Advice needed for DD to break into established friendship circles

[Sonnet]

DD, aged 10 and in year 5, has "lost" her best friend, they have been friends through thick and thin since nursery. She is devestated, I am heartbroken for her and feel powerless to help...

I so desperatly need some cool calm advice to help her. She has other friends, but as she explains it they are all in friendship groups and dont need/want anyone else to join.

How can I help her?

As background, DD was always a popular girl, her and BF were always together but within a larger circle of friends and another girl was particularly friendly with DD.(I'll call her E.) DD did have problems with E in Yr1 as E only wanted DD to play with her but with the teachers involvement and support DD managed to handle this. Last year ( year 4) E palled up with another girl and subjected DD to some emotional and verbal bullying. DD found this very hard particularly as she wasn;t in the same class as BF. Anyway the bullying eventually stopped but DD lost E as a freind and 2 other girls who now have a trendy "in group". This trendy "in-group" is a bitchfest - I observed some incredibly sophiticated bitchy behavior from them last week, so all in all both DD, DH & I are glad she is out of "That".All through this DD had the friendship and support of BF ( who also suffered at the hads of E and friends). Towards the end of last school year another girl joined the school ( I'll call her J) and DD and BF be-friended her and became quite close.At the beginning of last week J & BF started running off together at lunchtime, hiding from DD etc, not waiting for her or including her. DD asked what was wrong and received no response. DD and I had a heart to heart on Friday night and I ended up posting a thread called "untrendy Mum needs help with DD" (sorry cannot do links)where I received some Fantastic advice. But of couse I told only part of the story....
On Monday they were not waiting for her at the usual meeting spot and she didn't talk to them all day despite being in the same class. DD feels that BF dosn't really want to treat her like this because a couple of times BF stopped to talk to DD and J pulled her away, J whispers away to BF loking at DD and BF looks at the ground in an embarressed way. BF phoned DD on Sunday over homework and they chatted and laughed for ages although didn't mention the previous week. While I do not want DD to clutch at straws I do feel that there is something in what she says as BF is such an easy going little thing and just goes along with the flow. She has always been like that and I have known her for 7 years!
DH and I have advised DD to back off, if BF wants to come back she will.
BUT, the dilema, how do I help DD make new friends when they are all in friendship groups - she had loads of friends at one point, but what with E and 2 others going off in their own group and now BF, she is suddenly all alone.
I so need some words of wisdom, she is being so so brave.....Please help!!

[nearlythree]

Why do girls do this? I can remember the same kinds of things happening when I was at school.

Could you invite a friend around for tea or on an outing?

What about having a chat with bf's mum?

[Sonnet]

Thanks nearlythere...

Yes I too remember this from school - I always had ( and still have) a real fear of "bitchy" girls - I couldn't handle it then and I can't now.

We have discussed inviting other girls and we will, but as DD explains they have a good time but still remain in theri original friendship group once back at school. (we did try this as well last year when E and friends ganged up on DD)

I did think I might speak to BF's mum - but I am so emotional at the moment I will probably burst into tears - what am i like eh!!

[sunnysideup]

Sonnet I have a younger ds so I know I'm not the person to advise really but long ago I WAS a girl myself and I remember this. The things that struck me were

1. Don't panic, things change so fast with girls of this age
2. Her BF is 99% likely to come back anyway and you will have exhausted yourself with worry for nothing!

I'm sure you'll get some spot on advice soon from mums with girls this age but I think bear those two things in mind in the meantime........

[Sonnet]

Thanks sunnysideup...yes, I think she may come back, if she can find the strength to say to J "hang on DD is my friend too".....

Trying to boost DD in the evening when she has sepnt all day on her own or striking up conversations with others is so sad and draining...

[laudaud]

Oh dear this brings back sad memories of childhood for me.

It is a very difficult age. Does DD play any sports - that was my way of dealing with it.

Failing that she needs to find herself a cool boyfriend that will make her the envy of all the others

Sorry not very helpful.

It is a long time since I was 10 and I can still remember the loneliness. It is horrible but doesn't last long as girls tend to be fickle!What I did to make it worse was withdraw. After a while I realised that friends didn't mean to exclude me. They didn't realise I needed positive signs from them to encourage me to join in.

[nearlythree]

What about inviting a pair of friends around?

[Sonnet]

laudaud - thanks - it is an interesting point about withdrawing as I think DD will do that. She will put on a smile to the world and an appearance that she is happy in her own company.
Do you think I shoud suggest she take a small something to school with her - like a cool mag zine, so she has a)soemthing to encourage others to talk to her, b) something to occupy her when she is alone at break OR will it just make it all worse????

She does sport and is better than average, but no sports superwoman. She is quite good at lessons ( not always a good thing) and plays the flute

[Sonnet]

Nearlythree - pair of friends is a great idea - I'll have a chat with her tonight

[Sonnet]

Bump please

[Sonnet]

Bump for the evening crowd

[binkacat]

How about joinging Brownies or something out of school where she can make other friends? I know it doesn't help the school situation but it might make her feel better.

I was in a very similar situation at primary school - joined a small school when I was 8, and there were only 3 of us girls in my year. The other 2 had been best friends from age 5 and ganged up on me. Things were a lot better at secondary school. But not much consolation when thats 18months away for your DD. Keep talking to her so she knows its not her fault. I did see a book on Amazon called "making and keeping friends" or something similar - aimed at kids. Not sure how good it is.

[mountaingirl]

This sounds so similar to our problem with DD aged 8, to the extent that she isn't sleeping. I posted a thread as well. Little girls are horrid, though I remember just ambling off to find another group to play with. At least at home I had a BF who went to another school, but the minute we all went out together as teenagers she was just like your daughters friends. Mind you I've known her now for 45 years and she is like another sister. Girls in groups of 3 are a fatal combination, someone always get picked on, bitched about. Your poor little girl, I feel so sorry for her just like I do my Dd. I went to see the form teacher this afternoon, she says she will have a little chat with dd and xBF, still hesitating to chat to xBF parents. Maybe your can do the same? Doesn't it just break your heart?