either one of them gets free from me and god knows then what will happen. Pre school today just like any other day when he sees me enter the room he gets megga excited and bolts out of the room and many mums and teachers have to catch him. I know many of you will think he will do ok in the olympics but it is not fun. WHenever he does anything helpful and yes he is very helpful to the point of doing many dangerous things that i tell him not to do but the moment my back is turned he just bolts and does it anyway. Today around the house he climbs on the sofas (i always tell him not too) and tries to put his fist through the pictures hanging. Beleive me i hardly have any furniture as it is. I then sit down with him and do one on one every day for ages, i praise him for so many things, i turn the situations of emptying the kitchen bins over the floor into a positive thing then the moment i stop and divert to something else he starts all over again.

I know i sould ungrateful for all your advices but this has been going on for so long i could write a book. I even take him out on the rare moments we can spend to gether but i feel that he is a child that needs it very regularly and this is definately not possible.

Sorry i have to go my dd2 has a dreadful cold and she is crying again.....
Good Night for now

[Lact8]

Sounds like another tough day

Have you posted on here about this before? Something about your latest post just seems familiar

DS2 does the sofa jumping. Its got to the point of,
Is he going to really hurt himself? No
Is he going to break the sofa? No
Is he using up some energy? Yes
Is it worth the battle? No

It took me a good week to change my attitude towards DS2 so please don't get disheartened that things aren't changing already.

I had to decide what was really worth saying No and having a battle and what was worth letting slide.

Anything involving the cooker definate NO
Climbing up the ceiling high shelves that run the entire length of the living room and filling every gap on the shelves with scrunched up newspaper (seriously!) Another definate No

With regards to the running off, do you have a local park? I would tell him that is where you are going but if he runs off and doesn't stop and wait for you then you will have to go straight home. Keep repeating this to him in the morning an then take him to the park in the afternoon. You need to be ruthless, if he runs off. Go home.

THen try again the next day. It is hard and wearing and terrifying when they run off but he needs to understand that you mean business about it.

Do you have a health visitor you could talk to? I knwo its pot luck whether you get a good one or not but mine came up with some good ideas for dealing with DS2.

Take care

[Dofeellikedancing]

Hi Louise, Reading your post really made me think of livivng at home with my youngest brother. He is infact 21 years younger than me ( Mum thought it was the menopause but she was actually pregnant!) Everything that you described rings so true. Although my brother was an incredibly loving boy living with him was incredibly difficult. Because my mum was a lone parent at that time she looked outside the home for help.

He too was very late talking and I think that this was a big contributor to his behaviour as e couldn't articulate his frustrations or even his basic needs until he was nearly school age and being a really strong physically able boy he would just 'do things himself'. Even when he started alking and understanding things he needed longer to process language and would need long sentences broken down into chunks or repeated. He had loads of energy and he too did that forrest Gump thing of not understanding simple games and just running and running!

i guess my main point is that some children no matter what the advice given or strategies will always stretch you to your limits and it is just time and a consistent approach that changes their behaviour. My brother never learnt the consequences thing until he was nearly at school either. He is the most amazing if slightly eccentric boy now, a real star. I am sending you a big hug and hoping things improve soon.

[colditz]

You cvould be wrinting about my son until very recently. He is 3.9, and from Christmas 2005 to Christmas 2006, He was almost exactly as you hsve described yours. In this time, I had, pretty much, a nervous breaakdown while pregnant, had a baby, nearly split up with dp, had £50 of make up destroyed, all my earings poked down the plu hole, a newly decorated lounge redecorated in wax cray lipstick and nail varnish, I have had to pu bolts on my bedroom, the kitchen and the bathroom door.. the list goes on.

he was late to speak, he still pooed his pants regulrly until 3.5, and yet 4 months later, he really is a different child.

the key with him was exercise and very very clear rules with not too much explaining. Once we had sorted that (and it was bloody hard work) the destructiveness slowed

Also, nd p[lease don't think I am getting at you here because I'm not, but once my mental health improved, ds1s behavior improved dramatically.

Ds1 needs vast amounts of exercise to stisfy him. I take him to an enclosed area and park myself by the gate so he can't get out. Then i stand and challange him to run here there everywhere, faster fastwer fster, almost like throwing a ball for a dog

And although he doesn't run away now, at your son's age he did, and that meant wherever he was somewhere he could escape from, he wore reins, end of. But every day we leave the house, rain or shine. And i still heap mondo amounts of praise on his head for coming back.

the very clear rules, basically I would almost do it by rote.

"Ds1." Repeat name until response.

"Please do X/ stop doing X."

(he would usually ignore me)

(me) "If you don't do blahblah I will count to 3 and when I get to three you are going to your room and I will shut the door. One, two, three" then do it. I didn't look at him or talk to him, but I would carry him upstairs, into bedroom, and hold the door shut until he stopped raging and waws calm. Then go in and be nice, as he had just been taught a lesson.

I'm not boasting, I haver been lucky, and he isn't a very defiant child anyway, but he mostly does it by the time I gat to two now.

But it has taken a few months, and I do feel a lot of the change is simply tht he has grown up a but. he is 50 times more mature than he was 6 months ago, at the age your ds is now.