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Angry daughter. I'm at the end of my tether. So desperate for help

(10 Posts)
Overcookedshrimp Sun 17-Apr-16 22:10:24

My daughter has always been an angry volatile child, she was even an angry baby. I love her dearly, she is very clever and funny she makes great comversation and can be so charming. She is also angry and manipulative and violent. Shes 11 and although she is incredibly clever and described by her teacher as a maths genius she hates school, much of our arguments stem from this, she refuses to get up in the morning, swears and me and her dad, kicks and screams and has to be dragged to school. She also frequently hurts her siblings and can be incredibly spiteful one moment and incredibly sweet the next. She hates the noise of people eating and it's almost become a fixation yet she seems to purposefully put herself right next to someone eating almost so she can complain.

I'm at the end of my tether she has always been hard work but recently it seems like a major crisis she is violent, trashes things kicks walls, swears incessantly. I feel whatever I'm doing is ineffective and I'm starting to feel that she almost certainly has mental health issues it's like living with two people in one body. There is a history of schizophrenia in the family but I thought it was rarer for girls? I am almost certain she is a sociopath but am worried if I tell her gp or school they'll think its me, school never see the terrible behaviour. I'm so frightened that as it starts to escalate she will be harder and harder to manage. I just don't know what to do.

OP’s posts: |
MattDillonsPants Mon 18-Apr-16 02:42:46

I'm just guessing here...from a couple of things you've said, is it possible she's on the spectrum?

Struggling all day at school to deal with the overload there, it's very common for children on the spectrum to then let it all out once they get home.

Out2pasture Mon 18-Apr-16 02:47:21

start by speaking to her/your gp. depression and anger can go hand in hand.

Overcookedshrimp Mon 18-Apr-16 09:14:31

Almost 100% certain she isn't on the spectrum. I don't think she is depressed either.

OP’s posts: |
Kleinzeit Mon 18-Apr-16 18:04:05

That sounds really difficult to live with and it also sounds as if your DD might have some underlying problems. It's hard to say what the problem might be though. She's probably not feeling all that happy inside either so it would be worth trying to get some help for her.

It's worth keeping an open mind about autism-spectrum. I'm not at all saying she has an ASC but she does have a few potential signs and AScs can look very different in girls. Have you looked into Pathological Demand Avoidance at all? It's a fairly new addition to the list of ASCs and it might account for some (though maybe not all) of your DD's behaviour.

In any case, given how extreme and unmanageable her behaviour is at home, you could go to the GP and asking for a referral, possibly to CAMHS (Children's Mental Health Services), to find out what's going on. Make a list of some specific examples of her behaviour in different situations, unusual behaviour, the things that seems to trigger her temper and aggression.

One other thing that might help a bit is to look at Explosive Child. It has good strategies for some children who have massive outbursts over (seemingly) nothing much, especially when ordinary discipline seems to be making things worse not better. And it doesn't depend on any particular diagnosis or condition, you can just use the strategies if it seems to suit your DD.

I hope that you and your DD find a way forward flowers

expotition Mon 18-Apr-16 21:01:13

I have no relevant parenting experience here but a thought: is school very boring academically and/or very challenging socially? Are you able to talk about it with her when she's calm? I remember school at that age being a mixture of work that was way too easy and friendships that were way too volatile. I would have appreciated being able to sit with a more advanced textbook in class rather than practising things I'd already got the hang of until the rest of the class had caught up. I also would have appreciated some kind of decoder for pubescent social dynamics - no idea if such a thing exists!

Obviously that wouldn't rule out mental health issues and she's going to need to find ways to express her anger more constructively, but it can't do any harm to understand where her feelings are coming from.

imip Tue 19-Apr-16 06:37:19

Yes, I'd consider ASD also. It can present very differently in girls. My dd was presenting with problems you describe at age 3-4. Strong history of schizophrenia in my family also, I was quite concerned. In doing lots of research, I realised actually she had ASD and that my brother also has ASD. It took over 2 years to be diagnosed as even the 'experts' are uneducated as to the presentation of ASD in girls. Dd also has PDA. It's bloody hard work.

I believe schizophrenia is more likely to present itself in teenage yrs, so I'd say she'd be too young for it (happy to be told otherwise). Perhaps do a bit of reading on ASD in girls and PDA and see if it rings any bells??? flowers

Nugey75 Sat 24-Feb-18 21:00:39

My daughter is 11 and has angry outbursts pretty much every day. She was a handful as a baby, didn’t sleep through until she was 3 and has always been very demanding. She is bright and has always been top of the class. She fights with her 8yr old sister and becomes physical
Because she is impatient and has a very short fuse. She ‘fights’ me every day; anything I ask of her is met with anger and disrespect. She has a very lovely sweet side too! She does have her thoughtful sweet moments most days but this is overshadowed by her other behaviour. I’ve tried talking with her, giving her consequences and rewards but this is constant. Does anyone else have the same trouble or can you offer any advice please?!

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Sun 25-Feb-18 21:57:23

I’m guessing that she’s in Year 7? I’m not sure and I could be wrong but I thought from your post that your DD is displaying many of the signs of being on the spectrum. We’ve been reading up on it recent,y in girls and from what I understand their behaviour often gets worse when they start high school.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Sun 25-Feb-18 21:59:16

Sorry, I’ve just realised that this thread is almost 2 years old.

Nugey id start your own thread in the Preteens section smile

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