How do I make my DD more Emotionally Resilient?(12 Posts)
DD age7 went to bed crying as she was very upset by one of the children on her table at school kissing another child's book because she thought it was the wrong thing to do.
She is the youngest in her Year 3 class and although one of the brightest, she seems to take everything to heart.
How can I encourage her to be more resilient?
I'm trying to understand what it was about the book kissing that left her so distressed.
Was she worried on behalf of the other children (perhaps concerned they would be punished for doing the wrong thing)?
Does she like rules and happily obey them, while struggling to understand how other children can comfortably flout them?
Did they tease her for wanting to stick to "the rules"?
Was the problem with kissing (that she thinks it should only happen in certain circumstances) or with the messing around when they should have been being sensible?
Once you understand what triggered her reaction, then you will be better placed to help her. But I am wondering if she feels that she must be in control of situations and sure of the possible outcomes or else she feels overwhelmed (how is this all going to end?) by the uncertainty. Maybe modelling behaviour where you can show her how you cope with situations that are unpredictable and worrying, might reassure her and give her some ideas on how to cope?
I'm trying to understand what it was about the book kissing that left her so distressed
If she has any hint of ASD, incorrect behaviour will be very upsetting for her. There are ways things should be done, so don't deviate from those ways. If people are going to kiss books, what are they going to do next? Their germs will be on the book, too. And they have demonstrated ownership/power/dominance by treating a book according to their wishes not the general rule.
Aspie girls are very, very sensitive. Aspergers people feel things more intensely than others, which is why a lot of them close out as much as they can.
Whatever her circumstances, Aspergers or not (check it out), filling her up with love, reassuring her that she understands the right way to do things and that other people can do things differently if they wish, will help her.
DS has always been very sensitive, and tbh probably a little oversensitive.
He started doing Martial Arts - not a specific one, it's aimed at a more all round thing, focusing on the mind as much as anything else. It's also taught him a combination of self defence skills which in turn gives him more confidence.
The improvement has been amazing, although he is a little older than your DD.
persp the reason she was upset was that she thought kissing the book was a very unkind/inappropriate thing to do.
timely she has no hint of ASD.
Is it possible she was just super tired and looking for an explanation for feeling weepy?
My two have both had phases where they cried over peculiar things at bedtime. Eventually, I realised it wasn't the event that had upset them - it was just that they were tired and tearful and needed an explanation for it.
My daughter is the same, and I had almost the same incident. My daughter believes in the Rules, and if others don't do what they should/what the teacher says, then it makes her uncomfortable.
now age 9 she cries a lot less, and is holding her feelings in more (except with me as I am her Mum so I get all the emotional crap as well as the nice bits!)
I did used to say to my daughter that is was ok to cry, but best at home and in private with family etc. X
I now think, they are who they are, and you can't change them. She will be strong on Emotional Intelligence, and that goes a long way.
I don't think you can make her be anything that's not in her character. You could help her accept her emotions, be validating her feelings and listening to her worries, and let her cry if that's what she needs.
Learning emotions are nothing to be afraid of will set her up for a more peaceful time as a sensitive soul.
I think it will just come with time. School seems very emotionally draining to me, so many rules from staff and friends must make it a very confusing and exhausting time with so much to process. I think tears for seemingly random things like this are part and parcel of it though it's sad to watch.
Is she an only child, OP?
My daughter is the same. Very sensitive and takes everything to heart. I put it down to her being an only child.
When you have a sibling, you are exposed (almost daily!) to arguments or fights and wrongdoings and urges to 'tell on' someone. The parents will be likely fed up of it and will often say 'sort it yourselves'. The children therefore gain the skills to stick up for themselves, to negotiate, and to resolve upsetting issues at a faster rate than their only-child peers who aren't exposed to conflict so often.
That's my theory anyway!
I came from a huge family. I was called names by my brothers every day and got into physical fights with my sister once every few weeks. My mum was fed up with our constant complaining about each other and never sorted arguments out for us. At the time, I resented her for it. But upon reflection, i see that her lack of interference actually helped me to conjure some amazing one-liners and a brilliant level of emotional resilience.
My advice would be:
Not to interfere when she is getting upset at small things e.g. going to the teacher about her being upset over kissing a book. Tell her why she should not be worried about this kind of thing and then move on. Don't dwell on it.
If she's upset about a silly name or something that someone has called her, ditto (unless, of course, it's persistent bullying). Don't go to the teacher on her behalf. Ask her what she thinks she should do in that situation. Maybe build her confidence to approach her teacher herself with the complaint, or give her a good comeback for future situations (one that won't get her into trouble).
If she does happen to have a sibling, stop interfering in their squabbles. Tell them to sort it out themselves.
Expose her to more situations where she can interact with peers to build her confidence and resilience. e.g. drama club, soft plays (these are great for developing resilience. She'll witness lots of wrongdoing and rule breaking, constant squabbles over the slides and 'he bumped into me!' complaints).
Feel free to completely ignore my advice of course. Reading it back, it does sound a tad awful. But it's what worked for my daughter.
What a wise old bunch you all are
Thank you so much for,all your amazing and refreshing advice. There's so much stuff I can and will use.
they are who they are, and you can't change them
After having 3 DCs I think I am trying to accept this!
zelda your advice is far from being a tad awful !! I think my problem is that I am the adult version of my daughter - overly emotional, extremely sensitive, sometimes lacking in confidence - and so I don't want her to experience the same worries as I did/do. Which goes back to accepting our children for who they are.
Studio I think she will get a PhD in Emotional Intelligence
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