What do I do with DS?

[weebarra]

Apologies if this is long. DS1 is oldest of 3, he is 8. He has a genetic condition (but not one which affects day to day life). He has dyspraxia and autistic traits (haven't pushed for a diagnosis).
He is socially awkward and fairly isolated at school. He and DS2 (5) have been going to a hobby since Xmas. Today, not for the first time, he refused to go. But, not just "I won't go". He dithered, he said he was going, then he wasn't, until, as I had explained, it was too late and the class had started.
I tried not to get too involved. I got his siblings ready, reminded him what to do and waited for him in the car.
He was ready, got in the car, refused to do his seatbelt and then left the car when I got out to do it.
I don't know what the fuck to do with him. I'm doing a parenting course at the moment to help me deal with him. I didn't lose my temper, I acknowledged his feelings.
I feel bad for his brother who missed out on his hobby because DS1 was behaving like an arse.
Any advice? What do we do next week when the same thing happens?
Apologies for the essay.

[MattDillonsPants]

I think a diagnoses would really help him and of course, you. Not only would you have some support but potentially his life could improve through that support.

If he turns out NOT to have any ASD well at least you know that for certain. As it stands, you just don't know.

Have school ever suggested getting him assessed? How is he coping there? Also, if the school have not said anything, ask to speak to the SENCO about assesment or just go straight to your GP and ask them.

[Kariana]

Did you ask why he was reluctant to go and if so what reason did he give? Could be have been uncomfortable about something the leader had said would be happening this week?

[weebarra]

I don't think so. It's a very laid back class and we've implemented a reward scheme for completing a part of it. We did talk later and he said he didn't want to go when the weather was so nice. Fair enough.
I'm really not sure about pursuing a diagnosis. His classmates have called him brain damaged. I explained to him that his brain works differently but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

[MattDillonsPants]

Why aren't you sure about getting him a diagnoses?

[weebarra]

Because of the labelling, I suppose. Which is daft since I've spent most of my career working with young people with SN. If diagnosis helps him access more support then I know I should start the ball rolling.

[Witchend]

I think I would have said to him along the lines of:
"When we get there you can choose whether you do it or not, but you need to get in the car so I can take ds2".
I suspect once he was there then he'd have gone in, particularly if you'd talked with ds2 on the way there about the fun things that might happen.

I've an 8yo. He not infrequently gets to the time to leave and says he doesn't want to go. When we arrive, he does. He just gets both enjoying what he's doing at home and not wanting to stop and slightly cold feet. If it's something I want him to continue (and I know he enjoys) I occasionally bribe him in at the start of term when cold feet are worst. Along the lines of if you go then we can go to park/get ice cream etc on the way home. He almost never has come out saying anything except it was brilliant and he can't wait for next week (and then we go through the whole palaver again the next week!)

[MattDillonsPants]

It is hard OP but it's not a label...it's a diagnoses. He will get help...you should also get DLA if he does receive a DX and that will help you to do more things for him to help him.

[weebarra]

Thanks Witch. I did do that, it didn't make a difference. I felt sad for both of them, DS2 was upset he didn't get to do his activity.

[imip]

My 7yo would do this. We have huge issues with her putting her seat belt on to go places we need to go (that is, everywhere). It enrages me, but it is not deliberate. It is a result of her anxiety and her ASD. I really do think that a 'label' is helpful, not least to help you look at your child's challenges from a different point of view.

I have 4 dcs Born within 5years. They frequently suffer as a result of dads challenging behaviour. Her meltdowns, her violence, too many challenges to articulate. She is very demand avoidant and highly anxious, we are currently seeing cahms weekly to help unpick her. But the diagnosis (which we fought for for over two years) has enabled her siblings to understand why dd has challenges, and it's helped did understand her challenges. It's small comfort during a melt down or challenging behaviour (she bit me yesterday!), but she's not doing it deliberately, and I'm sure did feels worse than we do when this is all happening.

I honestly believe that the only way to 'fix' this situation is to seek a diagnosis and see if it is at the heart of your dcs behaviour. If not, maybe the parenting course will help. Fwiw, reward charts wouldn't help with dd, fraught with too much anxiety!

[Kleinzeit]

You might find it helps to bribe your DS to do the “first step” – like telling him you have a couple of kit-kats in the car and he (and his brother) can have one as soon as he’s in. Or whatever other temptation would overcome his resistance. Once I got my DS over the first “hump” his routine-following would kick in and he’d do the rest of the trip quite happily. (Though kids vary!)

I would get the formal diagnosis too. On the one hand there was a lot more to the diagnosis than just the “label” - the diagnostic assessments went a long way to clarify exactly what my DS was struggling with, why some things were so hard for him, and that in turn helped me figure out ways to get past the blocks, and where to look for the right help and advice and support. I had to use a lot of non-standard parenting strategies and adapt a lot of others to suit my DS’s needs. And on the other hand the diagnosis was a gateway to some of the extra help he needed to join in with ordinary things.

Wishing you and your children all the best