I really need some advice about my 4 yo as he is becoming more and more difficult to handle. It has got to the point where my incredibly mild-mannered and patient husband says he hates being at home with him and flies off the handle at him in a way I have never seen him act before.
I love DS to bits, he is loving and can be very kind but I feel like he is spiralling out of control emotionally and I am really worried that I am losing him. The problem is: generally unless he is having one-one attention and gets exactly what he wants he is disruptive – ie if I am sitting playing duplo with him, he is a dream, if we are looking round a museum with him and another friend and the other friend wants to do something different to him, he will kick off spectacularly saying he hates the other activity, falls on the floor, screams loudly etc; if you ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do like get dressed he will throw a fit; he is very antisocial at school – makes faces at the other children and calls them names repeatedly to the point of making them cry, makes really loud noises in the their face, messes up things they are doing etc – when we (rarely) have play dates, I wonder how he will ever have any friends as he is so dreadful to the other children; about half the time at school he is disruptive and says he hates it and other days we get glowing reports.
I wondered whether anyone has any advice. Over the years we have tried all the traditional methods – reward charts / rewards / time-out / time-in etc – I tried being very strict but found that it made absolutely no difference and just made me miserable so we now try Dr Laura’s approach which is being kind / listening / lots of cuddles etc, but it seems to make no difference at all. On paper he has a text book upbringing – lots and lots of love, time on his own with both parents + grandparents + extended family; lots of exercise, lots of free play etc – I have read all the books and know how important all these things are.
Everyone I know loves giving me advice as to what we should / shouldn’t be doing – too strict / not strict enough etc, and I feel like saying I know, I am trying, every minute of every day I am trying and nothing seems to work! Anyway, grateful for any feedback – it is the being unpleasant to others aspect I struggle with the most, I can handle tantrums etc, but he just seems to get on so badly with his peers and always has done and I don’t know how to change this. I don’t think he is on any spectrum as he his communication skills are excellent (it’s just unfortunate that most of the time he communicates that he doesn’t want to do stuff or hates things), and some of the time he can be amazing – like the girl with the curl – when she was good she was very very good and when she was bad she was horrid! Anyway, grateful for any advice on how to handle this, sorry for the long post!
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DS 4 out of control, at the end of our teather, advice needed!
lolacola1977 · 22/02/2016 16:07
Hello didn't want to read and not reply! He sounds like hard work tbh, have you read the 'how to talk so kids will listen...' book?
I found that one the most useful when at the end of the tether with dd, also I found that age 4-5yo to be hard work behaviour wise - it did get better!!
You sound like a lovely mum 
That sounds really tough. What do his teachers think? It doesn’t necessarily sound like autism-spectrum but such an extreme need for control and one-to-one attention, the anti-social behaviour and fit-throwing, not getting on with kids his own age, they could just possibly be some variant of autism spectrum. Have you looked in to PDA (pathological demand avoidance)? And when you say his communication skills are excellent, is he good at listening and following the turns of a conversation, or does he tend to do all the talking? There are other possibilities too, like severe anxiety, which might also be worth looking into.
So whether or it is autism spectrum or not, given the level of struggle you are having with him and his real social difficulties, I would go to the GP and ask for help. Maybe get some assessment for him. You may get pointed at a parenting group first of all; if you do then go along because if you’re lucky you might get some more ideas on how to improve things, and if they don’t improve then that’s more evidence to take to the GP.
I agree that “How to Talk…” is good. If the levels of tantrums and negativity are really extreme then you might want to look at Explosive Child as well. And maybe try The Unwritten Rules of Friendship to help his him with his negativity and his behaviour towards other children.
My goodness, you could be describing my DS. Mine isn't at school yet though - starts in September.
We're at our wits' end too. He's always been a"challenge", made harder because his older brother is very easy going, but he is just getting worse and worse. On the school run for example I get a barrage of abuse - I won't carry him/he's too cold/ his brother dares to walk in front of him/it's a day with a 'y' in it - including being hit and called all manner of names. I can't tell you how many times he calls me an idiot every day. I try ignoring the obnoxious behaviour, or taking away privileges, but nothing works.
He is also a menace with other children. He picked a fight with a 7 year old at the weekend - the 7 year old came off worse. We can't spend time with friends as he teases them or winds them up constantly. He also constantly picks on DS1, who is 6. They'll be watching tv, and DS2 will just shuffle across the sofa and kick him in the head. He is awful. And yet at other (admittedly few) times, he is a delight.
I honestly don't know what to do at about my DS and I wonder where we've gone wrong 
.
Sorry for the long reply but just wanted to let you know we're in a similar boat to you!
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I agree, sometimes he seems like he's had some kind of trauma, but he really hasn't, the opposite, sometimes i wonder if he has too much love and attention and it has spectacularly backfired! Anyway, thank you all so much for your responses, it is really helpful and bizarrely comforting to hear what other people have tried / or think as complete outsiders. Based on some of the responses, DH and I have come up with the following plan: we need to both support each other to be calmer and more gentle with him, even though it is almost impossible. At times he provokes DH on purpose and keeps pushing until he gets that response, which is a bad pattern to be in, DH needs to break that, as DS isn’t able to; DH is going to take him out for a walk at least once on the weekend - their relationship is badly in need of repair; we are going to have a word which either of us will say to the other one when we are getting angry, like Dr Laura (!); we are going to lay down the ground rules before we go out with the consequences so he knows what to expect; we need to recognise the fact that he is actually a lot better than he used to be – he played without incident in the playground yesterday which would have been impossible a year ago and he is getting on beautifully with DD – we should do everything we can to encourage that; We are going to try it for 3 months and if it hasn’t made a difference by then, we should get outside help – family counselling or something...sounds so easy doesn't it 
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