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Out and about issues - losing the will

(17 Posts)
XIIILC Thu 04-Feb-16 13:25:47

Hi all,

Really losing the will with my nearly 3 year old. When I go out and about with him, he refuses to walk, he'll just throw himself about. He refuses to be carried, he'll just wiggle and kick until I put him down. Then he won't walk and will want to be carried again. He also won't get in his pram, he'll scream the entire time and plank so hard he just slides out before I can even strap him in. If I manage to strap him in, he'll put his feet down on the ground when the pram is moving, so they're dragging. I'm afraid he'll get hurt. The other day he decided to stick his feet down in front of the curb, the pram tipped, luckily I had a good hold of it, but it really hurt me.

I don't know what to do, I can't go out alone with him, he's a very big built kid and I can't manage to constantly lift him up and down. I have reallly bad plantur fasciitis in one foot too which doesn't help. I also have something wrong with my pelvis so I'm constantly in pain. It's bad enough that I struggle with going out at it is, and I'm really worried this situation is going to push me back into being afraid to go outside again

rageagainsttheBIL Thu 04-Feb-16 16:38:54

Sounds tough. Would he go on a scooter or balance bike? Where are you going when he's like this? Do you go out a lot?

XIIILC Thu 04-Feb-16 16:48:19

Am actually thinking of getting him a scooter for his birthday in March. He seems to like them in the shops so hopefully that will help? I'm just a little worried about him falling off it. I'm quite tall so I'd have to stoop low to hold the handle bars with him.

Err, I go out a lot more when my partner is about, a lot less when its just me. I don't have a car and live in the city (a very boring city with just shopping), so there's not a lot to do. Mostly when we go out its for a walk into town or a few miles down to the supermarket, or to the nearest decent park

TweeterandtheMonkeyman Thu 04-Feb-16 16:50:06

Hello, are you me?? DS is exactly the same & the same age. Taking the scooter sometimes helps but he either goes terrifyingly fast or grinds to a halt for no apparent reason hmm My main worry is he'll go flying into an innocent passerby ... Things are worse when he's tired\ hungry and I use shameless bribery to get him into the pushchair when I need too, but even that doesn't work for long and he also does the leg dragging thing (tall for his age) . I HAVE to do the school run twice a day and tbh he's reduced me to tears a few times..if I really can't face it, I drive the 10 min walk blush . Sorry no advice but I assume if I manage to keep him alive it will improve with age! DD used to hold my hand and walk nicely everywhere so I know it's not our parenting if that helps at all!

XIIILC Thu 04-Feb-16 16:50:10

He'll do it all the time. Doesn't matter where or when. He'll even do it while walking to the bins

XIIILC Thu 04-Feb-16 16:52:10

You know what, it helps to know I'm not alone! I do not blame you for the drive, or even the bribes. Sometimes I just can't 've bothered with the fight and bribe him into his pram =( I feel bad for doing it but I know I'll not get anything done otherwise

TweeterandtheMonkeyman Thu 04-Feb-16 17:03:29

Don't feel bad, just do what you have to do to get through it & before you know it you'll be through this phase and into the next one!

VagueIdeas Thu 04-Feb-16 17:06:42

I remember once having to push the buggy balanced on its back two wheels, because DD was screaming and planking and her feet would have been dragging on the floor otherwise.

Fun times. Not hmm

No solutions, only sympathy. She made my life hell out and about from 10 months until about two and a half. I'm dreading DC2 turning out the same wine

SauvignonPlonker Thu 04-Feb-16 17:31:25

My DD is the same, if it's any consolation probably not. She'll be 3 in April & is "strong-willed".

I'm just trying to tell myself that it's a stage, and will get better.

In the meantime, it's grim.

rageagainsttheBIL Thu 04-Feb-16 18:33:16

What happens if you go out without trying to go anywhere, IYSWIM - at his pace?

You can get straps for scooters do you can pull them along more easily too.

Also as a last resort a bigger buggy?? Maybe 2nd hand? So he at least can't drag his feet when you have to go out.

Also you may want to go out but I would take pressure off yourself feeling like you have to. Kids are often happier just playing at home IME.

Finally does he go to nursery etc? My son's coordination, willingness to walk etc seems to have got much better since we changed nurseries (they are v active with a great outside space).

XIIILC Fri 05-Feb-16 14:33:38

rageagainsttheBIL - I don't know what IYSWIM means, but he'll still get difficult even just walking aimlessly.

I have a bigger buggy but downsized as I'm in a top floor flat with no lift, I can't manage to take the bigger one out, which is a shame because it's lovely.

He doesn't go to nursery, I can't afford to. I also don't have any friends or know anyone with kids. Do you think it might be related?

Thanks everyone for reassuring me =) it does feel better to know its not just me. I feel like I can lump it now, just see it through. He is generally really well behaved so I guess he's allowed something

rageagainsttheBIL Fri 05-Feb-16 18:42:25

He's entitled to free preschool hours when he's 3 (assuming you are in UK) which will give you a bit of a break and maybe help him with getting used to running around etc... Although you'll still have to get him there!

That's annoying for you about the big buggy, do you have a storage cupboard or something even belonging to a neighbour you could use? Or could your partner take it downstairs in the morning for you and leave it in the hall out of the way perhaps?

If he's generally well behaved apart from this then sounds like you're doing well on balance!! It will pass

Boomerwang Sat 06-Feb-16 19:07:21

IYSWIM - If You See What I Mean.

My daughter isn't so bad (nearly 4) but you cannot count on her to walk a straight line. Despite repeated warnings, threats and scolding she still steps out into the road for a puddle, a stick, a fag end or shinies or whatever. The more you try to speed up, the more she slows down, yet runs to you in a panic the further away you get. Her daycare is only a 'five' minute walk away, maximum of ten minutes if you really go slow, but I have to admit when I had a job which started only 30 minutes after her daycare opened I just stuck her in the pushchair because I couldn't stand to be even a minute late as I had to cycle uphill all the way to work. I remember being the same with my mum. When you don't know where you are going or you are going somewhere you don't care about, it's a double injury to be forced to do it quickly without stopping to smell the roses.

I think a scooter might help. Get a three wheeled 'micro' scooter (my daughter has one, it's easy to steer) and a helmet plus knee/elbow pads if you are near high kerbs a lot and make a game out of who can be the quickest to reach a certain point. There are scooter straps so you can drag him along if he gets tired/bored. Even if you're taking a trip on a bus or round a supermarket, if he'll scoot around then let him. Assuming he's not zipping along at breakneck speed of course... The reason for a scooter over a tricycle is the space it takes up, plus he has to remain standing up to use it.

ThisiswhatIwant Sun 07-Feb-16 13:37:20

Hi OP I clicked on this wondering whether you were having similar issues to me (which I think you are but my DD is younger) and hoping for some advice too! You are not alone.. rather than start another similar thread I'll describe what my DD is doing and what I've tried..

Basically she gets really eager to go out for a 'walk', demands it. We'll go out, then when we are a certain distance from the house, she'll demand to be picked up.

She's just gone 2 and I'm not very big just over 5ft, so she's already getting quite heavy for me to carry.

The real problem is a day like today.. we go out with her dolly in the toy pushchair, she happily gets to our destination. I pick up some shopping so now have a shopping bag. Then as soon as we start to head home, she wants to be carried. When I say no but you can hold my hand, she sits on the floor and no amount of cajoling, scolding or anything will move her. She will migrate from sitting, to lying down, on a soaking wet pavement. She has a lot of endurance for staying there (half an hour) and looking pitiful/wailing to get my attention and passers by attention.

I end up caving to her, partly because I'm so embarrassed and doing my best to carry her, the shopping and the pushchair/baby, even uphill, by shifting her from one hip to the other, but it takes all my strength.

I've tried holding out once and she did eventually get up and walk. It did take half an hour and I was really cold by the time we started moving again.

Passers by either look/comment in an 'oh, I feel for you, we've all been there' fashion, or glare/make some comment. I had one woman out dog walking actually pick her up and bring her to me when I had just walked a few paces away saying look how dirty she is.. which wasn't helpful, and she was in a snowsuit and wellies that day so there was only so dirty she could get stupid woman bet she'd have a fit if I picked up her dog

The advice I've had from parents with say, 4 children is that they would just leave the child there and hold out until they get up and learn that you are not going to pick them up.. In your case, you can't not go anywhere, or practice this when you are in a hurry, but maybe there is somewhere (park?) you could go for a few days running, when not in a rush, but pretend you are going somewhere, then let him do his thing on the ground, don't give in to it, see how long it takes, use positive encouragement the rest of the time - kind of super nanny style? I'm suggesting this because it's what I need to try before DD gets any bigger.

If anyone else has any suggestions, happy to hear them!

Boomerwang Mon 08-Feb-16 07:27:26

Hi This my daughter used to do that too, but not for half an hour at a time. I called her bluff and walked away, saying that Mummy was going home whether she came with me or not.

At two years of age this did not work. She happily got up and wandered off. She didn't look back. I watched from a distance, hiding in some bushes, expecting her to panic and run after me, or at least to start crying and looking insecure. Nope, she just toddled off towards a drain cover and started throwing grit down it.

I don't know what happens to trigger it, but as of three years of age she understood being alone and would cry out and run after me if I walked too far.

Perhaps she's too young to understand? And by saying this I mean that perhaps a solution lies with not putting her in that position for the time being. I don't mean just leave her at home or get someone else to live life for you both, I mean get her in a pushchair and take away the opportunity for her to dig her feet in. I threw my kid in her cosatto up to the age of 3.5 just for the quiet life when I knew she'd make a necessary trip into a tiresome battle of wills.

There are other ways, of course, like taking time to find out what she'd enjoy doing outside, making it fun to walk using tools (kicking/throwing a stone was a great success at that age) or toys (hockey stick and ball/puck) but if you assess the journey first and decide you really can't deal with or have time for a faff about, take the responsibility for walking out of her hands.

Boomerwang Mon 08-Feb-16 07:33:29

Just one more thing: I've learnt that once my kid has sat down in a temper and won't move then nothing I say will make her change her mind and decide it'd be good to get up. Her mind says 'I'm staying here. I am not moving. I don't care what you say'

But if you stop trying to make her move it gets boring as there's no longer a challenge. You don't have to leave. Point to a leaf and say 'woahhhhh a caterpillar!' or hop on one leg on paving slabs a few times. Look around and figure out what would be interesting to see for the first time (as a child) and fixate on it and eventually her desire to participate will win over.

I don't often take my own advice, but it's the only thing that works when my daughter has shut out my voice and refuses to give in.

snowman1 Thu 11-Feb-16 14:35:26

I was just about to post the same for advice. i have just taken my older child to school it's Canada so a -18 wind chill. She is 3.5 but refused to walk the 200m she can do it, and I can carry her but have been really stubborn about not doing so.We took about 20 mins of tears this am to do that 200m.
I get loads of looks from other parents too as all she has done for the past few weeks is cry! Then she gets home and is really upset about how upset she was gah!!! She can tantrum for ages too... I have tried to be fun, just make it to the red car, march, break the ice up, bribery.. I wonder what the next stage will be. She also hasn't been in a buggy for about 1.5 years as she refused to sit in that too.

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