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Does anyone else have a child who ALWAYS pushes the line?

(25 Posts)
margaritasbythesea Sun 10-Jan-16 22:34:30

My just 8yo is a lovely girl. She is absolutely perfectly behaved with everyone else but me. With me, she can also be well behaved and lovely but always has pushed every limit all the time over all the everyday things. An example would be bedtimes. Whereas with her younger brother I will have a variety of reactions to bedtime (pushing his luck, arguing, wanting to go, asking to go, being conspicuously a good boy) she will argue the toss every single time to the point at which I have to carry through with a consequence e.g. no story. She has got better in that in the past this would then explode into a full scale tantrum and now I get a bit of a strop and then we can talk about it. She knows exactly what she is doing and we can talk about it on that level but she doesn't know how to stop herself doing it and neither do I. We both get quite upset about this at times.

I have started to be a lot more careful about following through consequences quite swiftly rather than giving her more chances, and about keeping my cool with her, praising her when she does well and talking things through with her.

However, her birthday party today was another example. She has always been horrible after her party. She recognises it. She is cheeky and disrespectful and disobedient. She knows it, I know it. She takes the consequences. Nothing helps. I ended up saying today that I will think again about a party next year if this is the thanks I get. Crap of me I know. A consequence a year in advance. Sheesh. Just quite pointless and mean of me to say.

She did say sorry and then told me that she didn't know why she behaves like that and then this, which has quite upset me and is why I am writing this: that she doesn't understand why she can't just enjoy our time together, that she loves me more than anyone, and that one day she knows it will be over (when she is an adult) and she gets angry at herself for messing things up but she can't help it.

This sounds so awful to me and I am worried about her feeling so bad about herself at such a young age. DH says it is just because I am the focus of all her attention and that I don't do anything wrong, but I can't help feeling it should be better than this.

margaritasbythesea Mon 11-Jan-16 07:09:49

Bumping before work.

fitforflighting Mon 11-Jan-16 07:16:11

Gawd one of mine is like this. She doesn't seem to have a stop button. At that point that most kids would think crap I've gone to far I will get in big trouble now dd doesn't. She carries on past that point.
She has some additional needs but she also knows she's done it.

Soooosie Mon 11-Jan-16 07:25:24

I've 4. One is like this. She's wonderful, creative, insightful, deeply caring and sensitive but bloody wilful. Consistency, rewards, showing appreciation for being well behaved, appealing to her better side all help. It's hard work though. The other 3 are a walk in the park.

Soooosie Mon 11-Jan-16 07:28:24

I would follow through and make her only have a small low key party next year. But then maybe that's what she really needs. I recon the bad behaviour is linked to her feeling slightly overwhelmed with her party experience.

Soooosie Mon 11-Jan-16 07:31:51

She's worse when hungry, tired. Better when rested.

She's also very moral and makes very good judgments about other people.

Frusso Mon 11-Jan-16 07:45:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lighteningirl Mon 11-Jan-16 07:46:20

She's going to turn into an amazing and wonderful young woman mine did just don't let anyone crush her spirit flowers

margaritasbythesea Mon 11-Jan-16 07:58:15

Thanks very much for your replies. I haven't time to respond properly now but will later.

Lightning that's exactly what I am scared of - and that it will be me.

She hasn't recently started being difficult. She used to be a nightmare. Tantrums daily. Since 5 she has been improving. Also since she's had a hearing aid. I think partly we are fixed in old patterns with me constantly fire fighting and her expecting to be in trouble. It's gar work!

lighteningirl Mon 11-Jan-16 08:32:56

My dd was such a shock to me ds was first baby relatively easy slept thru from five weeks etc etc. Dd didn't sleep through til she was three, talking in sentences at eighteen months tantrums from day one really once screamed so badly in the night because she had to stand holding the bidet whilst I had a wee don't judge me it was the eighties My neighbours came round to check we were alright. She pushed every boundary but only with me but she was a model pupil loved by teachers did voluntary work all through her teenage years whilst being a monster to me.

uhoh2016 Mon 11-Jan-16 09:15:53

My 8yo also doesn't know when to stop either and pushes and pushes all the time, the simplest of things can lead to a full scale argument. He's very much like me I suppose we both always want the last word. Very frustrating

margaritasbythesea Mon 11-Jan-16 09:44:01

Lighteninggirl my next door neighbour also came round due to dds screaming because I put her on time out. The bathroom window was open and she was screaming 'i want my mummy!' Over and over. The bathroom window next to her room was open. He's a policeman blush. Fortunately his wife is a primary school teacher and understood.

margaritasbythesea Mon 11-Jan-16 20:13:20

Thank you for your responses. It is nice to know it is not just me being a crap parent to her. DS seems like a doddle in comparison and, like fitforflighting said he has an off switch and knows when he has overstepped and backs down, or at least goes off by himself and sorts himself out. I couldn't believe it the first time he came and said sorry for being naughty. I had never had anything like that off DD. It often seems like any attempt to 'stop' DD just gets her more determined to do... I don't even know quite what it is she is aiming for but any intervention just makes it worse - like an itch she has to scratch.

Anyway, we got through today with only one set of tears, which was blood miraculous as she was tired from the party. I think your encouragement helped me keep a level head so thanks flowers

lighteningirl Mon 11-Jan-16 20:49:22

Oh another thing my dd did on a time out was to throw notes into the street saying pease call chid lin my mummy huts me was bloody tempted to

margaritasbythesea Mon 11-Jan-16 22:20:33

grin I was thinking after I posted that of another time I had taken myself to another room to calm down, as you're supposed to do. I told herI was not going to move for five minutes - manner of speaking- A friend popped by and knocked the window instead of ronging in case baby ds was napping. Dd appeared at said window screaming, ' Mummy's not moving! Mummy's not moving!' I have never moved so fast!

margaritasbythesea Mon 11-Jan-16 22:21:24

Ringing not ronging

lighteningirl Tue 12-Jan-16 07:47:21

[Grins]

lighteningirl Tue 12-Jan-16 07:47:45

[Grin]

lighteningirl Tue 12-Jan-16 07:48:03

Ffs

lighteningirl Tue 12-Jan-16 07:48:29

grin

CakeForBreakfast Tue 12-Jan-16 09:56:39

My 8year old dd is the same. When she is calm she recognises her behaviour, but her moods and strops are almost constant, right from the moment she wakes up. Then she is vicious to her younger brother too.

I know me blowing my top and lecturing/shouting at her just gives oxygen to the drama of her moods, I need a better way to handle her, and I need it before she hits her hormonal years!!

Paddypaws3 Tue 12-Jan-16 11:31:36

Another one here with an 8, almost 9yo fire cracker grin.

She was an easy baby but once she hit 18 months, and could talk, she's beem....difficult, shall we say! Horrific tantrums, pushing every boundary, not in the least bit bothered about concequences. We tried them all, believe me!

I'm an anxious sort so was always keen to be seen doing the 'right thing' by others. I always responded immediately to bad behaviour but over the years, and as she's matured, it's far more more productive to let her calm down and deal with the incident after.

For example, we were out for a meal with extended family over new year. She was in a strop about something or other and was being rude to me. I ignored the rudeness but carried on speaking to her and she told me to "button it" shock blush. I gave a her a 'look' but ignored. I was very aware of my mum and aunt's facesshock shock whilst I cringed but she soon got over it and the meal carried on perfectly.

But boy did I pull her up on it once we were in the car! She immediately hung her head and apologised. There would most certainly have been explosions if I'd attempted to deal with it at the time. My mum actually complimented me on how well she thought I dealt with it.

Sorry, that was a ramble but you're not alone!

margaritasbythesea Tue 12-Jan-16 13:28:45

It is nice to know! I was beginning to worry that she and I just had one of those sorts of personality clash you can't get out of. MIL and SIL do and in some ways their relationship now is like mine with DD. I talked about it with DH and he assures me it will not turn out the same as I am very different from their mother and handle the bad behaviour completely differently.

I like the sound of the way you handled that. We are having some luck with listening and describing situations as they are unfolding so she at least has some idea of how I see things ... for now...

minipie Tue 12-Jan-16 13:46:25

Oh this sounds JUST like DD... she is 3... I am relieved there are others like her out there but rather disappointed it is still happening at 8!

Apparently her father (DH) was just like this as a child, her grew out of it about 12/13 and was a model teenager. In case that gives you hope! (It's still a looong way away for me).

margaritasbythesea Wed 13-Jan-16 07:04:44

Oh God thankyou! I am dreading the teenage years!

It IS alot better now than at three, in fact the last few days have been relatively trouble free, with a lot of concerted effort from me (which would have made no difference at all at three).

There's me jinxed now.

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