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Natural consequences for aggressive behaviour?

(5 Posts)
Kinderegg50 Sun 07-Feb-16 13:39:55

I have a very very lively 3 year old boy. I'm a lone parent and wonder if that factors into some of the behaviour problems. My little one is getting better and I have worked really hard to learn how to manage some tough behaviour problems. Things are much better than a while back, I work hard not to shout ( the way I was parented), read loads on natural consequences etc and apply that as much as i can. At times however, my little boy can get so enraged towards me only that he is physically very tough to manage, he hits, kicks, comes for me in the most severely enraged state and is so out of it that I cannot reason. He can also damage his toys, things of mine etc when like this. One of the problems is that this triggers alot of anger in me at times andbi have to use alot of my focus to calm myself so I don't react. I have tried to contain him and have removed myself from the room on the occasions I'm finding it too much so that I can calm down. I have been doing the nice calm you can't hit people chat when hebhas calmed down but there really is no natural consequence. I'm reading about the no punishment approach but it feels wrong to just empathise and talk about it with nothing else. He doesn't do this with dad as dad would not tolerate this at his house. I get all the crap - which many mums may relate to! When toys have been attacked, I take them and nicely explain that they have to go until he can learn to manage the behaviour better and not damage things. He then gets them back the next day. I don't know if that's too soft or not. With the aggression, when its real bad I just don't know how else to deal with it. Punishment doesn't feelright at all as he is out of it when he gets like this sometimes. Yet, I am terrified it will escalate if there isn't a consequence, but what is a natural non punitive punishment to that!? I have some physical health problems and am quite slight, he is already a big strong boy at 3 and a half and I am a lone parent with no partner.
I have recently asked him to go tonhis bedroom to calm himself if he is trashing things and shouting but not attacking me. I say it calmly but firmly. I say he needs to calm himself and so do I and then I'll be here waiting. He often says no. Do I force him? I have lost it in the last and have physically forced him upstairs. I have done this because I lost it. I know alot of that has been a fear of having no control of my child and how things are going to pan out for us. I have had to withdraw us from groups etc because we stood out so much with bad behaviour and him clobbering me terribly when I have said nicely we have to leave. ( due to out of control behaviour or me seeing he is getting worked up and too giddy- which canboftwn lead to a meltdown)
Do any of you have extreme child wobblies out in public where you have to remove them but struggle? Due to severity of outbursts at times, his strength and my physical weakness I am sometimes becoming a bit nervous about the prospect of having to remove us from somewhere during a big, extreme kicking and screaming meltdown. I know I sound feeble but its becoming difficult at times as I am silently in some real pain from a BH number of horrible conditions.
I am trying desperately to understand what's behind the rage at times. He has been through a fair bit and I have also. I have shouted in the past which I now hardly ever do, despite constant challenges , never ending hyperactivity, testing, physical attacks, not listening to me, etc etc! :-) I do adore him, I just don't like having to deal with this aspect of him.
Sorry for the essay. Any words of advice or anyone who can relate would be great. I feel very isolated over all these issues and am sickbof the ' my child is better than yours' vibe I have received from some parents when I mention these issues.

Quoteunquote Sun 07-Feb-16 18:07:57

Is it noticeable when he is edging towards getting angry? Distraction can help.

I have always had an iron cast rule that if any of mine are doing themselves a disservice when out and about, no matter what the situation we make our apologies and leave instantly, go home do basic tasks/chores(no screens), eat bath bed. Boring alternative to what was happening.

I found that at that age if I gave a running commentary of happing and impending events I got a lot more cooperation.

"Do you remeber we are going to play group today?' "who might we see?"

"Ok, lets get ready to go out, what do we need? oh that's clever. your shoes, where do we find them?

Before we went in anywhere, " Now what do we have to do in here?"

"What do we have to do to stay here?' "What will make us go straight home?'get him to generate the ideas.

some children feel ambushed by life and need on going dialogue then they feel lest like resisting on principal,

Be prepared to sacrifice a few plans, until it sinks in , that if he does himself a disservice he will be removed from fun.

When you are shopping ask him to find the next item, ask him what to look for , explain if he helps all the way through he might get to choose something nice.

Once he feels effective at communicating with you he will be less frustrated with himself.

Jw35 Sun 07-Feb-16 18:27:05

Hi I must admit I skimmed a bit of your post but only because I got the gist straightaway.

Your child should never be allowed to hit you or be aggressive. Fuck not being negative in this situation, you're going against your natural instincts over someone else's theory.

Positive parenting and natural consequences are great but not if they are damaging the relationship you have with your son. The natural consequence for hitting you would be to hit back..but you can't do that so that theory is out! You can't be positive when you're being attracted so that ones out too!

Be cross, be angry. He shouldn't be allowed to treat you with such disrespect. Make aggressive behaviour an absolute no no in your house. It's gone way too far already. Tell him 'no' in a very firm voice and walk away from him in disgust. Let him know you find that behaviour absolutely unacceptable.

Without respect for you any other discipline method is a complete waste of time

lilithxx16 Sun 07-Feb-16 23:31:34

I have posted also about my son's aggressive behaviour and I know how hard it is. When they are in the grip of rage not much will get through to them. I suspect that a lot of this is due to your son's natural temperament. I have 2 and one is a gentle soul. The other is like a volcano about to blow. Routine, adequate sleep, nutrition all help of course, but still...

I like the fact that you talk to your son, because you are building his values. Taking a toy away will effect him for a day or two, but strong values will stay with him for life.

I would suggest that you speak to your HV, or someone else outside the situation, because you are emotionally involved which makes it difficult to think clearly about this.
Not everyone has to parent a challenging child. Perhaps others should stop judging you and start admiring you.

hownottofuckup Sun 07-Feb-16 23:44:19

DD2 used to get beside herself at that age. I had the idea that she lost control and didn't like it as I can be like that and was a lot during my pregnancy with her.
I used to sit by her, no touching, sat on the floor so I was on her level and speak very soothingly saying she needed to calm down and talk to me, tell me the problem, as I could see she was upset but I couldn't help her unless she calmed down and spoke to me so I could help her.
It took a bit of perseverance but it did work. I was worried that her emotions could overwhelm her and wanted to help her deal with them. I remembered feeling so sad and afraid myself at times I would rage and become out of control, all I really wanted was someone to take control and help me control it. I would push them away initially but what I really craved was love and control of myself.
This doesn't mean being 'soft', it's asking him to calm himself enough to tell you the problem so you can help him fix it. At that age, calm himself enough to tell you the problem so you can fix it for him!
Might sound wishywashy but it did work, and I used to (still at times) find her so infuriating!
You kind of need to get into a very kind, loving authoritarian role if that makes sense.

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