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baby cries, toddler screams! Help me!!!

(22 Posts)
rileyharrietmummy Sat 30-Apr-16 19:55:42

I have just had a lovely new addition to my family ten weeks ago. The past 3 weeks when she cries my toddler ( 21 months) screams and cries hysterically untill you point out she's stopped crying. If she doesn't stop, he doesn't stop!! Untill 3 weeks ago when she cried he would say uh oh! And drag me over to her. I am at my wits end and slowly loosing my sanity!! Any one else had this and how did you deal with it?

MattDillonsPants Sun 01-May-16 04:02:55

Is he noise sensitive? Does he mind the sound of other things he encounters?

icklekid Sun 01-May-16 05:34:15

Gosh that does sound tough. Can you distract him eg. go get a toy for baby? Does going outside for a walk help calm either of them? Do you have any 1:1 time with ds when baby is asleep or a dp/dh who can help in eve? Plenty of positive attention for ds whenever possible might help. Also praising him whenever he's helping with the baby so he doesn't just see her as something that cries and gets attention!

rileyharrietmummy Sun 01-May-16 06:13:06

He loves a book so we're always reading and doing other things when baby is sleeping... His favourite is taking my washing out the washing machine 😂 I try to make a point of doing things with him when she's not being demanding, even if it is dmsome house work that he likes doing!! He's never really been noise sensitive to be honest, distraction doesn't work as he's too upset that his sister is crying. When she's not crying he shows her toys, reads to her, constantly giving her kisses and cuddles so much I have to tell him to give her a rest! I've tried ignoring him , tried comforting him rather than her and he just tells me off and to 'fix' her. When they are both screaming it's so hard to calm one of them down because they are then aggravating each other. My other half does shift work and 12+ HR shifts so on the days he's working he's useless to me lol but makes no difference when we're both here anyway. I just want to shut myself in a cupboard haha

icklekid Sun 01-May-16 07:03:54

Oh dear sorry oh not helpful. Ds was a very fussy baby and I found a sling helped him to feel calm and thrrefore much less crying. Worth a try?

pearlylum Sun 01-May-16 07:20:57

When does you baby cry?

Apart from colic I didn't really have crying babies.

rileyharrietmummy Sun 01-May-16 07:58:28

She's not that fussy but even her just having a winge sets him off. I don't really want to wear her in a sling as then he will see her on me all the time, and I don't want him to feel like he's missing out. She only cries properly when she's got a bit of wind or her feed is due the rest of the time she's just winging for a hug or to play etc.

pearlylum Sun 01-May-16 08:06:19

So your baby cries when hungry, bored or needs contact. Sounds normal.
Feed her before she cries, babies will give warning signals when they are hungry, it's a gradual process, not a sudden one. Watch for the cues- your baby only cries in hunger as a last resort.

MattDillonsPants Sun 01-May-16 09:12:42

Oh really Pearly OP has another child and can't "watch for the cues" all the time.

bebo100 Sun 01-May-16 10:06:40

Are your babies grown up now by any chance Pearly??? Doesn't sound like you're in the thick of it'

My 3 year old when through a phase of 'fake' crying when the baby cried. I think it was just attention, but the double whammy noise drove me nuts.

Is it a genuine upset? Or is he after attention? If it's the second maybe a treat / reward if he can stay quiet next time...

rileyharrietmummy Sun 01-May-16 14:02:23

Thank you, as much as I would love to stil and watch my baby all day I have a toddler to look after and entertain as well as a house to look after. He is genuinely upset we have real tears! Haha that's how I know it's real we don't get real tears often! I've tried explaining it to him doesn't help as he's too young. Just feel like I'm fighting a war when they are both at it! One that I am destined to loose!!

treeagate Sun 01-May-16 14:17:40

It sounds like your toddler is a bit jealous of baby and is competing for your attention. I had the same when my daughter was born and my son was 23 months. Providing your baby is safe I would go first to your toddler and comfort them then say something like ' let's read a book together' I just need to feed ( or whatever ) baby first , could you go an choose a book for us to share? Try to enlist relatives too to give toddler lots of attention and be on toddlers side / I used to get my husband involved at weekends taking my son on special outings and pretending to moan about 'screaming baby'. You can also let your husband or other relative care for baby so that you and toddler get some quality time together too. That way your toddler feels they are getting more attention than baby and things should settle.

rileyharrietmummy Sun 01-May-16 14:43:10

He won't let me settle him first... He gets worse if I ignore her. We do things with just him when the husband is home, free the ducks go park etc. When I say she is being silly and making lots of noise he tells me off! I can't win lol

pearlylum Sun 01-May-16 15:02:47

I found a sling invaluable.

I could breastfeed baby hands free while feeding ducks/doing a jigsaw with my toddler. A sling also made sure baby was also generally settled, and really never cried.
Sorry if that upsets some people to hear.

MattDillonsPants Sun 01-May-16 16:25:52

Pearly it's not that it upsets people. But the OP was asking not about how to calm her baby...I'm sure she knows how to do that...but how to distract her toddler or help him to stop crying.

Slings don't suit everyone, didn't do anything for me. I found them awkward and restrictive and my baby was massive so it actually hurt me to have her on my front all the time.

Not everyone wants a baby attached to them constantly.

rileyharrietmummy Sun 01-May-16 18:55:33

My baby is just being a baby. They cry they get clingy they settle. All I was trying to do is get an insight into other parents situations and if anyone had any advice regarding my toddler. I do not appreciate it being incinuated that I'm not caring for my baby appropriately.

I'm a little old school with my children, I do not feel that they need to constantly be attached to a parent as I believe that it may cause seperation issues when trying to teach them to self soothe and sleeping alone etc. I appreciate that this is not everyone's out look and that's fine, we all choose to raise our children differently.

If anyone has advice on my toddler feel free to comment, if you want to make me seem like a bad mum as I'm busy and can't have a baby staples to me constantly or watch them every second of the day, please refrain from posting.

minipie Mon 02-May-16 08:39:51

Could you get him to 'help' you settle her - so for example if she needs a feed could you explain that and ask him to get a muslin. Or if she's tired ask him to say shh shh shh. Sounds like he likes to be helpful? He might be a bit young for this I guess (I had a slightly bigger age gap)

rileyharrietmummy Mon 02-May-16 09:18:45

I've tried all that he just gets worse when it's not working lol feel like I've tried everything!

tethersend Mon 02-May-16 09:30:34

I had this, OP- DD1 cried when anyone even sneezed (noise sensitive) and DD2 cried all bloody day. I distinctly remember taking a screaming DD2 into the kitchen with DD1 howling in the front room and bursting into tears myself.

I found a combination of gritted teeth, iPod/pad with child friendly earphones and explanation to the toddler of why babies cry got me through. And walks. Lots of meaningless walks. It passed as soon as DD2 got a bit bigger, and DD1 accepted that she just made a lot of noise.

wine for you smile

guinnessguzzler Mon 02-May-16 10:37:29

It's really hard when they are both crying at the same time, isn't it? We're a few months further along as it's much easier already, so hopefully it will be the same for you.

Sorry if you'very already said this but have you tried explaining to him that crying is the baby's way of talking? We normally say 'the baby's a bit upset, isn't he?', 'I wonder what he wants?', 'do you think he's hungry?', 'baby can't talk so he cries to tell us he needs something' etc. It sounds like he is very protective and loving and genuinely concerned about the baby so might help. Obviously his understanding will be increasing every day so even if he doesn't get it just now he should soon.

happygelfling Wed 04-May-16 07:06:35

I wonder if, perhaps while baby's sleeping, you could role play with a doll with your toddler to explain what baby needs, then maybe while you are settling your baby, he could do the same for the doll?
My DD (now 4.5) didn't have the same reaction to DS (now 2.5), but she did enjoy copying me and caring for her doll. I wonder if the role play helps a toddler to understand what's happening. It may also give him a purpose at a time when he possibly feels powerless.

Fwaffy Wed 04-May-16 07:18:36

I was coming on to suggest what Guinness has said. Your DS sounds like an empathetic little guy! He may be projecting his own feelings on the baby; "when I'm really sad/scared/angry I cry; baby is so sad etc".

It's difficult in the throes of it but I'd also try reflecting his feelings "Oh poor DS is sad because the baby is sad." And then explain how babies can't tell us with words what they want, so they cry to let us know they need something. But most of the time they're okay really and we can figure out what they are trying to say.

I'd also do a lot of reflecting the baby's thoughts "oh, baby is crying, she's trying to tell us she needs some food/a new nappy/a sleep/some fun, but she has no words yet... Hmmm, what can we do to help her..." Get him in on the problem solving and just continue ad nauseam "wording" the babies cries and emotions so he begins to understand crying is just her way of speaking.

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