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Behaviour/development

Any ideas? screaming at night?

15 replies

barmybird · 27/12/2006 18:12

My DD who is 4 has taken to waking at night at around 3 or 4am. She starts by snivelling, its not a distressed sound just I'm awake sound. If I don't go to her this will slowly escalate to full blown screaming. Again if I agnore this she will get out of bed and try and get into bed with me. If I tell het to go back to bed she just stands by my bed staring at me! she can keep this up for quite a while! I have asked her about this and why she does it, she told me twice that she just wanted a cuddle and another time that she wanted her daddy (he doesn't live with us, we left him over a year ago).

I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. I know it sounds mean but I really can't be doing this 3 out of 5 work nights. I'm exhausted. My x tells me that she doesn't do this at all when she is with him (not sure if I believe that or not, he likes to make me feel like he is a better parent).

Any ideas? I wondered if its all part of being unsettled swaping between mine and my X's but my friend tells me it just sounds like the behaviour of a normal 4 year old pushing their boundaries.

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Scootergirl · 27/12/2006 18:24

Rewarding her for staying in her own bed all night? You can get those timers which make a light come on when it's time to get up and my DD who's 3 responds really well to the whole bribery thing

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barmybird · 27/12/2006 18:29

We have until now had a deal that she can get into bed with me when she hears the music (my radio alarm). When she waits till the music we do have a lovely cuddle and chat. When she does the screaming at night I don't let her into my bed in the morning- is that too hard?

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Scootergirl · 27/12/2006 18:31

Only you know really whether the screaming is an attention thing or whether something really is wrong? What does your gut instinct tell you? Apart from that you're bloody tired

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barmybird · 27/12/2006 18:43

Thats just it I don't know. I know when she starts snivelling that she is not distressed. If she was I would go to her not a problem. But when she is screaming like a wild thing I start to blame myself, and worry that its all because of the marriage breakup. I don't know if I'm being too hard on her. She flits between the 2 of us (mainly with me but she does have set times with her dad). Her dad and I get on (now I don't have to live with him . I THINK she is just being naughty, but if thats the case how do I deal with it? I don't have a lot of patience at that time of night, I'm a person who needs alot of sleep! I took her dolly off her the other night because she was so naughty, then felt awful but I just don't know how to get through to her. If I'm honest I feel a bit of a failure

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juuule · 27/12/2006 19:10

I think at around 4yo a child's imagination gets into full swing. Some children experience particularly vivid dreams (night-terrors). While it doesn't sound as if your dd is having night-terrors it is possible that once she comes to in the early hours, her imagination runs wild and she is unable to settle back to sleep. She could be genuinely frightened. She may be just going through a phase of needing reassurance. Maybe if you had a camp bed in your room or something (we've done this with ours at times) so that she could get into that if she woke too early. Eventually as it passes and she becomes more relaxed she won't wake up and even if she does she will start to settle herself.

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Scootergirl · 27/12/2006 19:43

Don't feel sad - you're doing a bloody hard job and all by yourself. The camp bed idea is a good one though - you could tell her that if she gets scared she can get into that and be near you and hopefully she won't disturb you.

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juuule · 27/12/2006 23:44

I just wanted to add that I agree it's a bloomin' tough job you've got there. If you've got to get up for work,too then you've got to find what works for you both during this phase. You need your sleep and she needs reassurance. Find whatever works for you both. To heck with what your x says. You don't know if what x says is true or not. What you do know is what is happening with you and your dd. That's what needs looking at. It will pass but these things sometimes feels like murder till they do.

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kitbit · 28/12/2006 01:13

might be totally off the mark, but are you sure she's fully awake? could it be a mixture of night terrors/sleepwalking? I used to potter about in a semiawake state when I was little and mum could have quite detailed conversations with me. Does she remember it all the next day?

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sallyhollyberry · 28/12/2006 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barmybird · 28/12/2006 18:09

Thanks all. I don't think its night terrors, the whimpering just seems to escalate gradually to screaming if I don't get out of bed and go to her. She does seem to be awake and is fully aware of her behaviour when I talk to her in the morning. She never mentions being scared, its things like she just wanted a cuddle, or her blankets pulling up etc. When she has a bad dream its very different, then its full blown screaming from the start!

I'm not sure about the idea of a camp bed as I want her to stay in her room not come through to me. Plus I would still end up disturbed as she is a very noisy and restless sleeper. I want to persevere with the idea that she has her own room and that is were she stays until morning. But how do I do that?

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kitbit · 29/12/2006 10:09

We've just been working through the "no cry sleep solution for toddlers" by elizabeth pantley, in there is a bit about how to teach them to settle themselves back to sleep without the need for help from mummy, gently and kindly and without tears. Has really worked for us, and elizabeth pantley asks some really good questions to make you think about how you could tailor her approach exactly right for your lo's personality and particular "problem" area. Might be worth a read?
We also found that when ds's sleep patterns go wrong it means he needs us to change something else in his day, such as the timing of a meal, or needing more physical activity, or needing a bigger/warmer/different/etc drink at bedtime. Could be anything but the point is that we've found we need to look at his whole day in order to help fix his sleep. But he is only 2 and I know your dd will also be influenced by a greater understanding of what's going on in her world so not sure if that's relevant!

Good luck x

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paddingtonbear1 · 29/12/2006 10:29

barmybird my dd (3.5) has also just started doing this. She's always been a good sleeper in her own bed - until two weeks ago, when she suddenly started crying at 2-3am. When I went in to her she said she wanted cuddles and to sleep in our bed. Dh doesn't mind but I do! I've no idea why she's started doing this, (I don't think she's ill), but I try and keep her in her own bed until morning when she can get in with us. She just doesn't seem to like being on her own all of a sudden. At the moment I do my best to settle her back down, then I leave the room saying 'mummy will be back in a minute', then increase the time to 5 mins, then 10. It's worked for a couple of nights. I suspect it's a phase and eventually (I hope) things will revert to normal.

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barmybird · 29/12/2006 16:13

Thanks. I guess I'm going to have to get out and reassure her and hope it is a short phase!

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paddingtonbear1 · 30/12/2006 11:48

we've just been to the in-laws for Xmas, where dd's sleeping was a bit hit and miss. Since we got back though, she's been much better. So far!!

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barmybird · 30/12/2006 20:40

Have solved the problem! since I posted this she has stopped! I get to sleep undisturbed again.

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