Im at a loss with how to deal with DS(6)(19 Posts)
I have posted before about DS' issues but things have gotten worse. Last week he was violent every single day in school and on friday morning he got up before Ds1 and I were awake and let himself out of the house, went to the shop and attempted to walk into town before a woman found him and called the police. I had already woken in this time and called the police myself and social services are coming to discuss further support as i have asked for help to deal with him. they said that i acted protectively and have no concerns about my actions regarding his escape on friday.
But i need to know how to deal with him going forward. He is so angry. He has been seeing a family support worker for his anger since july for one hour a week. She see him during school. Things had really improved but just recently, within the last couple of weeks he has dramatically changed and is lashing out all the time. I am in tears every afternoon after his teacher tells me what he has done. I worry he will be excluded and i wouldnt blame them. He is hurting other children. He is turning chairs upside down and standing on tables. Today he took his school bag to the bathroom and filled it with water then left it in the sink and denied it when the bag was discovered. One day last week he took another child's bag and smeared her yoghurt all round the inside of her bag and then hid it. He also denied doing this. He lies a lot, he denies telling the lady who found him last week that he was going to soft play to meet me and telling the staff in the shop that i was waiting outside in the car.
I am working really hard with him on the lying and the anger. We agreed that when he is angry he should go to a designated quiet place and that he should "smell the cake and blow out the candles" this is the same approach the teachers use in school so there is no confusion. It was working in school but recently the teacher says he just refuses to go. Last week she says she ignored all his disruptive behaviour, left him in the cloakroom (when the yoghurt in bag incident is supposed to have happened) to come out when he was ready, but it didnt seem to have any effect. She told me today she really shouted at him and he shouted back at her whilst in tears which i have experienced too. She is just as much at a loss as I am.
I had hoped to hear from SS today to arrange a visit but they havent called. I dont even know what support we need, i just know he's really not happy and no-one knows how to deal with it.
A friend suggested a mood chart with faces of happy to sad on it. I dont even know if this will work because when he explodes he just goes from 0-60. Where would i interject with a mood chart? when he is calm he is the loveliest person, his teacher says the same, he is delightful and so keen to please, offers to help me at home or help out in the classroom. He is a real jolly character but he is like a ticking time bomb and there doesnt seem to be obvious triggers.
An example fromthis evening.
He was playing with his brothers PSvita and something was wrong with the headphones. He started whining then instantly growled (he does this a lot) and started stretching them. His brother tried to grab them off him (to prevent them being broken) and DS threw them on the floor an started crying. I brought him over to the sofa and asked him to calm down and do his breathing. He wasnt interested, he just wanted to cry so i said to sit on my knee and when he was ready to talk i would listen. Whilst on my knee he started pushing what was on the arm of the sofa off onto the floor, this was deliberate and to get a reaction. I ignored it and then he said he was ready to talk so i asked him what he was upset about, he started crying again in frustration and then jumped off my knee, deliberately stomped on my foot and kicked the headphones that were on the floor then went upstairs to his room. I could hear him singing. He came down a few minutes later and said he was ready to talk so i started to ask him why e was upset and he explained that DS1 had grabbed the headphones from him, i said that DS1 did that to stop them getting broken and he started whining again. I said when you are finished crying we can talk. He started smirking and then a full on laugh. Eventually i got him calmed and said that he must do his breathing and go to quiet place Instead of growling and damaging things, i got him to apologise and to tidy what he had thrown on the floor.
This is a very mild example but a pretty common occurrence. He has taken to punching and kicking me, swearing at me and giving me the finger. He also swore at my mum when she was looking after her and she told him off for something.
So as to give full facts, he is under the SALT and has been since age 2 however hasnt had any sessions since may due to the classroom support being unavailable after P2 in our area, he had to attend for assessment in october and they said he needs more sessions so i am waiting on the letter coming through.
He also cannot read beyond 2/3 letter words and is reluctant to do so but we are reading every day (mostly me doing the reading and asking him to help at words i think he can guess) he has been moved back to the P2 table in school.
He is still not 100% dependable at using the toilet. (He is ok with pees but not poos) It has been a LOT better this past month with hardly any accidents but there are still some.
He is on an IEP in school and the principle is saying he is at the level of about a 4 year old. I can see why she says this, he is very immature in some ways and obviously behind in some stages of development.
Thank you if you have read this far, i tried to find SN children section but couldnt so have posted here.
I am really just looking for advice on what i need to do, what support should i be asking for from SS? I have asked the principle for a meeting too, to discuss managing him in class so i need to know what i am going in with as suggestions. Currently i am drawing a blank.
It seems as there is something else going on that only anger; he is not able to control his emotions; it is also affecting his development ad he can't read and is not fully potty trained. Have you seen the paediatrician? Could you try any alternative medicine? Cranial ostheopathy perhaps? Sorry I can't be much help but it seems as there is an underlying reason for this
Yes i definitely feel there is something else going on too. I havent seen the paediatrician. Have been to GP about toilet issues and he prescribed him movicol as he suspected he is constipated however After a few attempts at taking it he wont now. I havent tried any alternative therapies. I wouldnt know where to start to be honest but i think i will go back to GP and ask for referal to a paediatrician.
What's happening st home?
Also when he is angry why is he being effectively dismissed to deal with his feelings alone? I would question this approach. With my ds we talk about his feelings in the moment -acknowledge them and remind him he has a choice about how to handle them
Definitely get a referral to a paed.
Have you any support for yourself?
What is happening at home in terms of his behaviour?
Also when he is angry why is he being effectively dismissed to deal with his feelings alone?
do you mean at home or in school? At home i do ask him why he is upset, i dont send him away. This evening i brought him over to me and he sat on my knee whilst he got the crying done. He cant talk when he is crying, it just comes out in a mumbley mess and he gets more frustrated so i always just let him cry and then we talk but tonight he cried and then jumped off my knee and took himself upstairs. If you mean in school i am guessing it is because the teacher doesnt have the time to spend calming him and talking through his feelings. There is a teaching assistant but she works between different classrooms.
Have you any support for yourself?
in what way? I have a friend who knows what is hapening and what DS is like.
I just meant do you get a break / time to yourself. If there is something more deep seated it can be all consuming battle so it's good to have a release.
They go to their dad's one night every other weekend so i guess thats my break. I work part time as well so i have days where i have a couple of hours when they are in school.
Agree you need a referral to a paediatrician ASAP. I don't really like saying this as obviously I don't know your son but have you considered ADHD. A lot of the behaviours you describe sound like my ds who has a diagnosis of ADHD. Prior to being medicated he was absolutely fantastic when calm but keeping him calm was the challenge. He couldn't regulate himself and would lash out verbally and physically.
Hope you get some answers and support for you.
Yes a colleague whose grandson has autism and ADHD has suggeted he sounds similar to her grandson. A couple of other people have mentioned autism too but niether have any experience of autism so i havent really thought too much along those lines, it is in my mind though that those are possibilities.
When asking for referral to a paed is there a specific type of paed i need to ask for or do they all see all kinds of issues? Would it need different referals for the toilet issue and the behaviour or is it all the same issue?
It was this bit that made me think he was being dismissed We agreed that when he is angry he should go to a designated quiet place
you say he goes to his dad every other weekend - this doesn't seem that frequent. Could this be a contributing factor, unsettling him?
Ahh right. No, he isnt sent to his quiet place, it is just a specific place, at school a chair and table near the teachers desk with screen he can pull round himself and at home its his room. He takes himself, sometimes i will ask if he wants to go there but he doesn't get sent.
Yes the contact with his dad was initially agreed at 1 night midweek and two nights EOW which was my suggestion but his dad has gradually reduced it stating that he has to work so cant accomodate more contact.
His dad got married just over a month ago which resulted in no contact for 6 weeks because of the honeymoon. I think this could be playing a part in DS's behaviour.
In which case I would reconsider the contact with his dad because it isn't fair on your ds. It might be making him feel angry and he cannot say why. He is only 6 (I have a 6 year old ds who gets angry and we have been working hard on this)
Reconsider= asking to increase it again? I am in two minds about this. His dad does not deal well with him especially regarding his toilet issues. He and his wife send him to bed, send him to the naughty step and dont allow him out to play when he has accidents. I have been to speak to Exp several times explaining that DS is not being naughty, he cant help it. Ive threatened to stop contact if he doesnt deal with him properly, one time i did stop it and he did change how he was dealing with him, but he slips back into old habits. He really isnt interested in dealing with it. I'm going to have to address this with him for once and for all. Both DSes do love going to see him still so i really would hate to stop that. But i need exp on board. It wont happen.
No I mean reconsider whether he should have contact full stop? Especially after the at you describe how he treats him!
DF needs to accept that DS isn't going anywhere anytime soon and that problems not supported and helped at this age could result in much more difficult times in the future. That it is in DF's interest to support DS as much as possible, likewise the new wife. Strict disciplining could make it worse so they lose in the long run.
Can a professional tackle DF? The time DS has with his DF seems too brief to form relationship/ memories/ continuity. Perhaps is part of the problem.
Maybe a visit to GP with Dex might be a start.
Yes i need to sit down and talk with EXp. i have little faith it will work based on all my previous experience of him but i have to try. I spoke with DS's family support worker today, she thinks DS is having real trouble with his relationship with his dad and the marriage and also that his anger comes from frustration at not being able to verbalise his feelings. She is happy to facilitate a meeting between EXp and I and to discuss with him her thoughts on DS and she has also agreed to increase DS's sessions with her in school to twice weekly and also to come and observe us at home a couple of times. She is also going to contact the gateway team which is childrens social services here to discuss her concerns and find out when i can expect to have someone meet with me.
Sorry to hear this surly - sounds awfully stressful
OP, don't underestimate the impact of constipation and stool withholding on behaviour. My ds was on movicol for a few years until he was mature enough to stop holding in his poos. When he refused it, I mixed it with the milk I poured on his breakfast cereal, snuck it into orange squash and milkshake.
I can't help with the rest of the behaviour but I have experience of the misery caused by constipation in a child and the impact that can have on patience, concentration and impulse control.
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