3.10y constant moaning/crying/tantrums

[JLbaby]

I realise this is part and parcel of being a 3 year old but how do you deal with the constant moaning and crying, I'm really struggling to keep my cool and have just thrown a tantrum myself and sent her upstairs to her room without any dinner as today has just been just awful, moaning and tantrums since she got up. It's literally constant, no break between moans, if I ignored them I'd be ignoring her all day!

Nothing is ever right for her. How do you all deal with it? I've tried- ignoring, telling her I would talk to her once she stopped moaning and talked to me properly, sending her to her room every time she moaned, shouting etc etc. I feel like I've tried everything!! I give her choices about things (such as 'do you want the blue plate or the pink plate') but she just moans when she gets the plate she asked for....

I do wonder sometimes if she is slightly on the autistic spectrum (apologies if this is completely the wrong term but I'm a bit ignorant when it comes to things like that) as she's very 'particular' about things, likes lining things up, hates 'dirt' and being dirty, loves routine and gets frustrated when things don't happen that were supposed to, but she's been like that since a baby and it's just getting worse and worse. Other people just say that's how she is which is fine but they don't have to bloody live with her!!

Please help before I end up taking a long walk off a short pier!

Any advice would be most appreciated.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Sounds like you've both had a very long day . Could she be overtired?

[JLbaby]

Yes but it's like this every day...! She sleeps fairly well at night, goes to bed at 7, wakes around 6.30/7 and no night disturbances usually.

[JLbaby]

Anyone?

[Greaterthanthesumoftheparts]

On the frustration thing, do you tell her in advance what's going to happen, sort of this is obvious but we found with DSS at that age that unless we gave him detailed instructions on what was going to happen next and then next ad infinitum he would go into meltdown. It took about 3 months of just slowly talking him though everything that was going to happen before he could get from one activity to the next without a problem. for you!

[GinGinGin]

My DD (couple of months younger than yours) is exactly the same and I'm afraid I don't cope very well with the moaning and end up shouting (which is probably not what you wanted to hear!). You're not alone though.

What do nursery say about it all? They can investigate for ASD if you're concerned she may have it.

[JLbaby]

Oh gosh I'm so sorry gin! I didn't think there was a possibility there were 2 of them out there, haha. It's so difficult isn't it? I do end up shouting a lot too, so you aren't alone either!

She's a completely different child at nursery, happy, bright and engaging...which makes me wonder what I am doing wrong?!

I do have another dd (14months) and she's the complete opposite to dd1 and hopefully it'll stay that way!

[JLbaby]

Greater - I meant she gets frustrated if we have a change of plans, for example we had friends coming round and they cancelled for various reasons, anyone would have thought I'd told her the world was ending! And that's how it is every time.

I do tell her when we are doing something in advance, for example if we're going out I tell her, then 10ins before tell her we are getting our shoes on in 10mins, then 5mins etc but it's still hard work!

[oobedobe]

Sounds hard OP. Just a few thoughts, maybe remind yourself that although she is nearly 4 (a big girl compared to DD2), 4 is still VERY young. Yes she can walk and talk and answer you back, but that does not mean her brain is capable of acting like an adult or processing information like you do.

IMO most kids would act as if the world was ending to be told their playdate was cancelled.

I think you are treating her like a much older child (sending her to bed without dinner - at three!!) There is no way she is going to understand that punishment.

I agree with explain everything, the plan for the day, what you are doing next, warnings when you are about to leave the park, put the toys away etc. Also do a lot of repeating "I don't understand that whiney voice can you say it to me nicely".

Also try a bit of empathy, "oh its hard for you when we have to tidy up/sit down for dinner etc, would you like a hug from Mummy?"

Lastly they all do this moaning phase, I find it goes away after a couple of weeks.

[strawberrybubblegum]

Obviously I can't know about your daughter, but if a child has ASD then those difficulties will be there in every environment (even if they sometimes manage to mask them - it seems that some children do make huge efforts to cope at school/nursery and then melt down at home where they feel safe).

So if your DD is really happy and engaged at nursery, it might be more that your relationship has got into a bit of a bad cycle. It must be really hard with a 14 month old as well. Do you get 'special time' just with your older DD sometimes? That might help her to feel important to you, which will gradually help with the behaviour. Apparently, whining comed from feeling powerless.

Try having some playful time with her as well to reconnect: tickles, chasing games, anything that makes you both laugh. 'Playful Parenting' is a great book about how being playful with your children maintains your connection - which is what gives you influence with them.

[JLbaby]

Thanks for all the replies - oobedobe - while I agree I probably am treating her like an older child, I must remember she is only 3. I wish this phase would only last a couple of weeks, it's just gone on forever, months and months now!!

strawberrybubblegum - thank you for the book recommendation, I will have a look into that, very helpful. Unfortunately we don't really get any special time together, I'm on my own mostly during the week with them both as DH works long hours and I work 2 days a week while they are both at nursery so we do try and do things together as a family at the weekends.