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Don't know what to do, Incressingly rude 4 year old DS

(33 Posts)
SlapACatFuckADuck Tue 10-May-16 15:51:23

I have a 4 year old DS, he is becoming increasingly rude and demanding. He refuses to do as he's told, to listen, and continuously answers back. I have no idea what to do with him.

Some of the things he says/comes out with are just horrible more than recently it has been a lot of "I hate your dad/mum" "I'll punch you in the face" We have no idea where he gets these from as we never say them let alone around him/to him. He shouts half the time and whenever he's told off and told to go on the naughty step he just stands there and say's "no" or "I'm not going, I don't want to" He pushes and hits his dad even when they're not play fighting and DP has told him to stop (something only he does with his dad) , He never does this to me but I never have or will play fight with him.

Even at nursery they've agreed he's rude when I brought it up today. He doesn't have anything in his room anymore just his bed and his brother due to being naughty and because we're moving at the end of the week so I've packed things away.

What can I do to make him into the polite little boy that he should be! He's going to school in September and he will have no friends If he carries on!

SlapACatFuckADuck Wed 11-May-16 00:27:36


Blacksheep78 Wed 11-May-16 00:55:27

Do you think that perhaps the upcoming move has upset him and he's lashing out? Hopefully he will settle down once things get back to normal.

All I can suggest is firm, consistent consequences for nastiness and positive attention for appropriate behaviour, which I am sure you are doing already.

Oh, and plenty of wine.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 03:31:06

Agreed the move might be unsettling him.

Also I find its easy to become trapped in a negative spiral of berating and punishing. Ignoring bad behaviour and praising good tends to work better.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 03:32:01

'he has nothing in his room due to being naughty'.. I would give things back if he is being good.

SlapACatFuckADuck Wed 11-May-16 11:00:42

Unfortunately it's been happing long before the move, albeit it has been a hectic year. (a month in hospital and brain surgery in March) He does get things back if he's good however that is rare because every day he will say he'll punch someone in the face or he hates someone.

It's just tiring tbh, thanks black I don't drink wine though haha

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 11:05:56

i really would ignore if he says that.

Ignore, and later try to find out why he is so angry.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 11:06:19

i wouldnt react to that angrily or punish him, he is either trying to express his upset with something or trying to provoke a reaction.

ButtonsAndBows Wed 11-May-16 11:15:12

My ds was the same and now at age 10 it's just about settling. I put it down to low self esteem (he was abit older than 4 when he started , he was 6 ish) eventually I moved him to a smaller private school , he started horse riding which he loves and we've seen his normal self appear more often . He just needed settling and confidence building , he had a rough few years (divorce , ex still making trouble for me which reflected on the kids like forcing me to sell my home to buy my freedom (he refused to sign a financial order therefore divorce was stalled unless he got money ) . Anyway getting to the root of the problem helped, but it's hard when ds is both upset and angry, because we have to "punish" him (lose a toy/go to room) but yet his anger sometimes comes from being upset about something else. He's realising his siblings nor my DH will play with him if he's screaming and kicking things, so he has learnt self control = good things. It's hard not to get into a negative spiral though, but also it's hard not to give bribes for good behaviour ... Definatly get to the root of the problem and fix from the bottom up. Go overboard with fun and games when he is good... Sticker chart? Positive reinforcement seems the way to go (mostly)

SlapACatFuckADuck Wed 11-May-16 12:07:20

He doesn't like stickers so can't do a reward chat.

He's not angry that's the things he's laughing/playing when he's saying these things when he's angry he tells me so normally if I say he has to go to the naughty step he will say "I don't want to go to the naughty step, I'll be very/so angry" this is during play or randomly. If you ignore him he just calls me continuously and tells me to speak to him. He's relentless when that happens it can last hours

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 12:13:06

If he is laughing when he does it just ignore him totally. He just wants a reaction.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 12:13:34

Even for hours.

SlapACatFuckADuck Wed 11-May-16 12:34:20

How long for though? There's only so long you can listen to "mum", "talk to me" "mummmmmmm" for hours before you lose your shit

Woodenmouse Wed 11-May-16 12:37:37

Have you say down and discussed the move with him? My brother was 3 when we moved and started acting really weird. My parents asked him what was wrong and it turned out he thought they were moving and leaving him in the old house.He was fine when they explained that we were all moving together.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 12:37:57

I don't mean send him to Coventry. Or send him to naughty step for doing it then ignore for hours. Just don't react when he does it. Or say 'that's nice dear' and change subject. He may then say it loads for a while but he will give up. He is 4. He wants an angry reaction.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 12:39:49

You don't need to punish him so he knows it's bad to say it. He knows and is doing it for a reaction. Just act bored. He will give up.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 12:42:37

And give loads of attention while he isn't doing it.

DistanceCall Wed 11-May-16 12:46:26

Hospital, brain surgery (whose surgery?), and a move, and a brother. He's 4 years old, fgs. It's it's his way of expressing his confusion and his anger.

My nephew went through a similar phase at that age when my sister and her family moved abroad. He is mainly asking for reassurance. And you take his toys away.

You need to be patient and show him that you love him (while keeping the boundaries, of course). Perhaps you and/or your husband could spend some "special" time with him on his own.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 12:50:27

He's laughing when he says it. I think he is wanting attention. Probably due to the stuff that's gone on,yes. But he should get attention for different behaviour. It's not healthy dynamic at all.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 12:56:46

Consequences every time will make it worse. It isnt slack parenting to ignore it. He sounds like he knows it's wrong.

Sympathies. It's hard. Little kids can drive you insane. But with right approach they also come round quickly.

SlapACatFuckADuck Wed 11-May-16 12:58:57

wooden Yes he knows about the move, he came with me to look round the house, we discussed his new room, he's helped pack up old toys into boxes, sell old toys, put stuff away, he say's he's excited about the move. He will be starting a new school on the Monday after we move which he's been to for a couple of house albeit now I'm wondering if he shouldn't start so soon =/ He 100% knows he's coming with us.

fanjo He doesn't get punished all the time, normally it's "DS don't say that it's not nice" then if he continues "DS I've asked you to stop saying that, if you carry on being rude you'll go on the naughty step" much protest as why he doesn't want to go on the naughty step and how he'll be very very angry and so cross and if he continues he'll go on the naughty step there he'll tell me "I'm sorry mum, sorry" and "i want to be good" Will try distracting, I wanted something consistent with nursery for when he's naughty but apparently they're not allowed to do the thinking/naughty step so when he say's things like that say no then play puzzles with him which isn't something I would do.

Distance not that it really matters, My brain surgery. His brother has been around for nearly a year and he isn't bothered by him and never has been. As I've already said in my Pp It's not anger as he tells us when he's angry like wise with confusion 've assumed it's stemmed from the play fighting he does with his dad.
Of course we show him that we love him what utter rubbish, He's told and shown numerous times a day. He has alone time with me and my partner (not husband).

SlapACatFuckADuck Wed 11-May-16 13:04:59

When he's good/not threatening to punch people in the face he's always rewarded for his behaviour. It may seem like he's not but that'll be because I'm only discussing the bad points. He Is a lovely little lad, I just worry that he's going to be the kid nobody wants to play with because he keeps saying he's going to punch them in the face. Always saying please/thank you/you're welcoming. Will grab you anything if you ask him (unless he's having a strop) gets lots of cuddles, kisses, play time, bed time stories (unless he's naughty) he's told he's loved numerous times a day and doesn't go to bed without his little love you lots and lots ect.

I guess because the increase of naughty behaviour over the past week or so I'm noticing it more. I also see him as older than what he is I think he's only just 4 but looks about 5/6 and I seem to forget this

P1nkP0ppy Wed 11-May-16 13:12:57

Have you actually asked him why he's angry/upset/hitting out?
Does he have the opportunity to run around and let off steam? DGS loves haring around on his scooter which seems to effectively defuse his energy.
Perhaps he's reacting to the hospital episode and he might be able to draw or talk about it?

DistanceCall Wed 11-May-16 13:13:42

No need to be rude, OP. You asked for advice.

If you think a 4 year old is perfectly rational in expressing his anger and confusion, good luck with that. And seriously, expecting a 4 year old to be "the polite little boy he should be" after his mother undergoes brain surgery (which must have frightened him so much) is bonkers.

P1nkP0ppy Wed 11-May-16 13:15:49

And a house and school move is a massive upheaval and change so it could well be anxieties about that.
Good luck op, I'm sure things will settle down after the move.

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