anger management

(4 Posts)
pipzstar Thu 12-May-16 17:19:50

hi all, my son is 8 years old and really struggles at school with his anger. he cannot control his temper once is has becomes irritated. he is not bad but he cannot control his temper and looses the plot over very trivial things, there is a certain child at school who intentionally winds him up, my son has become a target to this now because of the way he reacts. its hard to get away from this now but i have no idea how to help support him on how to get back down the tree before he blows. he is currently going to counselling and after his 8 weeks the counsellor will produce a report however until then i am just to 'keep doing what im doing' apparently i have a good understanding and a good way to talk to him. he is very good at understanding and reflection on his actions. he is able to talk about what happened and how the situation may have gone better, he is very truthful and thoughtful. he try's very hard not to loose it when he is at school and the school is supportive with him too. however when a situation arises and if he has no support at close proximity to help him calm down or if he has no place to escape to calm he just looses the plot and again it can be over the most trivial things. a child killed a bee and a worm infront of my son and that sent him over the edge (because worms and bees help the world exsist). his temper ends in throwing chairs and stamping, shouting and growling. at the moment he really does not gel with his teavher either which doesnt help. he gets ob well with other teacher but this one, certainly not! so he can winde himself up in classroom time too when he does not get his own way. again usual 8 year behaviour but it escalates out of control! he has been excluded from school 3 times now for this behaviour. the teachers have seen his progression and how hard he tries but when he reacts this way it just undoes everything he has previously done in the week.
i have explained to him that there are nuisance children and people like this one at school in all walks of life and noone ever really gets away from them but a level of tolerance is created over time.(consistantly tell him too)
what i need is help with is a strategy on how to help him learn to control his temper. once he has cracked that he will get on so much better at school. less destractions so he can catch up with the school work that is suffering. I worry that its more than just a 'grow out of it' thing. i dont want this to carry on to secondary school. if it wasnt that bad he would not get excluded.
im aware this is only a brief account but if you are able to help i am happy to answer any questions as i will do anything to help him.
he has work from school to get on with and he will be punished with no tv and electronic games etc but he is not bad and i do not believe in being in a mood with him all day and night. but he needs to realise that his actions have consequences. like i said he does not behave in this manner at home because i am consistent and do what i say and have rules we all stick to. i dont understand why he is this way at school? sometimes i wonder is it just the school and their inability to deal with a challenging child?
any help will be grately appreciated
many thanks
Pippa

PolterGoose Thu 12-May-16 17:28:51

If you believe that he doesn't want to behave like that, and actually can't control his reactions, then punishing won't help. He needs support and help to learn how to behave differently. Punishment doesn't teach skills. More punishment doesn't teach more. Punishment of a child who doesn't want to do the thing resulting in punishment just raises anxiety and makes further outbursts more likely.

I would not punish at home and I would suggest reading the book 'The Explosive Child'. You might also find the book 'The Incredible 5 Point Scale' very helpful.

I would also wonder whether there was something 'more' going on that's resulting in these behaviours.

pipzstar Thu 12-May-16 18:09:32

thank you for that advice. i don't believe in punishing either. i want to show him and help him learn. i will look at those books. thank you

TwoLeftSocks Fri 13-May-16 08:27:32

I was thinking of that book too as I read through.

Our DS gets that too, pipz, but he's more of a flight rather than fight creature so tends to hide under a bush or something after upsets.

For him, we've tried to help him recognise when his stress levels are starting to rise, before he gets to the point where he's "as angry as a bull", and to take himself out of the situation then rather than let it escalate. This can often include him walking out of the room or stomping up the stairs, but its pretty apparent why he needs to.

School are great with this and he's got somewhere to go for a short break if classmates are stressing him. Doesn't always work but when it does he's taking less and less time to come back down again. Normally takes just a few minutes if he's caught it early, then he'll come back and we can have a decent chat about everything.

For him, I think he just struggles to process a surge in emotion. Other kids don't help if they've spotted a trigger, which for our DS is intrusive or repetitive noise.

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